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Fire Team Tango-chapter I
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:54 am    Post subject: Fire Team Tango-chapter I Reply with quote

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Fire Team Tango-chapter I
Posted by Zen-Army (repubicanhippy@optonline.net)
13 May 2005, 9:17 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zen-army.0513052117351.html
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry about the lack of indentations. this is my first time posting and i didn't relized everything would get messed up like this. I'll make sure I add them in next time.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read through most of this, and from the work submitted that I've read so far, this one is the best so far, and will probably remain the best.

I'll post comments when I have more time, but let me be the first to say very nice job. It's quite good.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I apprecaite the feed back, but the indentation thing and the lack of italics for the thoughts are bugging me. I'll have to make sure i put em in in the next chapter.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In your header, you wrote:
1740 hours, august 10, 2552 (UNSC Military Calendar)


Be sure to capitalize the months of the year. Also, learn the CODE so that you can make your headers bold; in addition to that, knowing the CODE will help clean up your text by adding indents. It's a very useful tool, and absolutely necessary.

You wrote:
Jacob sat at the end of his cot, cleaning his battle rifle. He was an infantry man in fire team Tango who took pride in cleaning his weapons and making them spotless. He had recently been issued a brand new MA7B battle rifle and MP20 sub machinegun, and intended of keeping them in mint condition.


This could use a little cleaning up. First off, it's infantryman as one word, second, capitalize proper nouns and names such as "Fire Team Tango", third, I'm not sure if you meant to do this or if you just don't know, but the Battle Rifle is designated as the BR55, not MA7B (the former is a "Battle Rifle" the latter is an "Assault Rifle"), and finally, MP20 is an interesting choice; going back to WWII? They don't make the MP series anymore, but if you'd like to revive them in your piece, that's your call. I would adivse to just pick another designation other than that.

Also, it is crucial to avoid repetition as much as you can, in all forms. Here, you started two adjacent paragraphs with "Jacob", which is an obvious form of repetition. Every author accidently overlooks it at one point, but be sure to pay attention to things like that.

You wrote:
less than a year ago, a kid from the town of Orleans was run down and hacked apart by a pack of the creatures.


First off, proof-reading is invaluable to the success of your story, so look over your piece and catch any mistakes you find, such as not capitalizing the first word of a sentence. If you compose this in MS Word, you almost never have to worry about it. Second, if only one kid had been hacked by this creature in a year, it can't be all that great. Pay attention to small things like that, since it would have sounded much better if you said "last month" or something like that rather than a year.

Quote:
"Hurry up Jacob, this isn't a tea party." Said Reeves as he stepped out of the tent.


Heh, I'd like to point something out, but I really shouldn't. (TARC)

You wrote:
"Sabotage of UNSC equipment is treason, even if it is on a backwater planet." Replied Reeves. "If the perp is over eighteen, then he's looking at an execution sentence."


Law isn't crazy in 500 years, so sabotage is not a death-sentence. For the sake of your readers, careful of what you throw in there, since that was unbelievable.

As you went on to describe the town being vacant, you went by a little too fast. Take the time to build more tension and add descriptions in there. It's important not to bog the reader down, but you still have to present enough for them to actually "see" and feel what's going on.

You wrote:
Mendez didn't get a reply. All he heard was white noise. He hit his Comm against the counter in a futile attempt to get it to work.


That was so unoriginal, to be honest, so I hope something really good comes out of this. Also, I'm not so sure about "Jackal officers", perhaps higher ranking Jackals, but not officers.

You wrote:
"What now?" Asked Mendez. "Wireless communication has all been jammed."


Damn, that must be a long extension cord! Oh no wait, it's wireless. Here's an example of adding irrelevent details. We know it's wireless, so there's really no need to throw that out there. It's important to add details, but make sure they are practical and useful.


Overall, pretty good. You need to format better, as you had double-spacing, then single, then back to double, etc., and all without indents. Also, work on your GPS, as I noticed several spots throughout the piece that were not technically correct. Your descriptions were pretty good in most parts, bet sketchy in others, and you can clean up your combat descriptions. So far, though, good job; make the corrections to your next piece and you'll be set.

-Russ
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just for the record, the version of this chapter storred on my computer had indentations for new paragraphs, italics for thoughts, making it easier to distinguish. also, the heading was in bold, but i missed those capitol things, as well as a few in the story as you pointed out.

