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To the Last Man Chapter Two

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:51 pm    Post subject: To the Last Man Chapter Two Reply with quote

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To the Last Man Chapter Two
Posted by John Gurule, Jr. (d3jsgurule@yahoo.com)
19 April 2005, 3:17 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.0419050317427.html
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doesn't anyone post on my stories before I do? Sheesh. . . .
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't usually like to whine, but why do my fics always get read last and/or not at all? Everyone else's, even the n00bs who post stories occasionally, get more attention than mine in the first few hours that they're on. What's up with that? I'm not an attention hog, but have you even aknowledged the fact that my stories exist at all? Sure, I'm not the best writer, but I do feel like I deserve to have my stories commented on. What's the deal? Is it because my fics only come out once in a while? What is it? {/rant}
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a good story, is that the Johnson from the game? Or another person, yeah well.

Guess what? I did get to read like the firs two paragraphs a while ago, i think my computer exited the window when i had multiple ones on and didnt get to finish it. Sorry hehe.
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mark Lieberg wrote:
Is that the Johnson from the game? Or another person, yeah well.


You're thinking of Avery Johnson. Anyway, back on topic.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, first off... when I tried to look for your story, I didn't know that you posted them under John Gurule. Jr. That threw me off.

And as for getting no reviews- I know that pain myself. Its bitter, acidic. Sorry, man.

You had plenty of details, but most of those details really didn't add much to the story. Its hard for me to explain; I've never been a really technical writer, and I do all of my work by gut-feeling (never used a thesarus in my life... you might be able to tell Very Happy ), so I can't really pinpoint your faults the way, say, Russ or MCC might: however, I'll tell you that the beginning felt rather off, and kinda hazy- the details were there, and I knew what the Sarge was doing, but all of it didn't seem to clear. (God... don't you just love it when you're so brillantly concise?)

Quote:
ohnson sat uncomfortably in the stiff unpadded blue chair parked in front of Froman's desk. It wasn't so much the chair as the topic that he and the Colonel had been discussing for the last couple of minutes or so that made him shift uneasily. He had wanted to know firsthand what had happened on the Column, which he had probably heard about in an emergency transmission Cetra had undoubtedly sent out. Johnson knew what size the fleet had been, and the fact that a transmission had been sent out would mean that the Covenant could have tracked it. The people were too unprepared. That's what unsettled him.


Alright. Here's your first paragraph. Here's the way I would've written it.

Quote:
Johnson sat before the Froman's desk, back cramping uncomfortably in the stiff unpadded chair. But the discomfort was not what made him shift so uneasily; rather, it was the topic that he and the Colonel had been discussing for the last couple of minutes. Through their conversation, in which they talked about Johnson's experiences aboard the Column, the Sergeant had been steadily more discomfoted by the ever-growing fact that this man was unexperienced, unprepared. So much so that the man had simply received a transmission all the way from the Column without checking first to see if the Covenant had tracked it down.


That's how I would've wrote it. First off, the "stiff unpadded blue chair." I thought that the detail "blue" was unnecesary. Yeah, its a detail, but it also threw off the 'flow' a little. I also thought that the whole opening paragraph was rather clumsy.

Mind you, I just wrote that re-writing out right now; so its rather rough.

Good luck, dude.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, forgot something...

the rest of your fic was much better then the opening paragraph; I liked it. Just remember that most people simply glance at that first sentence to see if the story is worth their time; I'm sure that if the opening had been of the same quality as the rest of your story, more people would've paid attention to it.

Also, when submitting... this sounds cheap and cheesy, but you might want to wait til, say, three or four days after the last update to submit your chapter, so that it might be posted on the top of the new pile of fics. Hey, better cheap then sorry Smile
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Openings are indeed important. If the reader does not get interested, then they won't continue. Now, a common mistake that we see all the time is action to suplement. However, it is plenty possible to start a story slow and still capture attention. But it has to be done right. The way Severian re-wrote that added in an element of question. That is good. If you can present some mysteries to the reader, that will provide a reason for them to keep reading. It's tricky, and takes practice, but it is very possible.


Now, as for posting: Patience. There have been many people in the past that have complained about why they don't get a lot of posts on their story. Sometimes it is because people don't recognize your title. Some people just don't recognize you. And some of those people won't read stories they are not familiar with.

Me, I usually pick at random, after I've read the series installments that I am already familiar with. This one passed me by.

But don't get discouraged. Just use the single bit of advice you get - or none if for some reason your story neglects to be posted on - and keep writing. Sometimes one chapter will just not get that many comments, but then the next will take off.


Anyway.

Yes; the flow was what got you. The details were there - most of them - but just not structured and written in a way that flowed very well. It was glitchy, and didn't present things as clearly and fluidly as they could have. So work on that this next time. Read over your work - outloud even - to find places where it sounds "off." Then go in and fix it accordingly. The more you do this, the better a sense of flow you get.

Watch that dialogue. You were not as precise and indicative as you could have been in there. That can hurt you. If you don't indicate your speaker, the reader can easily become confused.


Overall, this was pretty good. Pretty well developed. Just watch out for telling instead of showing. Keep it up. Good luck.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Archangel_7 wrote:
I don't usually like to whine, but why do my fics always get read last and/or not at all? Everyone else's, even the n00bs who post stories occasionally, get more attention than mine...


Hey, John, don't worry, man, don't worry.

Your story just happened to be farther down in the line. That's all. There isn't a particular order. Don't worry. Hey, next time you hit the form, send me an Email or a message, or both, and I'll be sure to get to it as soon as I can, okay?

- Dave.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I'll go through this bit by bit:

A word of nice poetry, or maybe a verse, or even just something is nice at the beginning. Liked the idea; reminds me of that annoying guy at the amusement park that eats the microphone (and a donut) and says,

*MASH HULLP* Pwease *MUNCH MUNCH* Keep your limbs *CHOMP* insaade d'train 't awl tahmes. *CHOMP*

I just got a stray thought when I read the opening; that was it up above.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Um. . . my dude's not the Sarge. . . He's a Lieutenant Colonel. . .
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK good, now i remember where i read this.. i read it at the Guptas Forums. I said it was a little jumpish from paragraph to paragraph..hahaha.

Maybe that why i never posted a comment here. lol.

Yeah ok so not the Sarge. I was lookingh through the comments and all you said was you reminded me its Avery which i already knew, and then i saw that you remmebered thats not what i asked so you told me.

Thanks anyways..lol
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