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2Frustrating Circumstances

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: 2Frustrating Circumstances Reply with quote

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2Frustrating Circumstances
Posted by dom1 (moberly6@pacbell.net)
28 April 2005, 3:28 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dom1.0428050328162.html
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You tried hard with this one, but it went by WAY too quickly.

First, you gave us a sense of the setting. The description of the colors and smells is evidence you have listened to the advice. For that you are commeneded, and I didn't feel nearly as lost this time around.

You ran into a BIG problem, though. Your dialouge, particuarly your format of it. Let us proceed:

Quote:
. "OK, anyone hurt?" Kaston tried to raise his hand. "Yeah, I got you down. By the way, what's your name, son?" "Kaston." "WHAT?" "KASTON, SIR!" He turned over and coughed. "Ehh. Good enough. OK, whose dead?" Someone from the back yelled "I'm Evil still!" "Yes, but your not dead, Munoz. Anyone else?" Tipman spoke up also, " I'm dead from the neck up." "We already knew that, Tipman."


A few things immediately stand out. This is a block of text, and dialouge can never be this. It's too hard to figure out who's speaking. Also, Kaston probably wouldn't be feeling like raising a hand, coughing, or yelling with SEVEN broken ribs. GPS errors here, too. "Who's dead?" not "Whose dead?"

When you want to put emphasis on words, don't cap them. Use italics. Dialouge, particuarly banter, is one of my favorite devices in any fan fic, and so I am going to be straightforward with you. Banter indicates a certain level of intimacy between characters: they're comfortable enough to joke around with an authority figure or make fun of someone else. You're insinuating that these soldiers are a squad of some sort and that Kaston is an outsider. Good way to do that. But you could do it better. We'll appreciate the dialouge better if you give us pictures of HOW it's said. Allow me to show how I would do it (because this is quality banter and I'd like to play around with it)

Quote:
. "OK, anyone hurt?" The enigmatic soldier with the clipboard said in a strong, yet whimsical voice, almost as if he were a schoolteacher calling roll.

Kaston tried to raise his hand, but winced in pain. The man with the clipboard frowned at Kaston as if to say, Don't do that.

"Yeah, I got you down," he said dismissively as he made a quick mark on the paper. "By the way, what's your name, son?"

"Kaston." The Lieutenant said weakly.

"What?" The soldier asked irritably, cocking his head to the side.

"Kaston, sir." He saw spots after speaking. The pain in his side was absolutely blinding, and Kaston resolved not to speak that loudly again. He tried to block a fit of coughing, knowing the pain was coming, but he succumbed all the same. He thought he might pass out, but managed to overhear the rest of the strange roll call.

"Ehh. Good enough." The clipboard man's voice now picked up, as if he was getting ready for the good stuff. "OK, who's dead?" The question was asked with a tinge of a laugh. It seemed that the man expected someone to answer in the affirmative.

From behind him, Kaston heard a man yell "I'm evil still!"

"Yes, but you're not dead, Munoz. Anyone else?"

Tipman spoke up also, " I'm dead from the neck up." There was a brief sound of laughter as Kaston heard the clipboard smack against a helmet. He guessed the man with the clipboard was making sure. The crowd seemed to like it.

"We already knew that, Tipman."


It takes on a much more lively and engaging way when written like that. You're working on improving on your descriptions of setting, but to be honest I didn't get a good sense of that Hunter ship. That may have to be explained over again. I'll read it again to make sure it's not just me.

You've improved in some ways and taken a step back in others. This was really short, but you're making some progress. Keep at this, eventually all the pieces will come together. Good luck.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

n00b-like double post. I should really proof my own post.

I noticed I fell back on using "as if," a lot. That's way too repetitive. Don't do that. Azrael, you're an idiot.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 8:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I'm back. Again. For like...the fifth time.

So, the first thing I noticed was that you used the Code. Good job. I'm proud.
However, you didn't separate your dialogue. Like Azrael said, always start a new paragraph whenever someone new starts speaking. It was kinda hard to tell who was talking with this one.
Another thing was that your military tactic things were kinda off. I doubt that a unit commander would tote around a clipboard to take role of who was dead.
I did, however, like how your guys cracked jokes during the attendance taking.
Overall, it had a lot of potential, but could have also been a bit better.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed I have a big problem seperating dialogue. I just never found myself in the position to have to use it.
It's very ironic that you tell me that I have to work on detail, because I'm such a stickler for it in my art.

