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Explanation Mandatory {part three}

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 10:10 am    Post subject: Explanation Mandatory {part three} Reply with quote

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Explanation Mandatory {part three}
Posted by dom1 (moberly6@pacbell.net)
6 May 2005, 4:46 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dom1.0506050446153.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 12:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Quote:
Sorry about the long wait, there's no excuse for being late, I guess. Late nights aren't my forte.

Never worry about being "late". Most people make the mistake of being early. Take as much time as you need to get it right.

This chapter seemed a bit odd. Your dialogue was lacking a "real" feel. You need to describe your settings better too. You did a nice job of describing the ships and his appreciation for them, but beyond that I did not get a feeling for the environment. And who is this "Bocca"? Please, tell me that it isn't a Wookie. C'mon, Dom, you wouldn't do that to me, would you?

Take more time on your next one. Have somebody else proof it after you do, and work on your dialogue. More description, more realism, less Wookie (if it is a Wookie, and I am hoping it isn't).

C.T. Clown
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps that's what they nicknamed the Hunter.

I'd just like to ask... what's up with your formatting? Occasionally the paragraphs were together or they weren't. And about half of them were indented. Fix it up, dom, it looked sloppy. Really took away from the overall satisfaction I got from reading this story.

Listen to what Chuckles said, but I would like to urge you on polishing your dialogue. It, as the Clown mentioned, lacked the realism that we so dearly seek in stories, fan fiction or otherwise.

Work on it.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep CoLd, you're right--it is the Hunter. My mistake (and thank God it isn't a Wookie).

C.T. Clown
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dom1
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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the helpful criticism, whether it be good or bad. Either way it will help me write better. Smile

Confused I really want to get off this story, And I can't really explain why. It's almost like a sense of impending doom, or heart-burn Shocked I have had another idea for somewhat of (cough)forever(cough) a long time, and it has been eating me up.

Also, thanks for the time point.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't use Author Notes. So many people are doing it that I'm considering proposing an Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the use of AN's in the story text itself, though Azrael pointed out that that would violate the Bill of Rights. Damn First Amendment...

So I can't make you not use them, but I will give you crap everytime you do. Let's keep it simple and just put anything you wish to say here, on the forum. Fair?

You wrote:
"Erhm. Right. What happened?"


Avoid the phonetics in your dialogue like that. Describe to us his reactions, don't just add letters together.

You wrote:
"WHAT!"


Don't use full capitalization for yelling emphasis.

Overall, this was okay. It was only mildly interesting, and several spots were confusing. Keep working, watch your formatting and use of the CODE, and work on descriptions, as you could have elaborated quite a bit.

-Russ
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