HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

ODSTs - A Tribute
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 2:44 pm    Post subject: ODSTs - A Tribute Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

ODSTs - A Tribute
Posted by Conrad Lauf (conniesworld_aka_hell@hotmail.com)
25 April 2005, 1:21 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=conrad_lauf.0425050121001.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this a lot, it shows some versatility on your part. You hit us from the left with some quality humor (which is rare to see here), then counter on the right with some pretty solid drama.

I think you might catch some flak here for the "Super Marines" that seem to crop up in some work: Making your Marines (or ODSTs) more MC-like than reality permits. I don't think you were guilty of that here, though an unknown number of spec ops Elites vs. 16 ODSTs...*gets out calculator*...5 ODSTs left vs. 12 spec ops...that's pretty good. About normal, I guess. These things can be fudged, and you weren't blatantly having ODSTs slaughter easily every Elite they came across. If you do another chapter, they better get backup quick, because I won't believe those ODSTs will last against 10:1 odds.

I liked your Elitespeak. Good use of vocabulary, especially having your leader say "Structure" instead of "Building." Nice work.

That said, there were several parts where your flow hit bumps (I'm guilty of the same, but I'm just saying I noticed it). I would have also liked some more visual details on the incoming HEVs...you did that somewhat, but I would have liked more. I did like your quick bit about the HEV opening, that was how I imagined it working out as well. Your hand to hand combat scene was...I dunno, I suspended disbelief enough to enjoy it. But you lost me at the headbut. I didn't see that happening. Seemed too Neo/Agent Smith to me.

Don't get me wrong, I really did enjoy it. It flew by and is very deserving of praise. Nice to know you've got a left and a right Wink
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple formatting errors. They're the easiest to catch, so be sure to pay attention to them when you hit the preview button. Also picked out some punctuation errors in there, so be sure to read aloud when you proof-read. Punctuation is the backbone of the flow, so it's imperative that that is ironed out prior to posting.

More on the formatting, I saw some places that shouldn't be split into a new paragraph. I've noticed this occasionally, but sometimes authors tend to either have massive paragraphs or little short ones; you have to find the nice spot in the middle (that's a generalization, by the way).

You wrote:
Instantly the air was filled with a hissing sound as the turrets began to methodically cut down the group of humans, the hissing sound of them being fired filling the air like a great snake.

They did not stop until every last one lay on the ground, their bodies torn apart by the heavy weapons.
Aldaree turned to face the platoon of Grunts standing behind him.


Combine that so it flows more nicely, like...

Quote:
Instantly the air was filled with a hissing sound as the turrets began to methodically cut down the group of humans, the sound filling the air like a great snake. They did not stop until every last one of those filth lay on the ground, their bodies torn apart by the heavy weapons. Aldaree gazed upon the carnage before him, then turned to face the platoon of Grunts standing behind him.


What that does is solve some of the formatting problems as well as fix the flow so the reader can go through it easier. I also eliminated some repetition and added some descriptive references to clear some confusion. A descriptive paragraph of that length and composure is perfect, and will greatly ease the reabability of the piece.

I thought the initial scenes and descriptions of the ODSTs landing were good, but I didn't like the end of it, when the ODST yelled out at the Elite and the Elite responded. It seemed a little immature and off-character to what an ODST would say; envision them as silent, trained professionals, who don't taunt their foe but rather only kill them with grim effectiveness. Sure, they yell, but not like that in that context.

You wrote:
After the surviving eleven Spec Ops Elites had seen their leader slain by a mere human, they had fled, with Maleck's remaining five ODST Helljumpers in pursuit, howling with bloodlust as they tackled the Elites to the ground and disposed of them with their combat knives.


I didn't like that. For one, Elites will never retreat, especially in the face of only five ODSTs (and there were eleven Elites). I love them, but ODSTs are not Spartans, and Elites still have the mentiality that they can beat them (which they can, unless there's good teamwork on the Marine side of things). Also, the ODSTs seemed like crazy bloodthursty men, chasing down the Elites like that. Not even close to how they would really act.

Nice ending, but the story was tainted with misconceptions. You did a fair job, but a lot of minor stuff slowed it down, along with your portrayal of the ODSTs. I don't own the copyrights to them, but I don't believe this was a good representation of the ODSTs.

Nevertheless, keep going, and I'm looking out for your next posting.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Michael Archer
Member


Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:04 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

This was the best story I've read today.

The only part I didn't like is the begining. That was really brutal, but i know that's what the Covenant do. Messed up world we live in today isn't it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Recent Flood Victim
Member


Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like this story. You what and who and how the ODSTs operate and feel. The crazy drive and the manic pride they feel in battle.

But also try to add emotion to them. Sure their the closest Human equivalent to a Spartan, but even a Spartan feels remorse. Show how they saw the masacre at their feet. The blood which coated the ground of the bodies which lie at their feet.

Also an Elite squad of 11 would not run from an ODST squad of 5. Just wont happen. They'll stay and die if it means full filling their pride.

But all in all a great story! An 9/10- Great story to follow up, but needs some work.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Conrad Lauf
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, here's why I keep AN's in my stories:
1. The outcome of combat in this story was based as though it had been fought in Easy Settings.
2. I was going to have the ODST look down at the ground and see the bullethole-riddled corpse of a four-year-old girl just before he killed the Spec Ops leader, and then say:
"You and your squid-lipped pricks killed CHILDREN?"
And then have him lay into the leader with his knives, but forgot to put it in before submitting.
3. According to everyone who's read the books, aren't ODST Helljumpers complete psychos?
Oh well, thanks for your comments everyone!
P.S. I don't think I will write another chapter, considering how this one was taken lol.
See you all later
Connie
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can't be completely right in the head to volunteer to fall through the atmosphere in a glorified egg, yes. But to be honest, by the end you made them seem like Jackals. I would imagine Covenant Jackals acting like that. Just my 0.02.