MP20 sounded cool, and i know its simmilar to the MP40 german smg thingy. I figured that the smg could be a spin off of a machine pistol designed for infantry rather than mafia and yakuza hence MP. irrelivant details so i didn't add em.

the battle rifle is basically a stripped down MA5B with a scope and smalled clib that acts more as a rfile than its counter part. knowing this i though it would have a simmilar designation thing. I looked for the official designation, but didn't find it.

as for the execution thing, I figured that the only thing standing between the survival of humanity and the Covenant is the UNSC and its marines and navy ect. sabotage of sensory equipment would leave the marines open to attack without warning. Whiskey outpost is basically the fortification of the ONI base, and i'm pretty sure that ONI dosen't play little games with civilains. this was also based on the Cole proticol. realistically the perp wouldn't get a slap on the wrists, but he would most likely not be executed since it is a backwater planet, but like I said, ONI is involved here and they operate above the law.


i designated the jackals with bronze uniforms as officers for two reasons. i figured that they would be low ranking field officers, and i didn't know what else to call em.

I probably should have described the vacancy of the town a little more. presonally i felt it wasn't nessessary since the tavern they stopped at was at the edge. I belive i mentioned that. If not, you have my appologies, unless you're psychic, and in that case get out of my head!

thanks for the feed back. I'll makesure i go over the story after i post it for all the indents and such and all the other stuff you told me to work on.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To start, I see that you recognized the lack of indents and italics. OK. I shall not harp on that. Preview tool is your friend, take your time. No one missed an update because they were previewing, I promise you that.

Russ is right on those weapons designations. For any other piece of halo-related work, consult this website, which tells you absolutely everything. If it's not there, then you are allowed to make it up...but trust me, it's there.

The Halo Library

Ok, to your work. First off, put that time/date stamp in bold. Makes it look more professional.

Describe Lee's voice to me, if it's so recognizeable. I know, I know, they've been cooped up on that planet for so long, how could they NOT know their voices, but still...We don't know it.

Quote:
"How the hell did you become our sniper?" Asked Jacob. "You're irrational and you space out all the time."


Everyone here will tell you I live and die for banter (and as such, you're going to read some of it indirectly when I get to your "tea party" line). This was a golden opportunity missed. "You're irrational," while true and not terribly bad, could have been something much more colorful and true to life. I see something different coming out of that line; that is, I don't see a Marine saying that. Now if he was listing reasons why Lee shouldn't be a sniper, then that works. Keep those things in mind. Good news: you do a good job on the dialouge. I enjoyed it, and I'm hard to please when it comes to that.

Quote:
"You asshole!" Shouted Lee. "I told you not to rip it off!"

"And I told you it doesn't work that way." Replied Mullins.

...Perfect. It's like that bit in "Good Will Hunting," when one guy yells at Ben Affleck, "I asked you yesterday if you could get me a job!" and Ben Affleck just quips back, "And I told you 'no', yesterday." Very good. I'm digressing...

Quote:
"Hurry up Jacob, this isn't a tea party." Said Reeves as he stepped out of the tent.

"Sometimes it feels like one sarge." Replied Jacob.

...TARC be damned, I can quit whenever I want. One day Russ is gonna get what's comin' to him, and I'm gonna be there when it does. (and put a comma before "Sarge.")

Who's the medic in that squad, by the way? It wouldn't make any sense to go out there without a medic.

On to Nine Mile. I would have liked a more foreboding atmosphere in the town (you hinted at this with the fog and the fact the town was oddly deserted...why no one called for help on the way out is beyond me, but perhaps they're all dead. Trivial matter.), and maybe some kind of dialouge right as they saw the outskirts. Granted, they're professional Marines, and the fact that they didn't speak is true to life...but perhaps you could have gotten inside Jacob's mind. What's he thinking? What's he feeling?

What do the Jackals sound like when they're giving orders? I don't think it would "scream in pain," so much as "screech," or give some birdlike exclamation. I will give you this: many authors have their small squad of Marines facing twelve Elites. Simple math: they'd get demolished. I like how you have them fighting the Jackals and having a tough time of it, as well. Very good. Your firefight is pretty good, it's hard to explain at all times where everyone is exactly.

Quote:
"Two minutes." Said Mendez as he hung up the phone. "Just two minutes."


