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New Man Runnin': Chapter One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 11:43 am    Post subject: New Man Runnin': Chapter One Reply with quote

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New Man Runnin': Chapter One
Posted by hunter_that_dances
3 May 2005, 3:47 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=hunter_that_.0503050347051.html
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HoZ
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Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

there is a neat thing... it is called the CODE... use it and love it. and it will treat you well....
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This wasn't bad, but you gave us a kind of stutter-step when you suddenly flashed back to Earth. A horizonal rule would have been good there.

All in all, this went by far too quickly for my liking. Take more time with your descriptions, especially since this will be in 1st person POV. If this guy is the special forces/ONI spook/what have you that you want him to be, don't you think he would observe more and take in those surroudings constantly? You did do a good job with him questioning his mental readiness, though. That was rather good.

I know you've been here a while, but keep working at this. This could be really good.
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Darth Spartan
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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 3:21 pm    Post subject: ok Reply with quote

It was ok..... wtf with that last line there.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good descriptions, could use some work. I noticed that while you did go into some very good aspects, you didn't really elaborate too much and moved on rather quickly. Don't be afraid to go nice and easy with descriptions, since that is the backbone of any story.

You wrote:
I had been on Tau Chi Ceti for a couple weeks now. My squad had just been rotated here when They attacked. The planet FLEETCOM center was hit first, decimating the command crew. Myself and the rest of platoon 3073 barely managed to escape the bunks in a rusted-out Pelican, held together by spit and prayers.


Well, I noticed some peculiar parts in this paragraph. "Planet FLEETCOM center"? That seemed odd, and somewhat confusing, since why would any planet be named FLEETCOM? Also, you described him as part of "platoon 3073", and that is not very accurate as to military designations of units. An example would be:

Quote:
Alpha Company, Fourth Platoon.


Not a huge designation like platoon 3073. Be careful to keep your facts in line.

You wrote:
My name is Mac Qin, Sergeant, service number # 28184-86427-MQ, Platoon 3073. I have dark hair, black eyes, and a heck of a bad demeanor when ticked off-which usually results in: a. the perpetrator getting a punch in the face, or b. a shotgun shell to the head.


That's alright, but it sounded rather juvenile. This is FP-PoV, so there are not easy ways to describe your character's looks or persona, but I can tell you that that is not the best way. Think a little more about how you incorperate details like this so that it doesn't seem weird to the reader.

All say again, some pretty good descriptions, but take them to another level. Also, watch out for punctuation, as I caught some easy errors in there. The content was fairly good, but you didn't really take the reader anywhere. I noticed the small mystery there (sounds like your 3073 is a death-squad), but I really didn't get anything else. Be sure to add more next time, and to bring in more plot for the reader.

Overall, it was good, though pretty short and slightly irrelevent (in my eyes thus far). It was enjoyable, however, so good job. Though that ending note really ticked me off. First, don't use AN's in your story, post them here on the forum, and second...

...Because you were lazy?

Damn, that was about twenty-nine lines. I have many more than that, and I still take the time; and besides that, you could have copied and pasted it in under a minute. If you don't want to use indents (as a style thing) that's fine, but don't go on to make yourself look like a fool by saying you were just lazy.

Let's have some standards.

-Russ
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hunter_that_dances
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

HoZ wrote:
there is a neat thing... it is called the CODE... use it and love it. and it will treat you well....


Uh, DID YOU SEE TEH BOLDFACE AND THE ITALICS? I didn't put in a lot of code because I typed it up using Word for a school project, and was too lazy to convert it.

Azrael wrote:
This wasn't bad, but you gave us a kind of stutter-step when you suddenly flashed back to Earth. A horizonal rule would have been good there.

All in all, this went by far too quickly for my liking. Take more time with your descriptions, especially since this will be in 1st person POV. If this guy is the special forces/ONI spook/what have you that you want him to be, don't you think he would observe more and take in those surroudings constantly? You did do a good job with him questioning his mental readiness, though. That was rather good.

I know you've been here a while, but keep working at this. This could be really good.


Yeah, i put a line in there for the Word version, but I forgot to put in the rule. My bad.

Oh, and I know I need to work on my descriptions. I have this problem-i like to rush for some reason. Ironically, I'm the slowest person in the track team, for the 200m

[quote"russ687"]Pretty good descriptions, could use some work. I noticed that while you did go into some very good aspects, you didn't really elaborate too much and moved on rather quickly. Don't be afraid to go nice and easy with descriptions, since that is the backbone of any story.

You wrote:
I had been on Tau Chi Ceti for a couple weeks now. My squad had just been rotated here when They attacked. The planet FLEETCOM center was hit first, decimating the command crew. Myself and the rest of platoon 3073 barely managed to escape the bunks in a rusted-out Pelican, held together by spit and prayers.