Heh, I mentioned my friend in this one. He's going to be a continuing character. His name? Munoz, Tony Munoz. Yes, he actually is evil, at least to friends he is.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad. At times this was hard to follow, primarily due to the fact that you failed to separate your dialogue. When you run your dialogue together like that your reader needs a crystal ball to figure out who is speaking. Also, this story was lacking sufficient atmoshpere. You need to make sure that you convey your environment enough for the reader to picture it. If you don't give your story a vivid setting it will not seem real. Always get a good image in your head of the surroundings and then use all of your writing skill to yank the reader out of their world and in to the world you have created.

Good imagination and a lot of potential. I'll watch for your next one.

C.T. Clown
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 9:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Including your friends as characters is an excellent thing to do, and I'll tell you why: the character is right there in front of your face. So use that to your advantage. Tell us what your friend looks like, how he/she/it talks, what their movements look like, what are their annoying or endearing quirks.

...Well, dont say it right now
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2005 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't get too thrown off with the setting and details, actually. I got what I needed for the amount of text you had. On that note, consolidate your chapters if you can. These short things get run through like toilet paper.

The need to sperate dialogue isn't just when one feels it is needed. Ya absolutely need it whenever you change speakers. You don't even need to tag on "he said" or "grumbled so and so" onto the end of it so long as you put it on a new line and indent it. Even a one word response of "Oh." deserves it's own paragraph if you changed speakers.

Have fun!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2005 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your title caught my eye in that it both had a number in it, and that the number was attached to a word. I would adise against both of those. Spell out the "2", and keep it separate. Looks better.

The header struck me as rather unprofessinal. "Who knows" as a time stamp. "Unknown" would look a whole lot less casual.

This did seem to move by rather quickly. The detail was sparse, and so getting a picture of the setting was a tad difficult. Sure, I made it up in my head, but it is always best to provide placement details for the reader to be able and use to build the scene in their mind.

"f*@k" No. Either use the word or don't. We all--most of us anyway Wink -- are mature enough to see the word "fuck" in writing. It's not gonna offend us. So if you feel it necessary to use, go ahead. If you are not to keen on including it, then find another word.

That dialogue is very important. Not only is it essential to break it up, but adding in those descriptions with them--like Azrael demonstrated--gives us a much better idea of the characters. It adds emotion, and paints the picture that much more clearly.

Spell out those minor numbers.


Overall, this was okay. But it need to be more thoroughly developed and expanded. More material. Keep working; and good luck.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again, dude, take your time. Remember that when we talk about details, we're not just talking about "and the furniture was red, the color of freshly spilled blood" stuff here. We're also talking about how your character interacts and reacts from his environments- not only does that help the reader visualize the setting, it also further develops their character in a way more subtle and better. Check this out:

He was a perpetually angry man.

to

He screamed, raged, but then, he always did that; the borken glasses and shattered dishes lying in jagged shards on his kitchen provided quite a testimony.
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Berconius
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 1:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
Check this out:

He was a perpetually angry man.

to

He screamed, raged, but then, he always did that; the borken glasses and shattered dishes lying in jagged shards on his kitchen provided quite a testimony.


Well, depends when you're doing this and how important your character is. You've also got ot look out for long, chunky sentences lest you end up sounding like Henry David Thoreau.

"He was a perpetually angry man" works fine in context. You don't need to drag out your descriptions into tangents to give us the right picture of the setting. Compression of statement, brevity, and the like. You've got to have heard this from all over the place, but it's true: say more with less. It's always theoretically possible. Look at haikus.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Well, depends when you're doing this and how important your character is. You've also got ot look out for long, chunky sentences lest you end up sounding like Henry David Thoreau.

"He was a perpetually angry man" works fine in context. You don't need to drag out your descriptions into tangents to give us the right picture of the setting. Compression of statement, brevity, and the like. You've got to have heard this from all over the place, but it's true: say more with less. It's always theoretically possible. Look at haikus.


Of course! But in this case of dom1, I think the latter would have worked better. There is a difference between saying more with less and saying pretty much nothing with less; and unless you happen to have a smorsgabord of plot to tell, especially in fanfiction where the average serial story ranges to about sixty pages, its good to take your time and words. And again, you have to admit, the author could have used more details.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2005 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Being spoken about in 3rd person is fun.
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