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The Revelation of War, Chapter Five: Part I

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:51 pm    Post subject: The Revelation of War, Chapter Five: Part I Reply with quote

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The Revelation of War, Chapter Five: Part I
Posted by russ687 (russ687@hotmail.com)
28 September 2004, 12:54 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=russ687.09280400543112.html
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 10:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you need to watch some of those grammar and spelling mistakes; I caught a few of those. Also, work on repedetiveness; use a larger variety of details to do this.
It was a bit confusing in places, slightly hard to follow, and I was kinda in wonderment and curious of everything; I suppose that would be a good thing for this part of the story though.
Try using a bit more descriptive detail; a lot of the things I read were almost bland, okay, but could have been better.

Overall, the writing was good, so just keep an eye out for mistakes and keep up the work.
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Swift'n'Painful
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Joined: 28 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the story for the most part, but it confused me just a little when you went back to the men on the planet, and the time read 1500 hours, when right before that, the time read 1505 hours on the Melbourne, besides that it seemed to be quite a great story with a good storyline to it.
It's interesting enough where I would like to hear part II, and see how Valiant knight, Triton and the Melbourne fair against the Covie ships.
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