Well, I noticed some peculiar parts in this paragraph. "Planet FLEETCOM center"? That seemed odd, and somewhat confusing, since why would any planet be named FLEETCOM? Also, you described him as part of "platoon 3073", and that is not very accurate as to military designations of units. An example would be:

Quote:
Alpha Company, Fourth Platoon.


Not a huge designation like platoon 3073. Be careful to keep your facts in line.

You wrote:
My name is Mac Qin, Sergeant, service number # 28184-86427-MQ, Platoon 3073. I have dark hair, black eyes, and a heck of a bad demeanor when ticked off-which usually results in: a. the perpetrator getting a punch in the face, or b. a shotgun shell to the head.


That's alright, but it sounded rather juvenile. This is FP-PoV, so there are not easy ways to describe your character's looks or persona, but I can tell you that that is not the best way. Think a little more about how you incorperate details like this so that it doesn't seem weird to the reader.

All say again, some pretty good descriptions, but take them to another level. Also, watch out for punctuation, as I caught some easy errors in there. The content was fairly good, but you didn't really take the reader anywhere. I noticed the small mystery there (sounds like your 3073 is a death-squad), but I really didn't get anything else. Be sure to add more next time, and to bring in more plot for the reader.

Overall, it was good, though pretty short and slightly irrelevent (in my eyes thus far). It was enjoyable, however, so good job. Though that ending note really ticked me off. First, don't use AN's in your story, post them here on the forum, and second...

...Because you were lazy?

Damn, that was about twenty-nine lines. I have many more than that, and I still take the time; and besides that, you could have copied and pasted it in under a minute. If you don't want to use indents (as a style thing) that's fine, but don't go on to make yourself look like a fool by saying you were just lazy.

Let's have some standards.

-Russ[/quote]

1. Yep. Read my reply to Az for the reply.

2. Um, I meant for it to be the planet Fleet Comunications center. But looks like you read it from a different point. And about the designations...I got confused in the darned thing. BTW 3073 was my bro's platoon in boot camp.

3. about dscribing yourself-send me a pm about how to do it well, please. Could use some help wiht descriptions.

4. Plot...heh, this is just the beginning. didn't want to give away too much.

5. AN?

6. And I was lazy. That or the fact that it was 10:00, my dad was screaming at me to go to sleep, finals were in tomorrow, and my eyes were starting to water. Thank goodness that finals are over, and all I have left is my science pster and my research report.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
6. And I was lazy. That or the fact that it was 10:00, my dad was screaming at me to go to sleep, finals were in tomorrow, and my eyes were starting to water. Thank goodness that finals are over, and all I have left is my science pster and my research report.


Why didn't you wait until your finals were over? Laziness cannot be excused. Its alright if you don't use indent (Chuckles doesn't; its more of a style-thing), just don't say that you could've used it, but you didn't becuase you were lazy. And also, don't feel pressured to put up stories right away: wait for a week, at least. In that time, you might come up with new ideas, plotlines, and whatnot.
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Michael Archer
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 11:17 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

If you're too lazy to include the code, how on earth did you get through this story? That's not an excuse. You wouldn't get as harsh critics if you didn't know about the code.

Yeah, that's pretty much all.
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hunter_that_dances
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PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2005 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I won't aruge. Believe what you want, I seriously don't care.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel your pain. Not really, because I'm kind of numb right now. Please don't ask why, it's not drug related.

You need to work on your spelling, though I really shouldn't be talking. Embarassed
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hunter_that_dances
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I type it up on word before i post it. If there's a spelling error, then I don't know how it got there.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Upon reading this story I have descided that I agree with what everyone else had to say about it.

Lazy. Peh.

I did enjoy it however. I'm actually a pretty big fan for FPPOV stories.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You seem to be remarkably apathetic to the readers' comments... (if you noticed, I'm trying to sound intelligent)



Quote:
won't aruge. Believe what you want, I seriously don't care


Bah. No more, then. What's the point of commenting on something when the author doesn't even care?
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No no, he might he didn't care about the Code.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2005 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. You do first-person fairly well. It was short, but it definitely made the reader curious about the mission. I found the bit about ONI already applying shield technology and the like to UNSC ships to be somewhat of a stretch, but hey, it's your story.

Look at this:
Quote:
I grinned, and asked:

"What if I refuse?"

Rogers sat emotionless, and replied

"Well, let's just say you'll have an appointment with a memory wiper."


Never us four lines when two will suffice, and there is no reason to use a colon before your guy speaks. This sort of thing will take the reader out of the story, and up until this point I think that you had kept their attention quite well. Make it look more like this:
Quote:
A mischievous grin spread across my face. "What if I refuse?"

"Well," he said without a trace of emotion, " let's just say you'll have an appointment with a memory wiper."

See what I mean?

Like I always say, you have a natural flow to your writing, and you are getting better. First-person will be tough, but you seem to have some skill with it. I'll be looking forward to the next one: I have to know what that blasted mission is Very Happy

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