HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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ODSTs - A Tribute
Posted by Conrad Lauf (conniesworld_aka_hell@hotmail.com)
25 April 2005, 1:21 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=conrad_lauf.0425050121001.html

[Azrael]

I liked this a lot, it shows some versatility on your part. You hit us from the left with some quality humor (which is rare to see here), then counter on the right with some pretty solid drama.

I think you might catch some flak here for the "Super Marines" that seem to crop up in some work: Making your Marines (or ODSTs) more MC-like than reality permits. I don't think you were guilty of that here, though an unknown number of spec ops Elites vs. 16 ODSTs...*gets out calculator*...5 ODSTs left vs. 12 spec ops...that's pretty good. About normal, I guess. These things can be fudged, and you weren't blatantly having ODSTs slaughter easily every Elite they came across. If you do another chapter, they better get backup quick, because I won't believe those ODSTs will last against 10:1 odds.

I liked your Elitespeak. Good use of vocabulary, especially having your leader say "Structure" instead of "Building." Nice work.

That said, there were several parts where your flow hit bumps (I'm guilty of the same, but I'm just saying I noticed it). I would have also liked some more visual details on the incoming HEVs...you did that somewhat, but I would have liked more. I did like your quick bit about the HEV opening, that was how I imagined it working out as well. Your hand to hand combat scene was...I dunno, I suspended disbelief enough to enjoy it. But you lost me at the headbut. I didn't see that happening. Seemed too Neo/Agent Smith to me.

Don't get me wrong, I really did enjoy it. It flew by and is very deserving of praise. Nice to know you've got a left and a right
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[russ687]

A couple formatting errors. They're the easiest to catch, so be sure to pay attention to them when you hit the preview button. Also picked out some punctuation errors in there, so be sure to read aloud when you proof-read. Punctuation is the backbone of the flow, so it's imperative that that is ironed out prior to posting.

More on the formatting, I saw some places that shouldn't be split into a new paragraph. I've noticed this occasionally, but sometimes authors tend to either have massive paragraphs or little short ones; you have to find the nice spot in the middle (that's a generalization, by the way).

[Michael Archer]

This was the best story I've read today.

The only part I didn't like is the begining. That was really brutal, but i know that's what the Covenant do. Messed up world we live in today isn't it?

[Recent Flood Victim]

I really like this story. You what and who and how the ODSTs operate and feel. The crazy drive and the manic pride they feel in battle.

But also try to add emotion to them. Sure their the closest Human equivalent to a Spartan, but even a Spartan feels remorse. Show how they saw the masacre at their feet. The blood which coated the ground of the bodies which lie at their feet.

Also an Elite squad of 11 would not run from an ODST squad of 5. Just wont happen. They'll stay and die if it means full filling their pride.

But all in all a great story! An 9/10- Great story to follow up, but needs some work.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV

[Conrad Lauf]

Ok, here's why I keep AN's in my stories:
1. The outcome of combat in this story was based as though it had been fought in Easy Settings.
2. I was going to have the ODST look down at the ground and see the bullethole-riddled corpse of a four-year-old girl just before he killed the Spec Ops leader, and then say:
"You and your squid-lipped pricks killed CHILDREN?"
And then have him lay into the leader with his knives, but forgot to put it in before submitting.
3. According to everyone who's read the books, aren't ODST Helljumpers complete psychos?
Oh well, thanks for your comments everyone!
P.S. I don't think I will write another chapter, considering how this one was taken lol.
See you all later
Connie

[Azrael]

You can't be completely right in the head to volunteer to fall through the atmosphere in a glorified egg, yes. But to be honest, by the end you made them seem like Jackals. I would imagine Covenant Jackals acting like that. Just my 0.02.

Based on easy settings, huh? They do do a lot better under easy settings, I will admit. See your PM for a quick message from me. I want to ask a question, but I dont want to see this thread go OT.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[Recent Flood Victim]

Don't worry about the bad comments. Please add on another Chapter to this story, it is VERY good and I will enjoy the next one.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV

[LordsFire]

Your writing is good, but I can't let a couple things slip.

