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The Mother of All Battles: Bombed by Seraphs
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: The Mother of All Battles: Bombed by Seraphs Reply with quote

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The Mother of All Battles: Bombed by Seraphs
Posted by Andres
28 April 2005, 7:37 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0428051937473.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall, it was good.

You wrote:
"Roger." Major Frank "The Tank" Kramer checked the ammo display on the Multi Function Displays by his knees in the small cockpit of the Longsword fighter. He was almost clean, only a full magazine of five hundred 140mm rounds remained; it was not enough to keep him in the fight they were loosing. "I'm clean," he sighed and pressed the knobs on the navigation screen, he moved the finger over the gel and the picture moved, he enabled a live data feed, "requesting vector to home base, and I'm Clear to upload NAV data."


Just some minor details and stuff, but it probably would have sounded better if you used the term "Bingo" instead of "clean". Clean would refer to the craft having no missiles, bombs or drop tanks under its wings, where as Bingo means that it's out of ordinance. Since you're talking about 140-mm rounds, which are not stored externally, the Longsword isn't "clean".

You wrote:
A NAV marker appeared on his HMD, he enabled the autopilot for the thirteen minutes trip at mach 12.


Yes, a Longsword can do Mach 12, but not at lower altitudes. Be sure that when you describe things like this, you also add that he climbed to altitude for the cruise. He'd have to be on the edge of the atmopshere for that kind of speed, not near the earth's surface.

You wrote:
The inertia dragged him forward as the aircraft slowed to a bare two hundred knots in less than thirty seconds.


Wow, that's about 9098 mph to about 200 mph in thirty seconds! So, perhaps think a little more realistically.

To sum up the Longsword part, you need to look at the specs of such a craft. I don't think a Longsword could fit on a highway (they're huge, by the way), and the two 140-mm rotary cannons didn't seem accurate. There's an excellent description on this site posted by someone a week or so ago that goes into massive details of the Longsword. Check it out.


As for the rest of it, it was good. Still noticing those GPS errors, though, so get those ironed out. It's been quite a while since you've started writing, so you need to finalize these things. Like I said earlier, keep reading published books, and maybe look for good source that will explain a lot more of the basics of writing and structure. Keep working, Andres.

-Russ
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
You wrote:
The inertia dragged him forward as the aircraft slowed to a bare two hundred knots in less than thirty seconds.


Wow, that's about 9098 mph to about 200 mph in thirty seconds! So, perhaps think a little more realistically.
Yes, I think that can be done.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a tough shot. In order for your pilot to go from 4092 m/s to about 85 m/s, he'd have to put up with about 14-g's of strain on his body for the entire 30-second period. Today, fighter pilots can withstand about 7.5-g's for extended periods of time (like 15 - 45 seconds), but doubling that amount of stress on the body for a full thirty seconds is not that feasible.

Let's just say that your character weighs 180 lbs. During the entire 30-second deaccerelation, he'll feel the induced weight of about 2520 lbs (over two tons!). That kind of force will probably snap your back.

Just a thought.

-Russ
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe today not, but five hundred years from now... who knows.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, Andres.

The human body wasn't designed to withstand that type of punishment. Past eight gees, the heart begins to labour. At nine it'll fail.

And the human body can't possibly evolve fast enough to counter the change. It's like lying down, being under fourteen times your own bodyweight; it'll kill you instantly. Genetic mutations are very minor, but something that big will take evolutions; millions of years! In fact, it probably wouldn't happen.

The thing is, physical pain begins at four gees; blackouts occur at seven, death is sure past nine or ten. It's just not feasible to imagine evolution could occur that fast; not even the chief could stand that kind of weight.

In the Fall of Reach, he can lift six times his own weight. That would mean he'd be able to withstand quite a bit. But not fourteen Gees. He could probably resist eight without passing out, but not for even thirty seconds. Under that kinda strain, the heart labours really bad; and he'd be dead at ten as well.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Luck wrote:
And the human body can't possibly evolve fast enough to counter the change. It's like lying down, being under fourteen times your own bodyweight; it'll kill you instantly. Genetic mutations are very minor, but something that big will take evolutions; millions of years! In fact, it probably wouldn't happen.
I'm not talking about evolution. I'm talking about technology, diferent G-Suits and such type of gadgets that pilots will provably have.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No. Absolutely not.