Based on easy settings, huh? They do do a lot better under easy settings, I will admit. See your PM for a quick message from me. I want to ask a question, but I dont want to see this thread go OT.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Recent Flood Victim
Member


Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry about the bad comments. Please add on another Chapter to this story, it is VERY good and I will enjoy the next one.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
LordsFire
Member


Joined: 28 Dec 2004
Posts: 45
Location: Da U.P.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your writing is good, but I can't let a couple things slip.

I caught a huge amount of flack in my hunter/hunted series for two particular things. First, pitting a human (he was an ODST too) against an Elite with a blade against a plasma blade, and having him win. The two things were the strength difference, and the fact that steel cannot deflect a plasma blade. I actually had an explanation for Evans blade deflecting plasma, but you have presented none.

For the strength, I just specifically avoided having them exchange blows directly, as that would result in Evans being simply overwhelmed for strength.

How do you explain these things? Realism please. I can see ODST's taking down elite's in those numbers, IF you can explain how they overcame strength difference.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would generally say to completely avoid using Easy settings to base a story off of. I think that is just, well, too little difficulty. It makes it seem lesser than it should really be.

The lowest I would recomment for a Marine fic would be Normal. Legendary would be just plain rediculous. Sure, they could survive, but your tactics and what not would have to be described to be near perfect. And every mistake results in an ended life.

Heroic would be good. But only with a small group of Covenant, or a large group of Marines. If it is the opposite, things could get messy and end too quickly. So it really depends on the kind of situation you are writing about.

However, do remember one thing: In the real world (and you want to make your stories sound like the real world) you don't get second chances. If you are killed in combat, you are dead. No question. No reverting to Checkpoints if you make a mistake or run into something unexpected. No, in the real world, soldiers have to cope with their situations as they progress. They can't play a level a hundred times and so know where each and every enemy is going to be or do.

That is a part of realism.


There were places where the flow could have been better. Watch for GPS errors. But, in this case, not just small ones. Larger ones that affect the way a sentense flows with the rest of the text are a bit more important in regards to the writing. Repedetiveness was part of it.

The detail was good for the most part, but there could have been more. Describe every little bit. Generalising is okay at times, but only if you keep it up. And, even then, details will be lacking. So focus on painting a picture vividly enough to where the person can imagine themselve being there. That means you have to cover all the bases.

I did not find the physical combat between the ODST and the Elites very realistic. Hell, you can hit an Elite with a melee dead on and have it come back and kill you with a good blow. They can take one hit pretty well. Plus, I didn't see much mention of their shields towards the beginning of the battle. Like they were down, or they weren't doing any good. Plus there is the strength issue. That one hit that an Elite can take is from a Spartan - who would be able to hit about three-times more powerfully than even a fit Marine. Keep all of that in mind.

Quote:
...both his energy swords sizzling as fresh human blood dripped off their blades.

Here is just a case of a mis-detail. Blood is not gonna drip from plasma. Never. It is gonna be turned into free-floating molecules about as soon as the stab is made. Watch that kind of thing.

I think your Elite-speak was pretty darned good. However, their personalitites at the end were pretty... unbelievablle. They probably would have fought harder after having their leader killed. Not just run away. They would have been cowards for that. And Elites hold honor over about anything else.


Overall, this wasn't bad, not bad at all. However, just the mix of elements that seemed off took away from the story. It could have been really good, but I don't think you accomplished what you could have. Not a bad attempt, however. Just keep working and take these comments into account. Keep up the work; and good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
dom1
Member


Joined: 23 Apr 2005
Posts: 97
Location: Merrily chasing my pet grunty Cuckoo in 100+ post land!! I made it!

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The setting was fitting to the events. But the battle of the 'titans' didn't exactly jive with the reality sense of it all.

Other than that, I was very interested by the events taking place, they caught my attention. Heck, I guess I am a little sadistic. Twisted Evil
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Shaolin Fist
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 27

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

if you write more chapters, that'd be pretty cool. overall this was a great ass-kicking story. you've heard it before, lol, i do have to admit there's the discrepancy in numbers. sure, if there's 2 or 3 remaining elites - blue elites - then yea, just maybe they'd turn tail. but 11 is pushing it. lol. keep it up though
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Conrad Lauf
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 6:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looking back at it, I just realized how dumb this story was, and have decided that I'll stick to Fan Art and comedies for a while, until I read the books or decide whether or not to continue writing action stories.
It's just too easy to make dumb mistakes in dramatic stories.
See you all later and thank you for your feedback,
Connie
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Odin of SoS.
Member


Joined: 27 Nov 2004
Posts: 85
Location: Iraq

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

if your writing this well without having read the books, props on ya bro. me being a Marine, i tend to wanna make em "super-soldiers" too. ODSTs especially. reading fanfic again makes me wanna buy a laptop and get back into it. i think ur good to go with dramatic pieces. just need more info, or some shit like that. keep writing though gruff.
oorah, semper fi, and kill.
even though most yall are in middle school Confused
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Recent Flood Victim
Member


Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not in middle school.....I'm in 9th grade. But anyway....yea no need to even type this....ok bye.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group