I caught a huge amount of flack in my hunter/hunted series for two particular things. First, pitting a human (he was an ODST too) against an Elite with a blade against a plasma blade, and having him win. The two things were the strength difference, and the fact that steel cannot deflect a plasma blade. I actually had an explanation for Evans blade deflecting plasma, but you have presented none.

For the strength, I just specifically avoided having them exchange blows directly, as that would result in Evans being simply overwhelmed for strength.

How do you explain these things? Realism please. I can see ODST's taking down elite's in those numbers, IF you can explain how they overcame strength difference.

[MC's Cousin]

I would generally say to completely avoid using Easy settings to base a story off of. I think that is just, well, too little difficulty. It makes it seem lesser than it should really be.

The lowest I would recomment for a Marine fic would be Normal. Legendary would be just plain rediculous. Sure, they could survive, but your tactics and what not would have to be described to be near perfect. And every mistake results in an ended life.

Heroic would be good. But only with a small group of Covenant, or a large group of Marines. If it is the opposite, things could get messy and end too quickly. So it really depends on the kind of situation you are writing about.

However, do remember one thing: In the real world (and you want to make your stories sound like the real world) you don't get second chances. If you are killed in combat, you are dead. No question. No reverting to Checkpoints if you make a mistake or run into something unexpected. No, in the real world, soldiers have to cope with their situations as they progress. They can't play a level a hundred times and so know where each and every enemy is going to be or do.

That is a part of realism.


There were places where the flow could have been better. Watch for GPS errors. But, in this case, not just small ones. Larger ones that affect the way a sentense flows with the rest of the text are a bit more important in regards to the writing. Repedetiveness was part of it.

The detail was good for the most part, but there could have been more. Describe every little bit. Generalising is okay at times, but only if you keep it up. And, even then, details will be lacking. So focus on painting a picture vividly enough to where the person can imagine themselve being there. That means you have to cover all the bases.

I did not find the physical combat between the ODST and the Elites very realistic. Hell, you can hit an Elite with a melee dead on and have it come back and kill you with a good blow. They can take one hit pretty well. Plus, I didn't see much mention of their shields towards the beginning of the battle. Like they were down, or they weren't doing any good. Plus there is the strength issue. That one hit that an Elite can take is from a Spartan - who would be able to hit about three-times more powerfully than even a fit Marine. Keep all of that in mind.

[dom1]

The setting was fitting to the events. But the battle of the 'titans' didn't exactly jive with the reality sense of it all.

Other than that, I was very interested by the events taking place, they caught my attention. Heck, I guess I am a little sadistic.

[Shaolin Fist]

if you write more chapters, that'd be pretty cool. overall this was a great ass-kicking story. you've heard it before, lol, i do have to admit there's the discrepancy in numbers. sure, if there's 2 or 3 remaining elites - blue elites - then yea, just maybe they'd turn tail. but 11 is pushing it. lol. keep it up though

[Conrad Lauf]

Looking back at it, I just realized how dumb this story was, and have decided that I'll stick to Fan Art and comedies for a while, until I read the books or decide whether or not to continue writing action stories.
It's just too easy to make dumb mistakes in dramatic stories.
See you all later and thank you for your feedback,
Connie

[Odin of SoS.]

if your writing this well without having read the books, props on ya bro. me being a Marine, i tend to wanna make em "super-soldiers" too. ODSTs especially. reading fanfic again makes me wanna buy a laptop and get back into it. i think ur good to go with dramatic pieces. just need more info, or some shit like that. keep writing though gruff.
oorah, semper fi, and kill.
even though most yall are in middle school

[Recent Flood Victim]

I'm not in middle school.....I'm in 9th grade. But anyway....yea no need to even type this....ok bye.

Your neighborhood friend,
RFV