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Heroes and Legends: Chapter 1 - It All Starts Somewhere

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 11:28 am    Post subject: Heroes and Legends: Chapter 1 - It All Starts Somewhere Reply with quote

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Heroes and Legends: Chapter 1 - It All Starts Somewhere
Posted by Odin of SoS. (kavika86@yahoo.com)
28 May 2005, 1:23 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=odin_of_sos..0528050123281.html
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i reread this after i posted
i found some mistakes,
and an entire paragraph was missing. Shocked
you can probably find where
enjoy though
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 3:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah yes, good ol' Odin. Been a while since you wrote anything... I think.

But no, I couldn't tell where the paragraph was missing. Your writing style was cool. Simple but detailed at the same time. I'm eager to see where this goes. I'll stick with the series...
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man i want more. I really got into it

ODST
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice story Odin, confused with my fic.

Alternate Realities - God of War, ?

Then read the series from the beginning it will help resolve the confusion.

As for you Hell, I haven't seen a story posted by you in Ages.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

its hard to find time to write. i wanta finnish my force recon series, then if i do write it'll be single post stories.

ODST

soon
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

im havin a real hard time finding...time.
not even gonna see a computer in june. gonna be stuck in the middle of a desert in arizona. then im headin for iraq in aug. prolly not much posting gonna get done out there. time...time...time. the worst thing that you can waste.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hear you Odin. That's what was good about being younger: Time to waste. Too bad there's no more of that. Some days I find myself pressed to find time for the bathroom. Confused Life.

Anyway. Tis good to see you writing again. I'll discount the smaller mistakes given your situation. Besides, it's the core material that counts. Very Happy

While it did make things feel a bit more hard edged, the telling of certain areas seemed to decrease the flow a bit. Straight-forward telling of situations gives the text a distinct feel, but when that is repeated into the following sentenses, it starts--in my view--getting in the way. It was not a major hindrance, but one that I noticed.
Quote:
Six Warthogs pulled out of the perimeter and drove towards the outskirts of town in a tactical column. Corporal Tran was in the lead Warthog, sitting in the passenger seat. The wind whipped at his clothes as they sped down the road. His hazel eyes were protected from the wind by his Oakley ballistic goggles. His dirty blonde hair was covered by an M832 Kevlar Combat Helmet. An ear and mouth piece extended from the helmet connecting him and his squad through COM.

That is one place I noticed it. Each sentense seems separate from the next. They don't flow together very well. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. With some simple rewording, it could be perfect.

Spell out those ranks. No matter how many times you may repeat a rank and name, always spell it out. "Cpl." in the text doesn't look or flow very well. So watch out for that.

A bit short. I found myself wanting more towards the end there.


Overall, this was good. I enjoyed it. I hope you--and you, Helljumper--will find the time to write some more. Good luck out there.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it pretty well.

MC was a right about the flow part; a few more commas and a feew less periods would have smoothed everything together.

Good luck on your deployment. God speed.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2005 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I heard some mention this as a style, but I still must point out that your sentences are pretty much fragmented; they need to be connected, not seperate. When you write sentence, sentence, sentence, etc., without meshing them together, it sounds like you're spitting them out (quite literally, actually). So consider using commas instead of periods between facts to smooth this out.

A First Sergeant had taken full command after the CO was killed? What about the Deputy Commander/XO? Maybe you meant the Command Element was KIA, not just the CO. The First Sergeant is up there, but he's not second to the CO.

Good descriptions in there; good job setting the scene up. Though when you described Tran's thoughts wandering off about having a family, etc., elaborate more. Take the reader deeper into his thoughts and his mentality, maybe a little of his past meshed in. Don't be afraid to take this farther. Also, when you introduce another character (either for the first time ever or first time in that chapter) don't abbreviate the rank and give us a first and last name.

Because "Odin one one" is a callsign, you should write it like "Odin-One-One" or "Odin 1-1" with the dashes. Clears up any potential confusion and looks a little cleaner.

Overall, pretty good. It seemed better than your last, but still had those choppy sentences. Try and design around how someone would talk if they were telling the story, that might help get the flow better. Otherwise, details and descriptions were good, and you left us with a good closing ending that leaves nice battle ahead.

-Russ
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the comments guys. the next one will be fixed.
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