The pilots BODY will be crushed. It'd be like dropping a fridge on yourself. Even if the pilot's heart is artificially strengthened, which they will NOT be, it'll be compacted.

It's just not possible; and it's still not realistic. If your pilot is a synthetic, even they won't stand a chance.

Andres, not even solid steel can withstand that kind of pressure!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, I forgot to mention, and explain what I meant by "Solid Steel."

Andres, all a G-suit does is apply pressure to your legs; to stop the blood from rushing down toward your feet and draining away from your brain. That's all it does. It won't help under the crushing force of Gees. Sure, it can delay blackouts, but it can't stop the human heart from failing, nor can it stop the crushing forces. It'd be like having a fully-loaded fridge dropped on you from several stories up.

By that time, I forgot to say, also, the ship's spaceframe would be ruined subjecting to fourteen gees; that's what I mean by solid steel. The lighter pieces would be torn loose; the ship's frame would be instantly destroyed, or mangled. If the ship was solid steel, any outcroppings, like wings, or anything, would be mangled or bent into odd shapes, or even destroyed. It depends on the alloys. Low carbon steel (I'm talking about 0.3 alloy here) would bend. High carbon steel would break off or shatter; depending on the shape and size of the wings.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you can't predict technologic advances, but whatever. I'm taking note, wont do it again.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Andres.

Though, I might still add that the ship itself would be torn to pieces.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 1:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also, on the note, in the Halo universe, technology is not really advanced, except with the invention of slipspace engines.

Fusion engines are already in development now; they just haven't been really used; and it's not much trouble to build one big hunk 'o' steel. But to counteract the forces of physics, that's still outside the range of our capacity. And Even slipspace can't be accurately controlled; remember what they said in the Fall of Reach.

Sorry to break your ideas, Andres, but the idea with that is to strike as many ideas that don't hold up, down, to ensure that the story stays together as a whole. When I come up with an idea, I try my best to strike it down in any way possible; if it doesn't strike down within REASONABLE doubt, then it's a good idea.

That's mainly why I haven't got much up; and that I spend so damn long...

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your technical knowledge and terminology (minus the little skirmish on your deceleration) is unmatched. That bit with the Pelican saluting was a good image, and your Longsword scene was good as well.

You get into trouble with your flow. I don't whether I was tired, but I was actively pushing myself to keep on with your chapter. You did admirably well when trying to illustrate the horror of that highway conflagration, but I was struggling with your other bits.

The classroom scene was well done. But do you know why? Because I'm guessing the whole falling asleep in class thing has happened to you (Lord knows it's happened to me) and you described personal experience. I actually felt for your kid. That's good. That's making your readers care. I think you felt a connection with that character, and it shows. Now do that with the rest, and you'll be golden.

This chapter was sluggish, but I am confident you'll improve on it.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 3:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the Longsword could take 14-g's without breaking up. F-16 Falcons can hit 10-g's without a problem (provided that they are in a "clean" configuration, with no ordinance under their wings), so it comes down to the structural design of the craft. I wouldn't denounce a Longsword pulling 14-g's, entriely possible under the correct circumstances, but it's the physical effects the pilot feels that makes such a manuever impossible.

Though, Andres, I'm glad I'm having this type of conversation with you rather than talking about basic spelling or such. Still need to iron out your punctuation, but you've come a long way. Keep working.

-Russ
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was pretty good, the grammar mistakes messed up the flow of my reading. I like how its going and I just hope you have a good plot to go with the story and not just a boring action story. There are a lot of questions that this first post has started. Why invade with Seraphs and troops, why not glass the planet, wat do they want this planet for, is the major's family still alive. Is the UNSC going to be able to help? All these need to be eventually answered. If you have any questions or concerns email me.

Read all my series if you can.

ODST
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