HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Guerilla: Who needs enemies...
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 10:09 am    Post subject: Guerilla: Who needs enemies... Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Guerilla: Who needs enemies...
Posted by Mainevent
5 May 2005, 12:15 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mainevent.0505050015139.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mainevent
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ECHO...ECHo....ECho....Echo...echo....
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, stop yelling in here. You could hurt a guy's ears that way.


Pretty dang good. An interesting continuation. Added in some other elements, and a few twists. I noted a few smaller mistakes here and there, but nothing that really affected the story. Except maybe the last paragraph--the last two sentenses didn't seem to make sense in context.

Overall, you did good. Keep up the great work.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Red Ghost
Member


Joined: 23 Aug 2004
Posts: 17

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, when I was reading that I got so freakin' mad at those damn marines! That was not cool! I felt so sorry for that Elite. Well, awesome job, but I feel so depressed now...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally got to finish the last quarter.

Damn good job on the Covenant PoV. You're one of the best at that. You capture their style, details and dialogue like no other. Descriptions are great, and it actually flowed very nicely (in fact, this is an excellent flowing piece).

I noticed the double [hr]'s in there, and I don't think that was intentional. Just careful looking it over. Overall, outstanding job.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent. Well written from beginning to end. Realistic dialogue, good action and some decent plot twists. I only have one complaint, and it is a small one. Look at this:
Quote:
"Why did you vote-"
"Innocent?" Truth interrupted.
"Yes."
"Because, my dear Mercy, if Brotherhood was dead, he couldn't kill Regret."
"Kill Regret," Mercy repeated with exclamation, "you know very well that Brotherhood will never kill Regret."
"Of course he wouldn't, not of his own will. But with the evidence he'll leave behind we'll have to sentence him to death."
"This is ludicrous. We have more than sufficient evidence to try and execute both of them now!"
"What would you have me do? Declare a hierarch fallible. And then what? If one hierarch is capable of erring, then all are. No! He will die after a scornful Brotherhood exacts a bloody and tragic revenge against those who sentenced him, only to be struck down before brutally ending our lives."

I don't know how you can have Truth talking of planting evidence to find Brotherhood guilty of murder after saying, "What would you have me do? Declare a hierarch fallible. And then what? If one hierarch is capable of erring, then all are." Everything else you say in this conversation contradicts that sentence.

Still, some of the best stuff I've read on here. Great content written smooth as silk. What more could we ask?

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HoZ
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 440
Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

good job man
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Mainevent
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 11:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

But! Brotherhood is not a hierarch. He is a mere Prophet.

Only Truth, Mercy, and Regret are hierarchs. So plantint evidence against Brotherhood doesn't make the hierarchs look bad.

Hope I cleared that up.

It's kinda like the popes in the past. They were infallible, but the clergy weren't.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 11:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed I seeeee Embarassed [The Clown sees his batting average drop even more.] Well, that clears that up. At least I didn't accuse you of having a Wookie in your fic.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, tighten up them screws and quit "clowning" around...get it? Get it?

...tough crowd...

Anyway, your heirarch scene was excllent. The political emphasis, as well as the Prophet's speech, was dead on and flowed well.

The conspiracy between the Marines was very "Training Day." I liked it, though I found the dialouge hard to follow for some reason. I can't remember if I was distracted or not, but now that I think about it, the confusion could have been a perfect subconscious tool to make us think like the Marine hidden in the vents.

...Or maybe I'm overthinking it.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HELSING
Member


Joined: 21 Jan 2005
Posts: 151

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For some reason I can't see a Elite tryinhg to help a human wounded soldier, also why was that guy in the brig in the first place?

The Hierarch story was good, they were very good "set up" scenes.

That makes me mad that any Marine would have pleasure in killing one of his brothers, even if the guy picked on him. I don't know, it just seemed a little less realistic.

I'm one of your biggest fans, but I think this may have been one of your lesser works.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Mainevent
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Elite helped the Human because at the time they were somewhat allied. As far as he knew, his mission was to come to Earth with John and inspect the ruins. But, unfortunately for him, they split the two up when they arrived, and during the attack the ELite was put into the cell.

The guy next to him? Dunno why he was there. Probably did something naughty.

As for Paretti...he comes back later. You'll notice that he's EXTREMELY tempermental; evidenced by the fact that he killed someone whose only transgression was getting the man KP duty.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice.

I would comment more but I just can't.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Odin of SoS.
Member


Joined: 27 Nov 2004
Posts: 85
Location: Iraq

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i thought it was a great story. sadly some ppl in the Corps nowadays are like that. dunno if theyd go as far as shooting someone. but heck, who knows. cant wait for the next one bro.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member


Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Odin, what division do you serve with?
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group