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Strings Of Urban Warfare
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2005 3:24 pm    Post subject: Strings Of Urban Warfare Reply with quote

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Strings Of Urban Warfare
Posted by dom1 (moberly6@pacbell.net)
26 May 2005, 5:07 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dom1.0526050507511.html
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2005 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the Elite text was off. they spoke more like humans here. that had to be one bad ass human in the end. i dont know about that. keep writing though.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2005 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I admit my elite speak wasn't properly allocated, but it was better than some things I had seen before. I'm going to do a very contreversial thing by adding in some fantasy/possibly horror genre to the next part. It may not be the best thing I've done so far, but right now I'm just trying it out.

[color=red]Hah! I graduated on thursday! Mua hahaha! Twisted Evil Now I'm a high schooler*.


*Phrase used by my sister and I. Don't mock it![/color]
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2005 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sister and me. I is only used in the subject.

And congradulations; welcome to High School.
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LordsFire
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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2005 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. A lot.

It shows a great deal of skill, the only notable drop in writing quality was the somewhat non-eliteness of some of the Elites, but that was negligable.

You really showed the discipline that was lacking in your first piece, but don't let yourself lose the passion that obviously drove you then, that's what made it so worth reading.

And I LIKE the dead-cool marine.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone liked the Marine, nice.

It confuses me, the marine is inside a building.

The entire Hunter-Killer Team is inside a building. The marine points up. there's a ceiling. How do you see the Covenant Carrier burning through the atmosphere?

Maybe i read it wrong and i'm just asking it wrong, but I'm still confused.

I liked the ending, Burning Carrier!

~Shadow
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm just now taking the last of my exams for my freshman year of high school. I like the story, and I think that some of the elite stuff was good. The part where he smacked the other elite seems like something an elite might do. Would the marine happen to be Sargent Johnson? He was smoking a ciggar in the cut-scene that precedes Delta Halo in Halo 2.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn those exams, I get 'em in two weeks.

Hmm... the story, the story. It wasn't bad, but everytime the Elite's talked I was thrown off. It was like you used a thesaurus on certain words in the dialogue to make them sound smarter, more... superior. To support this 'theory':

You wrote:
"My esteemed colleagues, I am overjoyed to have you along on our expedition. I would be most saddened to lose such a noble fighter as yourselves, so therefore, I wish the most determined of luck, wisdom, and skill upon you."


Sorry to rag on you, but think about it, when would an Elite refer to his brethren as "esteemed colleagues"? I mean, I'm probably wrong with the thesaurus thingy, but that certain bit of dialogue was off, as you admitted. Please, if you're going to do stories from Covenant perspective, do them with utmost care.

The description was decent, but in certain spots I was looking for more. You should've lengthened the description on how he was feeling about going into battle. I mean, was he afraid? Was he nervous that he was going to somehow screw up the operation? Or maybe he was determined to kill every last human he encountered?

Still, this is a definate improvement from your first story, but you just need to work on it a bit.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also:

Quote:
I would be most saddened to lose such a noble fighter as yourselves


Change that to either yourself or fighters. Otherwise it is confusing and wrong.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't make the elites sound archaic though. They're smart, they just shouldn't talk like some rich person from Britian.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As Jester said, they are respectful not archaic. It's the same principle as walking into a courtroom. You don't say "Hey dude." You say "your honor". Out of respect.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you sure that Marine wasn't Stevan Seagul? Cause I just saw a commercial for one of his movies and it reminds me of that marine.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never mention Steven Segal! He is the unspeakable horror of TV which no man dare talk about for over five hundred sitcom pilots.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well he's not the best actor, but just like you don't watch Star Wars for the great acting, you don't watch Seagul for good acting either.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2005 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That movie with Wesley Snipes and Kurt Russel had the right idea; they killed him off in 20 minutes and it was the better for it.
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