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A Heroic Tale: Prologue
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:55 am    Post subject: A Heroic Tale: Prologue Reply with quote

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A Heroic Tale: Prologue
Posted by Odin of SoS.
15 May 2005, 2:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=odin_of_sos..0515050242481.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. So how long were you gone for? A year? Two? I remember very distantly, within the recesses of my mind, a post of yours somewhere back in April... but then, I have a faulty memory.

The story was nice. At times, the prose had what I like to think of as a very "Hemingway" style going on. Look:

Quote:
The elevator was small and stuffy. Daley could feel his innards rise and fall as he passed through the decks without gravity. His stomach growled a bit as he passed by the chow hall. Smelled like salisbury steak for evening chow. Or maybe it was just gas. The elevator stopped and a rather large fellow stepped onto the elevator. He was Navy. His uniform was unkempt and his hair was far longer than regulation. He smelled like fish and tartar sauce.


I liked it, by the way. It might be my lingering affection for a Hemingway parody I had to write for English, but I liked the slightly choppy sentences.

As a note: try to spell out Lieteunant. I understand that for some just using the Lt. may be a style, but the full word is just easier on the eyes.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A fine start to a series. The short, choppy sentences make me think of Hemingway, too. The dialouge sounds real and your attention to military detail is very good...gosh, I wonder why... Wink

You've got some grammar issues in there, a couple of capitalization errors around the "Smed" lines, but there's nothing horribly wrong with. If anything, it went by too fast. Glad to see you "back," though I'm quite sure you're from before my time.

Looking forward to seeing where you take this. Cheers.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:

As a note: try to spell out Lieteunant. I understand that for some just using the Lt. may be a style, but the full word is just easier on the eyes.


...And if a Dutch guy like me could, Why not you guys?

Onto the review.

Nice, But in the start, I found something, And I decided to help you a little.

You wrote:

First Sergeant daley romoved his cover as he stepped off of the transport and onto the Destroyer Independence. The First Sergeant was a man bristling with strength and experience. Daley had spent only seventeen years in the Marine Corps. and was just recently promoted from Gunnery Sergeant. hew was transferred from being Company Gunny in Charlie Co., 1st Battalion, 1st ODSTs to Co. 1st Sgt. of India Company, 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines.


Hard start, but not the point. I guess, the way you started. You said, but didn't show. Now let me try a maybe better example:

Quote:
A man walked out a docked [Transport] onto the Destroyer Independance. The sound of his boots echoed in the empty cold dark Docking Bay, Warning all for the arrival of this man. He was the First Sergeant, of the Charlie Co., 1st Battallion, 1st ODST's, A man who bristeled with strenght and experience from his service to the war, Commendated and recently transferred to 1st Sgt. of India Company, 3rd Battallion, 7th Marines.


This was quickly wrote, but it describes things better, and keep things more open. You can now get into the head of your character, and describe his feelings, like the response to the cold and hard bay, the sound his boots make, or, as done, Looking back at recent victories and battles, but try it inside the head of your Main Character(s).

These things happen all around this part, and I think you should have took it more easily before putting it here. Don't forget the Paragraphing, Formatting. For the rest, Not bad, Quite good, even. Keep up the good work, But get this finished.

Glad to have you back at HBOFF.

- JC
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your rewrite was quite nice, Denton, but I have to admit, it did not preserve Odin's style... I think his version was fine as it stands. Remember that he wasn't going for the long, flowing feel.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, don't use Author Notes. Put anything you'd like to say here in the comments section. I'm not sure why people like to use AN's, but trust me, it's not going to look good in a week to your future readers. Perhaps people don't consider that possiblity anymore...

Choppy sentences, which made the flow bad. Detail and content was good, but you need to mesh them better. A few GPS mistakes here and there, so if you can use MS Word, or just put more time into proof-reading.

Overall, it was good. Needs a lot of improvement in the sentence structure area, and you could have expanded this and introduced a plot better, but nonetheless is was decent. If you haven't been writing for some time, ask someone to give you a hand a proof-read it for you, since simply posting work that's not up to par is not the best method of improvement.

Keep working.

-Russ
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dunno. Sometimes I think short and choppy is more of a way to express emotion and thought than it is to be grammatically correct.

If it breaks the flow then so be it; because that's probably what it was meant to do. Quick, jerky responses and what not. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and throw grammar to the wind, in fact most people here need much more of it. I am saying that sometimes it helps.