I would have enjoyed a thought from Jacob after that. You've got to include some deeper moments into these characters to reel the reader in. Good action, yes, is nice...but in the end we're going to need to feel some kind of feeling for your protagonist if you expect us to get involved in your series. Keep that in mind.

Quote:
its neon blue shield illuminating the dark room

I got a good visual on that, and it was a cool one at that...but I know you can give us a little more visual detail. While I know Jacob would not be in open staring at the Jackal's facial features in the light of the shield, your narrator can't be touched, and as such should feel free to describe every menacing detail. Put the fear in us, man.

That's about all I can say. I assume this is part of a continuing series, and I'm sure your next one will be even better than this. Keep rocking out on this, and try to take our advice, for what it's worth. Great start.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

alright fine, russ is right. lets just say that the MA7B is a much more usefull spinn off of ye olde MA5B and the MP20's designation is uncompromising and rediculussly stubborn. the MP20 is not the pea shooter that the MC has to use in halo 2. its simmilar, but uses 72 round bannana clips which are loaded into the bottom, becuase it would look really weird otherwise.

I mentioned that mullins was an infantryman and medic.

origionally the title was in big letters and the heading was in bold, but i didn't realize that everything would be changed. makes sense once i think about it.

forgive my ignorance, but what is this TARC you and that which is russ speak about.

nine mile should have been more foreboding, seeing how it became a ghost town in under an hour.

Jackals are surprisingly birdlike and to be truthfull, not very jackaly.

this is infact part of a series in progress. I'll pay more attention to the things i'm told i missed and give more details and such. I belive i've figured out how to italic-a-fy and make things in bold text in the preview thing.

thanks again for your feedback. both you and russ have been a great help.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zen-Army wrote:
alright fine, russ is right. lets just say that the MA7B is a much more usefull spinn off of ye olde MA5B and the MP20's designation is uncompromising and rediculussly stubborn. the MP20 is not the pea shooter that the MC has to use in halo 2. its simmilar, but uses 72 round bannana clips which are loaded into the bottom, becuase it would look really weird otherwise.

You know, you don't have to make up a gun. You can just call it a Battle Rifle from here on out, we'll forgive that. It's not a big deal.

Quote:
I mentioned that mullins was an infantryman and medic.

My bad. I'll look more carefully next time *smacks self on side of head*

Quote:
forgive my ignorance, but what is this TARC you and that which is russ speak about.

Russ and I have been PM'ing about my love of tea, since I've been studying abroad in London. Russ thinks I need to visit a clinic. I say I can quit whenever I want. I know the difference between addiction and dependence. Earl Grey is addiction. Twinings afternoon tea is a dependence. Sorry, Russ fired the first shot, I had no choice but to fire back.

Quote:
Jackals are surprisingly birdlike and to be truthfull, not very jackaly.

Oh, no doubt. Sorry if my comment made that seem like they looked like the actual earth-jackal species. I know what covie jackals look like. So describe that.

Quote:
I'll pay more attention to the things i'm told i missed and give more details and such.

Always good to hear. Cheers. Now where's the goddamn tea?
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Rushes into room in white coat*

"Nurse, five hundred CC's of black tea, on the double!"
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damnit Az, now we've lost the inside joke.

But aside from it all, the weapons thing is not an entirely wrong approach either. Actually, for the most part, I've made up my own weapons for my series' because the ones in Halo truly, and this is the brutal truth, suck. They aren't a good representation of reality (the M29 kicks its ass already) and they seem too limited. So, sure, go ahead and make up your own guns, but avoid using obiously similar designations such as "MP20".

-Russ
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 4:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was thinking of making up some sort of automatic weapon. I am very surprsied theirs no SAW-like weapon in the game.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

is a SAW an automatic shotgun with a rediculuss ammount of recoil? if not then I haven't a clue.

anyway, i like to make up my own weapons such as the 72 round MP20 SMG and the S22-SWP sniper weapons platform. I'll get into what makes it a weapons platform in chapter 3. to be truthfull, out of the weapons i made up, i though people would be asking about that and exactly how it was a weapons platform. I guess the majical uber rifle (aka the BR in halo 2 multiplayer) took priority.
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

just one more question. should it be Fire Team Tango, or fire team Tango?
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2005 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The former, Fire Team Tango.

-Russ
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