HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

The Lost Hero

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4378

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:19 pm    Post subject: The Lost Hero Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Lost Hero
Posted by Master_Chief189 (Andrw849@aol.com)
19 April 2005, 5:23 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=master_chief.0419051723131.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bronzemage
Member


Joined: 30 Dec 2004
Posts: 100

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm..

An interesting "What if" of what would have happened if there was no survivors from Halo and no Covenant ships to captuire, but it doesn't make sense with some things.

The Longsword's fuel could never have lasted as long as you said in your story, it ws almost depleted when they got to the Ascendant Justice.

Why, if they were on the Halo system, would a UNSC ship contact them? They were hundreds of light years from anything.

You explained things a lot, which isn't too bad but sounded as like you were doing a documentary, not a fanfic.

Small GPS things were there, just watch that.

Still a good story though, and got me excited by Sam's morse message. Keep it up.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thing I noticed: lack of coding. It's not hard to use, and it makes a big difference in your work. So click on the link in my signature, and start finding out about the Code and all it can do.

This had some flow issues. The punctuation and wording could have been a lot better. The sentenses seemed to run on and present a pace that was too fast in some places, and jerky in others. To help fix this, read over things carefully after you have written them. Read them outloud, and if it sounds iffy, go in and work with it until it sounds right.

"Marine(s)" is a proper noun. Thus, it needs to be capitalized. Do that next time. And watch out for GPS - grammar, puntuation, and spelling - errors. Those are what I call, small mistakes. Things that are just that - mistakes in the writing. The best way to get rid of these is to proofread your work multiple times to find and correct them.

There were tense issues in there. Keep things all in the same tense. Don't mix past with present while narrating. That will make the writing sound off like nothine else.

Storyline detail: The Master Chief has not known Cortana since training. Actually, he only met her a day or two before the attack on Reach. So, actually, his relationship with her is constantly evolving.

This makes me wonder: have you read the Halo books? It would seem you have atleast read tFoR. But this is the same type of thing that happend in First Strike - the book of what happend between Halo 1 and 2. I would suggest you read it if you have not. It would both give you an example of writing to work off of, and give you those details.

Sam survive? Simple answer: no. Not possible. I'm sorry; but as much as I loved Sam, there is no way he could have survived. The ship blew up. The only way he might have escaped the blast would have been to get in an escape pod. And even then he probably would have been dead before anyone found him. The facts just do not make this instance seem plausible.


Overall, this was alright. It needs work, but if you listen to and use the advice you are given, I'm sure you can improve. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Michael Archer
Member


Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 6:48 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

No code.

When addressing other Spartans, you don't need to give us their numbers in parentheses. Most of us have read the books already.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is true. Now, while it is okay to include their numbers, you should only do so if you can work it into the normal text. Putting it in like you did just makes it seem out of place.

Most of us have read the books, yes. Though, sad to day, more should.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3737
Location: Sierra Hotel.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the guidelines are present; I'll assume you remember the BB code.

I'll show you how to use it.

The [INDENT] tags are used this way.

Mr. whatever looked at his wife and muttered,
[INDENT]"Blah, blah, blah."
Mrs. whatever burst into tears.
[INDENT] "Blah," she sobbed, "Blahdy blah!"

That'll prevent your story from turning into a block of solid text and make it more presentable.

The next thing is use of italics. They're certainly wonderful. If your character thinks, you can do this...

Mr. Whatever sat down and thought,
[INDENT] {i}[i]hmm....[/i]{/i}
He rose and said,
[INDENT] "Blahdy blahdy blahdy blah."

Also, the indent tags are used when typing ship names. Or locations.

"All aboard the {i}[i]U.S.S sinker![/i]{/i}"

Or, use it expressively to add emphasis.

"So, what are {i}[i]you[i]{/i} doing?"
That can add suspicion. "What are YOU doing?" rather than, "What are you doing?"

Finally, the HR tag is used to separate storylines. If you have multiple plots, or are changing chapters within issues, then it'll create a solid line of grey about a millimeter thick that will adjust itself to the screen. Neat, eh? Unlike a row of underscores, it'll adjust itself.


Finally, there's the bold and underline text. If you want to make text stand out if it's in italics already, then use bold. Or, underline titles, as well as your name if you happen to use an AN.

On the note of AN's, make sure they are well-separated from your story. use an HR if you need to.

- Dave.
_________________
SYSTEM | HBOFF Administrator | "Anytime, Baby!"

I apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. I will get to you shortly.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Conrad Lauf
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad. Not bad at all.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group