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Urban Warfare: Ch. 9: Maybe the End, Maybe it Ainít

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:16 pm    Post subject: Urban Warfare: Ch. 9: Maybe the End, Maybe it Ainít Reply with quote

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Urban Warfare: Ch. 9: Maybe the End, Maybe it Ainít
Posted by hunter_that_dances
27 April 2005, 4:47 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=hunter_that_.0427050447049.html
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russ687
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Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, it's been a while since you've posted. Glad to see you again.

Now as for the writing...

Quote:
Suddenly, a steady stream of eight cracks echoed through the heated air, resulting in wet, dull thuds, as the apes fell, headless.


Proper punctuation is essential, as it directly controls the flow of the piece. Here is an example of over-punctuation with commas. Try saying that aloud, and you'll see the flow problem. Watch out for that in the future.

Quote:

Ika was standing on the gore-splattered command island.

"Ika, you have power up now."

Ika grinned, and tapped his foot.


Here's an example of repetition. By starting each line with "Ika" you present a overuse of the name in a short amount of space. Substitute with other words, like "he".

Quote:
"Ika, let our ship's divine wind blow them away, to the darkest depths of Hades."


Interesting. You could have said Tartarus, but I think that would be too coincidental. Wink


Overall, it was decent. Needs some work. I don't have much time at the moment, but I think you know enough to get started. Keep working and improving, and don't use AN's (say anything you want here in the forum). I'll look for your next posting.

-Russ
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see you, man. Excellent use of the code, by the way Smile

Here was something that nagged at me:

Quote:
"What the hell is a Dreadnought?" Pierce screamed through his COM

"A ship of rarity in the fleet. Only the Prophets can command one. And they have a reputation for destroying many ships."


I thought the last sentence was rather unnatural, even for a Sangheilli. I think something like this might have been better: "It is a ship of rarity in the fleet. Only the Prophets may command one. They hold quite a distinction for their prowess in battle."

And also, I didn't like the AN used here: we know its not the end.

Quote:
"Full power to the engines. Fire all weapons at their shield generators, and then ram the dreadnought."


If they could take out the other ship's shields, why don't they simply, after cutting through the defenses, take out the other ship with long-range fire?

But good, otherwise. Keep it up, man. And again, its nice to see you in HBO again. [/quote]
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 7:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to see you posting something HTD.

Not bad, but it could have been so much better. There are a couple of things keeping you from a higher level of writing. First, you need to establish a setting for your story. Pull the reader into your world with rich, vivid descriptives. If they can't see it in their head then you have failed. Second, you need to show and not tell. I know that we throw that phrase around a lot, but that is because it is very important. For example, you wrote:
Quote:
He turned his head to see the Marcus twins. Using their Rocket Launcher's scope to aim their rockets, and not putting themselves in harms way, they were able to take out quite a few of those Brutes.
This sounds like an action summary or a history. You need to make it sound more like a play-by-play. One way to do that is to ask yourself the right questions.
Here are a few you could have asked:

--How did they keep themselves out of harm's way?
--What was their proximity to your protagonist?
--How quickly were they shooting?
--Were they standing, crouching, running, kneeling or what?
--What happened to the enemy as their rockets hit?


I could go on and on, and so could you. Answering some of these questions with vivid descriptives and active verbs would have transformed two bland sentences into something much more effective and entertaining.

Also watch your line breaks. You use them too much, and that gets distracting.

You have a great imagination and a good deal of writing talent. I hate to see that obscured by poor setting, sparse detail and too much telling. Keep a close eye on these things and your writing will improve dramatically.

Hope to see something else from you soon.

C.T. Clown
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hunter_that_dances
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I had to rush it. I had Finals coming up, and only had this window of oppertunity.

Good news is, i'm using an assignment from my teacher, to write a narrative composition, to write my next series.

Bad news is, Finals ain't over yet. I also have a Research paper due in two weeks, and i have to work on a science project.

C'mon summer, hurry up already!
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been waiting for the series to continue.

It's good to see you again, hunter, because I thought you were gone! We hadn't heard from you in a long, long time!

Anyhow, it's good to see this series continued, I'll catch it up later.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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OpeningAct
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Location: In my super-fantastic time machine

PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Although I havn't read all of this series, I have read snippets and what i've read is pretty decent. This last part is vastly improved from when you first started writing, you've got infinitely better.

As for this actual part, the bit at the end where the cruiser rams the Dreadnaught, I thought all the charactars seemed a bit too.... cheerful. You needed it to be a bit more dramatic and sad, describe things better. It would have made the ending much more effective and rememberable.

Overall, it was pretty good, though there is room for improvement. I look forward to reading your new series.

-OA
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 11:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rush it? No, you didn't have to do that! Give a story the time it needs. Else you get these kinds of results.

Good to see you up and a bout HTD. I was wondering where you had gone to. School. It can be a schedule killer.

Anyway.

I'll go with russ there about ANs. Personal thanks like that can be done on the forum. Just seems out of place. Giving credit or specific thanks is alright--I suppose--but there is no real need to stick it at the top of your story.

It could have, indeed, used a good bit more detail. Things sounded--and you said it yourself--rushed. They moved by too quickly, and skipped over what could have been some great detail oportunities. Describe the scene, don't tell us about it. We want to be there, not be told about it.

As russ was saying about that repetition, you should be using variety. But don't just confine yourself to words like "he." Use "the Elite" or "the Sangheli" or some other less generalistic (Elite is general, but not nearly as much as "he") terms.

Elite-speak is very important. So just picture all of your Elites as Teal'cs. Make them talk like that, and you'll be fine.

Flow. It is very important. And you need to work on it. Having too much punctuation or the wrong word is like scattering gravel across your reading-road or making a pot-hole. Both will really lessen the smoothness of the read. Thus it is preferable to avoid these problems.

The mood could have been much more firmly set. I didn't really fell a sense of loss or sadness when you presented the plan for them all to die. It was just kind of solumn, and then turned to excitement and enthusiasm. Always be conscious of your theme. Emotion is a very important element.


Overall, this was pretty good. Kind of quick ending, and not as powerful as I would have prefered, but still a good one. Hope to see you posting more frequently. Keep it up.
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