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Long Time Gone Part 42

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 10:09 am    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 42 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 42
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
4 May 2005, 11:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.05040511342442.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Another installment of the longest series I've ever read.

I noticed that when I was reading this, I noticed that Alison was carrying for Chris a little too much, even killing a medic for pointing a gun at him. That's wrong. She is still a member of the UNSC, and they do pledge duties. If she was caught killing anyone like the way she did, all the men there when she killed the medic would be have to follow regulations. They would either try to subdue her for trial or kill her. Though, I guess she is a member of the Special Forces, but then it would still be totally un-realistic.

You got the rest of your shit together after the grenade explosion, which you could of gotten into more detail.

And you used ANs. Tsk tsk. Well, I can see you using them in that situation.

Overall, good job.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well they aren't that kind of Special Forces, ENS.

They are a Kill Team, they don't 'care' for other UNSC personal. They have what SC players would call 'Fifth Freedom', they can kill anyone and a fact is they aren't allowed to leave and witnesses that can pin it on the ONI, so even if the medic didn't do that he would have been shot after everyone got to the dropship.....
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I noted several small mistakes. Little things that a good proof would have gotten out. Don't get sloppy when going over as story. If you don't want to read through it all to fix, write less. But always make sure to put care into each one of your stories. People will notice.

I can't really bring myself to see a Special Forces soldier having such an emotional outburst. These are trained people that have been taught to supress their emotions and thoughts for years--and by now they would be damned good at it. What happened there just didn't seem right, almost like they were all civilians. An outburst would be okay afterwards, after everything had cooled off, but not during the incident.


Overall, it was a pretty good continuation, but still needs some touchup But, good luck on that other stuff you have to do. Just don't stay away too long.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2005 2:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm scared to go into this: with 42 chapters behind it, this one's big.

Most of the plot I didn't understand; but I have to agree that the killing was rather unlikely.
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