Overall, I liked it pretty well.

I miss your old Neverland series...or was that Sev...I can never remember.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mainevent wrote:
I dunno. Sometimes I think short and choppy is more of a way to express emotion and thought than it is to be grammatically correct.

If it breaks the flow then so be it; because that's probably what it was meant to do. Quick, jerky responses and what not. I'm not saying that everyone should go out and throw grammar to the wind, in fact most people here need much more of it. I am saying that sometimes it helps.

Overall, I liked it pretty well.

I miss your old Neverland series...or was that Sev...I can never remember.


i'm also almost mixing the two up. But I guess that should be fixed soon. I hope... Wink

Anyways, I see that Odin's style is different and that's no bad thing, Just work out spelling and grammar mistakes (Ah, the good old times...) And as long as a style has it's grammar done well, and it brings the message you want to bring with it, Then it's great. There have been tons of FanFiction who didn't have the grammar need but still were jewels, And I know where I talk about, but it should be a little easier and better to read just to use paragraphs and a little more grammar fixing. Hope you take these responses into thought and use them to make it better.

Good Luck,

- JC
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2005 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Neverland was Odin, you crazy bastards.

Very nice, bud, I was very surprised to see this in the update. Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, but... I was held back.

I liked it. The style this was done in was different, but acceptable. The dialogue was, for the most part, well written and realistic.

The only real problem I had with it was the careless spelling errors, but, because this was completed in Notepad, I'll let them go. Still, a little proofreading could've done ya good.

Nice job, and good to have you back. How's the Corps, anyways?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah. Author's Notes. Yes, I am also one to advocate against them. Just include what you have to say--especially if it concerns more personal comments to us readers here--on your comments page. Just more relavent and less distracting from the story.

Saw several small mistakes in there, just errors that a good few proofreadings would catch. Of course, I do believe you have a bit of a time restraint, so I can understand if you can't read over your stories all that many times.

You did seem to tell a bit too much, and there was a good deal of repedetiveness. The short sentenses could be maintained--in fact I think they are rather nice, a very distinct style that while being clipped, does not jerk around or badly mangle the flow. Do, however, work on showing instead of telling, and bringing in more of a variety with your diction.

Always spell out those minor numbers. 17 into seventeen like. Not a big deal, but it does look nicer.

Yeah, spell out "Lt." too. Unless you are going for the abreviation, in which case it should be sounded out: El-tee. Then you can include it and not have to spell it out each time.

It did seem to go buy too quickly. I would suggest slowing it down with some more detail; more about the mood and environment and characters. That kind of stuff. Otherwise, just write a little bit more each time. Additionally, the more you proof it--as you know--the more solid, and often the longer, the piece will get.


Overall, this was pretty good. Nice to see you writing again. I hope you can make it as steady a habit as possible. Keep it up.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the comments. i actually typed this up from a piece of paper at like 2300 on sunday. ive been in the field all week working on convoy ops. my old company was disbanded and i got stuck in a CAAT team. ill be sure to spell out Lieutenant and cease with the authors notes. i just wasnt going to be here when the story was posted. ill try and reread my stories as much as possible before posting. i hate GPS errors. but i guess im making em Confused im actually gonna try and squeeze out another story. im going to AZ to train for all of June. then we head for Iraq the beginning of Aug. yup Main, it was my Neverland series. i actually mentioned Knights in this prologue, if nobody noticed. Crying or Very sad thanks for posting guys. its good to see a lot of you old dogs again. severian, it has been close to a year. oorah body slayers.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow. i mean WOW. im disappointed in myself. i just glanced at the story and saw that it said romoved and some other stupid shit. and instead of the Lieutenant being in nine years, he was meant to be in nine months. Surprised
im sorry gents. if i keep making retard mistakes please just bear with it, im only a dumb grunt. OORAH!! 0311s!!! KILL!!! Laughing
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Convoy ops will only get you so far around here. I tried that excuse myself when I first came here...

Naw, I'm just kidding.

Good to see you again, and I still love the Knights.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey main,
do you remember walker?
what the hell happened to him?
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Of course I remember Walker!

But alas, he got tired of the n00bdome and disappeared. I saw him a while back; a long while back, but it was he.

He left again after a week and hasn't returned since.
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