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Rage is There

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:21 pm    Post subject: Rage is There Reply with quote

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Rage is There
Posted by dom1 (moberly6@pacbell.net)
22 April 2005, 3:16 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dom1.0422050316011.html
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The Arbitress
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha, dead brutes.

just one comment: INDENT!

other then that, this was pretty well written. nice idea for a story, and pretty good writing.

i like the title, time is a figment of your imagination.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:44 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

Very good story except one thing.


CODE

[hr]
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, you created a problem for yourself that is easily fixable. When you don't indent, it creates what we call "The text wall of doom." It makes your piece formidable and daunting to read, and only those who REALLY want to read your stuff, will.

Next time, when you're submitting your story (or even during your writing phase) insert [indent] at the beginning of every paragraph. The code of this site will insert those indents at that point, solving your problem. So like this:

[indent]Insert witty comment here

[indent]Counter with scathing comeback.

that's all you have to do. MCC's signature has everything you need. Just click his link.

Now, your story. I have wondered about the bond between Hunters when one is killed, I was pleased you addressed that. Well done. While I was confused about the seemingly supernatural power of your Hunter (very "Carrie" like) it was well done. Be sure to nail down that Elite-speak, your torturer, while he did seem to be a very bad guy, talked more like a Brute to me. Besides, I think the Brutes would be happier with torturing prisoners (see the opening scenes of Halo 2).

You actually did a very good job of making your Elites talk like- well, Elites- which is rare to find. Well done. I do hope this continues.
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 4:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Shizzit! That's one big block of a paragraph!

Use the Code, which is under the directions for use, and you'll be fine.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Breaking up your text is very important to the readability of a story. If you have just large lumps of text, things can easily get confusing - readers will get lost in the large volume of unformatted text. And it actually is harder and more stressful to read.

To fix this, like Azreal said, you use indents. And this is done with the Code. And you can find all you need to know about within the link in my sig. So click on that and learn how to incorporate text effects and formatting tools into your stories.


I agree that your Elite did not sound like an Elite. Indeed more like a Brute would. And when using alien characters, it is a very good thing to make sure you get their personalities sounding right. Work on that for us. To see good examples of Covenant use, read some of Jillybean or Mind_Affecting_Parasite's stuff. And you could read Halo: The Flood.

I did not agree with the power you gave your Hunter. Having it do that stuff just did not fit with what we know of them. Sure, what we know is not much - but I really doubt that kind of thing could happen. If it could, why wouldn't the Covenant use it to their advantage in battle? Maybe they don't know, you say? Well, I think they know what their own can do.


Overall, this was pretty fair. Needs more detail - to be expanded and developed. So just, for your next, take up the advice you are given now and work to improve. Good luck.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If my double-speak on Elite talk was confusing...I meant that the tone of your Elite was Brute-like, but the actual words used was more intellectual than much of the Elite dialouge we get here. Good luck with your work.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile Thnks for the posts.


When i wrote about the hunter, i really meant they only had powers under extreme circumstances. I had to clarify.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Battle is an extreme circumstance. Now, while Halo does include some small fantasy elements, it is science fiction. So giving Hunters powers like that just doesn't fit. It is like you are making them supernatural. And that, I'm afraid, is not consistent with everything else. It was just not convincing enough. And I don't really see how it could be.

Stick to things that are physically possible when writing fiction. Nothing off the wall.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 10:39 pm    Post subject: Rage is There ; Mc's comment #2 Reply with quote

Confused The physics question you proposed I understand, but I explained that, to myself at least. I had written another story that went over certain 'aspects' of the Halo Series. It was on another website which, unfortunately, went defunct mere days after I had posted it. In it there was a brief coupling of the Hunters before they were in any form (as far as I can say) part of the Covenant, and then with the Nordic gods of old. The 'power' this one had was, in my opinion of having written it, drawn from some kind of heavenly gift, thing.

And about the Elite acting uncharacteristically, it was showing that they could act that way ,too.

Man, these stories tend to write themselves in the forums, eh Question
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's what the comments section is for: to ask and answer questions, and to offer opinions.


While I think drawing from a higher power is all well and good, I still cannot (I'm stubborn, by the way) see how a Hunter could do that. I mean, sure, I could picture it without a problem - I can picture just about anything if I want to. But this didn't form into something that worked.

That's good that you explained it out to yourself, but we, being normal humans (most of us, anyway Wink ) are not telepathic. Thus we cannot tell what you were thinking about your characters. You have to put it down and show us through your writing. If people have questions, and you have to explain things in a forum, you didn't achieve what you should have.

It's okay for poeple to wonder, but not for something to confuse them, or make them think - in this/my case - "Uhh... What is up with that?" Things should make sense, while still leaving mystery open if that is what you are going for/


Still, not a bad idea; but just one that doesn't seem to work in context.
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dom1
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy sorry Very Happy
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Conrad Lauf
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The action kind of didn't make sense, but still, I liked it.
Keep it up!
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dom1
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, yes, it has been a long time since I have returned to this forum. Oh how I love this. I don't want to look like a self-worshipper, but I love Hunters to a near supernatural amount. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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