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Warrior's Fate, Part 4: Forgotten One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:19 pm    Post subject: Warrior's Fate, Part 4: Forgotten One Reply with quote

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Warrior's Fate, Part 4: Forgotten One
Posted by maxx
19 April 2005, 9:26 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=maxx.0419052126495.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That first paragraph was pretty hefty; break it up so it's not a near-wall of text. Again, a formatting example, and these are by far the easiest to catch; so be sure to do so next time. Several more massive paragraphs were present in this piece.

Watch your repetition, as intially I noticed you using "clan" a lot. Things like that will stick out fairly well to a reader, so be sure to mix things up. This doesn't mean you can't use it again and again, but you have to have significant diversity in between each use.

GPS, pay attention. A few spots where you had some errors, which will again lead me to suggest proof-reading. You can't catch them all, understandibly, but you should get as close to perfection as possible.

Pretty good job with the Covenant PoV, though several spots they suddenly left character by saying conspicuously human phrases, like "booby-trap" and such. When writing in an alien PoV, you need to make certain phrases seem alien (or abnormal) to us as well; yes, you're writing in English, but that doesn't mean you can't substitute common references into a different phrase (i.e. instead of "booby-trap" you could have said "camouflaged snare" or "concealed explosive weapon"). Another example is:

Quote:
"Is that meant to be funny?" Ekha hissed sarcastically.


That is not something an Elite would say, and it's far too human of a phrase. Try something closer to "Is that intended to be facetious?"

Don't use full capitalization of a word for emphasis. That's a very novice mistake, so be sure to avoid that from now on.

Overall, good job. I enjoyed it despite the mistakes in there, and I can see your writing abilites grow in maturity. Keep up the good work, and be sure to fix these problems. Though I will state this now, if you continually fail to acknowedge the advice posted here, you'll start to get less feedback (at least from me). If an author doesn't reply to feedback like this, then it's not worth my time giving it.

-Russ
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maxx
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Joined: 22 Apr 2005
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have been reading and trying to keep in mind all feedback thus far. thanks for your input! please be assured that i appreciate and heed all advice that is offered to me. some little mistakes and issues do seem to be escaping my notice, but i think its more due to my lack of experience than lack of effort. again, my thanks.

btw, i looked over some recent stuff of your's and i must say you're pretty damn good. i think i can learn a lot about creative writing simply thru looking at some of the work posted here. i honestly think some people here are writing professional caliber stuff. pretty humbling.
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