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Seven Days: Part Four of Seven
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:04 pm    Post subject: Seven Days: Part Four of Seven Reply with quote

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Seven Days: Part Four of Seven
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
20 May 2005, 1:48 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0520051348365.html
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was freaking awesome! Your best work, in my opinion, and some of the best stuff I've read on here. Man, how in the heck are you pulling off a tropical-Halo-noir-fic narrated by a dead man? This was very impressive. Moody, atmospheric, eerie, rich--just freaking impressive. Can't wait for the next one.

C.T. Clown
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, man. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Sorry about the overuse of the smileys, but when I read your comment... on, man, I wish that you could see the big, giant smile on my face.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, and by the way:

Quote:
The sun had begun to set by then, and the storm clouds approaching from the seas did indeed seem to have come closer. It looked like a giant seven-fingered hand, and was rimmed with blue thunder and green lightning. It was dark, and even the orange-violet light of the setting sun did not stain its black depths.


Ba-ba-ba-duum... Twisted Evil
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some repetition in there, most notably you using Jojola too many times in a relatively close proximity of each other. Careful with the names, and try and find other ways or restructure your sentence/paragraphs to avoid the need to say the name again.

My pet-peeve, and you wrote:
...cause undesirable chemistry-- perhaps in the next ten million years...


M-Dash, my friend! M-Dash! Not two N-Dashes! I think you know where to get them, too. Wink

Overall, pretty good. Nice descriptions, though I felt you bogging some in a few places. Its sort of odd, however, since the seemingly slow parts makes the surprises all the more jolting, so no complaints from me. You introduce some odd elements and details, but I'll keep along, since I know you've got things up your sleeve. Keep up the great work, Sev.

-Russ
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yup, I'll have to go with Chuckles on this one.

Great, great, great job. The dialogue and unique description is what did it for me. I loved the way you depicted the atmosphere of the bar and the way you depicted the atmosphere of the tiny waterside town, it was just so... lifelike.

Some of your best work, to be sure. Keep it up, my fine-feathered friend.

Wait... scratch that.

Say, when's the next chapter of Invasion of the NOOBs coming? Very Happy I was looking forward to my name again.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see you got back on this story. I'll read this later tonight-tomarrow.

I can't wait to read it either.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Russ. Got to watch out for that Jojola. Embarassed '

Invasion of the NOOBS was cancelled after it was erased two times in a row and I was left with a shitty rought draft that was roughly one-third the size of the final copy, CoLd. I just didn't have the heart to write it up again for the third time.

And I hope you're reading it soon, dark. Or else... Twisted Evil
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Thanks, Russ. Got to watch out for that Jojola. Embarassed '

Invasion of the NOOBS was cancelled after it was erased two times in a row and I was left with a shitty rought draft that was roughly one-third the size of the final copy, CoLd. I just didn't have the heart to write it up again for the third time.

And I hope you're reading it soon, dark. Or else... Twisted Evil


We could work all together and make it a typical HBOFF story, As it was meant to be, right? I did read at least one of them, I liked them there.

- JC
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your dialouge is impecible.

Your descriptions are perfect.

You set the mood with the care of a surgeon.

Wonderful.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

C-C-Cancelled? What?

Noooo!!
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Knocked my socks off as usual. This is a totaly bizarre concept and I have to give you a pat on the back for being brave enough to use it.

Good one.

Caleb
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, JC (I hope you read it, by the way.)

Thanks, Dark. Congratulations on your recent acceptance to a college that I can't seem the recall the name of, by the way Smile

Thanks, Caleb. Hope you enjoyed it.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 3:11 pm    Post subject: Thou Shalt Not Dump Shit Into the Ocean. Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Thanks, JC (I hope you read it, by the way.)

Thanks, Dark. Congratulations on your recent acceptance to a college that I can't seem the recall the name of, by the way Smile

Thanks, Caleb. Hope you enjoyed it.


Yes, I did.

"Thou Shalt Not Dump Shit Into the Ocean." Hehehe.

Nice last line, also.

It's real good, First Person view, They always said third person was best, but I think it's easier and better to do the FP POV...

Real good story, I'll keep in mind to follow this series.

Keep up the good job,

- JC
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Extremely well written
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