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Battle For Blue Base: Part 1, Charred Sniper

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 2:44 pm    Post subject: Battle For Blue Base: Part 1, Charred Sniper Reply with quote

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Battle For Blue Base: Part 1, Charred Sniper
Posted by Ace of Spades9 (stockgame@hotmail.com)
25 April 2005, 12:24 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ace_of_spade.0425050024391.html
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Look man, you're not a bad writer. In fact, your details were pretty good, though I didn't know what the surroundings looked like or felt like or what was at stake, how long they had been fighting, what their relationships were like, etc.

The problem is in your subject matter. I'm begging you to keep writing here and develop your skills, but abandon the multiplayer fic. No one follows them except your buddies who are looking to see just how magnificently they owned someone. Chuckles does this, but he changes the locale. The players he uses have a backstory, emotion, and relationships with each other. There's real feeling there. This doesn't have it. You're just telling us about a game you once played. That won't interest readers.

My advice is to start over. Take the character names you were going to use and condense them so they don't seem so gamerish (I know, that's not even a real word...) and give them some REAL objective. Send them to get something, kill something, get AND kill something. But before you do that, read Chuckles' "Mission from SATU" or "Ghosts of Erebus." That's what you should shoot for. That said, don't copy the 'ol guy, either Wink .

I only say this because you have compentency as a writer. I can see that. To quote "Gladiator": "You're good, Spaniard, but you're not that good. You could be great."

If you want to continue writing in HBO, I urge you to do the things I just listed. I hope to see more stuff from you.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This wasn't all the great. It was mildy interesting, and your "callsigns" were very multiplayer like. The action was not blended in well with descriptions, and it overall seemed more like a childish dream of what could happening during a multiplayer game rather than something realistic.

Overall, the writing wasn't too bad, but it's the content that killed you. Work on writing a piece that encompasses more than just what you put in. Keep trying.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't really have anything against MultiPlayer fics - of course, that is only if they are done one of two ways: serious or comedy. The latter is fairly difficult to do without sounding rediculous and stupid. However, the former is, I think, a good way to practice your writing skills here.

Using a MP map, and using Spartans versus Spartans or Elites, or whatever, is okay. However, when you do this, you must remember to take the story seriously.

If you write it like you are used to playing it, including the callsigns, people will probably not take it well. Or at least experienced readers such as Azrael, russ, and myself. We like things written with realism, and with care.

So, what I am saying is that it is okay by me to write a MP fic. Just treat your characters like real Spartans or Elites, and treat your battles like real battles for life or death, and not a fun match your friends had one time.

Once you have practiced enough and your writing skills are better, then you can take off and start trying new things. You could try that now, in fact. But practicing with the advice you are given first is a good thing. Like taking a few test runs with a new snowboard before you decide to try anything serious or fancy.


Anyway. Here's some advice to help you improve:

Start using the Code. It is very easy to understand and implement in your work here. With it, you can add text effects and a couple formatting items. I'm not gonna tell you what these things are or how to use them, but you can find out for yourself real quickly by clicking on the link in my signature.

Watch your Point of View - or perspective - changes. You switched from one to the other from one paragraph to the next. That is not a good thing to do. It is inconsistent, confusing, and rough flow-wise. So avoid changing around like that. Pick one, and stick to it.

Also, try not to use such small flashbacks; like "four seconds earlier." That is almost pointless to write. Why do something that is just four seconds earlier when you could easily change perspectives (it is okay to have two or three main characters to pop between, so long as you do so smoothly, and have each part a good length) to accomidate the moment. Keep that in mind.

Use more detail. Describe the environment and all about it. Show us what your characters do. Expand and develop each part to add substance. No short parts that seem like summaries - descriptive paragraphs that put the reader in the story. Since you are using words, and not a picture, you must use the words as your paint to form that picture in our minds. It may sound and seem rather odd, but it is very possible. As long as the reader has a willing imagination to go along, things will come out wonderfully.

Make things seem more realistic. I can see popping to "real world" for a comedy, but not like that. If you are writing about a MP fic, you are in the fic, not playing from the outside. Stick in the game and pretend it is not one. Oh, and that means - guess what - no respawns. You only have one life, after all, in the real world.


Overall, this was okay. You seem to have the potential and the initiative, you just need to get a few things down first. So take up the advice you are given, and work hard to improve. Good luck.
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