HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A Heroic Tale: Prologue
Posted by Odin of SoS.
15 May 2005, 2:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=odin_of_sos..0515050242481.html

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:05 pm Post subject:

Wow. So how long were you gone for? A year? Two? I remember very distantly, within the recesses of my mind, a post of yours somewhere back in April... but then, I have a faulty memory.

The story was nice. At times, the prose had what I like to think of as a very "Hemingway" style going on. Look:

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

A fine start to a series. The short, choppy sentences make me think of Hemingway, too. The dialouge sounds real and your attention to military detail is very good...gosh, I wonder why... Wink

You've got some grammar issues in there, a couple of capitalization errors around the "Smed" lines, but there's nothing horribly wrong with. If anything, it went by too fast. Glad to see you "back," though I'm quite sure you're from before my time.

Looking forward to seeing where you take this. Cheers.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:03 pm Post subject:

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:17 pm Post subject:

Your rewrite was quite nice, Denton, but I have to admit, it did not preserve Odin's style... I think his version was fine as it stands. Remember that he wasn't going for the long, flowing feel.

russ687 · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:29 pm Post subject:

First off, don't use Author Notes. Put anything you'd like to say here in the comments section. I'm not sure why people like to use AN's, but trust me, it's not going to look good in a week to your future readers. Perhaps people don't consider that possiblity anymore...

Choppy sentences, which made the flow bad. Detail and content was good, but you need to mesh them better. A few GPS mistakes here and there, so if you can use MS Word, or just put more time into proof-reading.

Overall, it was good. Needs a lot of improvement in the sentence structure area, and you could have expanded this and introduced a plot better, but nonetheless is was decent. If you haven't been writing for some time, ask someone to give you a hand a proof-read it for you, since simply posting work that's not up to par is not the best method of improvement.

Keep working.

-Russ

Mainevent · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 8:58 pm Post subject:

I dunno. Sometimes I think short and choppy is more of a way to express emotion and thought than it is to be grammatically correct.

If it breaks the flow then so be it; because that's probably what it was meant to do. Quick, jerky responses and what not. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and throw grammar to the wind, in fact most people here need much more of it. I am saying that sometimes it helps.

Overall, I liked it pretty well.

I miss your old Neverland series...or was that Sev...I can never remember.

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:03 pm Post subject:

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 12:21 am Post subject:

Neverland was Odin, you crazy bastards.

Very nice, bud, I was very surprised to see this in the update. Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, but... I was held back.

I liked it. The style this was done in was different, but acceptable. The dialogue was, for the most part, well written and realistic.

The only real problem I had with it was the careless spelling errors, but, because this was completed in Notepad, I'll let them go. Still, a little proofreading could've done ya good.

Nice job, and good to have you back. How's the Corps, anyways?

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Ah. Author's Notes. Yes, I am also one to advocate against them. Just include what you have to say--especially if it concerns more personal comments to us readers here--on your comments page. Just more relavent and less distracting from the story.

Saw several small mistakes in there, just errors that a good few proofreadings would catch. Of course, I do believe you have a bit of a time restraint, so I can understand if you can't read over your stories all that many times.

You did seem to tell a bit too much, and there was a good deal of repedetiveness. The short sentenses could be maintained--in fact I think they are rather nice, a very distinct style that while being clipped, does not jerk around or badly mangle the flow. Do, however, work on showing instead of telling, and bringing in more of a variety with your diction.

Always spell out those minor numbers. 17 into seventeen like. Not a big deal, but it does look nicer.

Yeah, spell out "Lt." too. Unless you are going for the abreviation, in which case it should be sounded out: El-tee. Then you can include it and not have to spell it out each time.

It did seem to go buy too quickly. I would suggest slowing it down with some more detail; more about the mood and environment and characters. That kind of stuff. Otherwise, just write a little bit more each time. Additionally, the more you proof it--as you know--the more solid, and often the longer, the piece will get.

Overall, this was pretty good. Nice to see you writing again. I hope you can make it as steady a habit as possible. Keep it up.
_________________
-MCC

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

thanks for the comments. i actually typed this up from a piece of paper at like 2300 on sunday. ive been in the field all week working on convoy ops. my old company was disbanded and i got stuck in a CAAT team. ill be sure to spell out Lieutenant and cease with the authors notes. i just wasnt going to be here when the story was posted. ill try and reread my stories as much as possible before posting. i hate GPS errors. but i guess im making em Confused

im actually gonna try and squeeze out another story. im going to AZ to train for all of June. then we head for Iraq the beginning of Aug. yup Main, it was my Neverland series. i actually mentioned Knights in this prologue, if nobody noticed. Crying or Very sad

thanks for posting guys. its good to see a lot of you old dogs again. severian, it has been close to a year. oorah body slayers.

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

wow. i mean WOW. im disappointed in myself. i just glanced at the story and saw that it said romoved and some other stupid shit. and instead of the Lieutenant being in nine years, he was meant to be in nine months. Surprised

im sorry gents. if i keep making retard mistakes please just bear with it, im only a dumb grunt. OORAH!! 0311s!!! KILL!!! Laughing

Mainevent · Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 10:41 pm Post subject:

Convoy ops will only get you so far around here. I tried that excuse myself when I first came here...

Naw, I'm just kidding.

Good to see you again, and I still love the Knights.

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

hey main,
do you remember walker?
what the hell happened to him?

Mainevent · Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 2:33 pm Post subject:

Of course I remember Walker!

But alas, he got tired of the n00bdome and disappeared. I saw him a while back; a long while back, but it was he.

He left again after a week and hasn't returned since.