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The Enemy Within - Chapter Twenty-One: Lurking Shadows

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:49 pm    Post subject: The Enemy Within - Chapter Twenty-One: Lurking Shadows Reply with quote

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The Enemy Within - Chapter Twenty-One: Lurking Shadows
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite
18 April 2005, 1:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mind_affecti.04180501425921.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn good stuff. Too bad that no one seems to be commenting for this.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good addition.

One thing to consider is your Covenant terminology. While it really does enhance the writing and feel, and you've done a superb job at it, I was getting a little distracted. First off, you used "units" as a distance, and later on, the same term in reference to time. Just be careful with stuff like that.

Amazing descriptions; I believe that is by far your strongest attribute. I can always come and read your postings and with confidence go through great descriptions that paint the picture in my mind without confusion or partiality.

A few places sported some flow issues, most notably over-punctuation. Reading certain areas that may seem sketchy when you proof-read out loud will help solve that problem. Nevertheless, keep an eye out for that in the future. Also, watch out for fragmented sentences, as there were a few in there.

Quote:
A fountain of heated blood fountained onto the...


A good example of something that you should change. A thesaurus would be the ideal solution to the problem, and will help eliminate repetition.


Overall, excellent job. A strong ending too, though you had a sense of closure in there that isn't as suspenseful as some would like. I look forward to your next posting.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This didn't seem as inspired as some of your previous ones. Maybe you were having a bad day, or just didn't put as much effort as you could have into this. It was not bad, but not as good a feel as I was expecting. It didn't hurt things, however.

Repedetiveness was something in there that stuck out. Word repeated, and that "unit." Thing. I'm sure there is some way to distinguish between the two. Or maybe substitute it with another term.

Flow. In the past you have been good with it, but you still have places where it needs to be improved. Always watch your punctuation, and that vacabulary is really crutial. Choosing the right words in the right place will help.


Overall, this was good. Nothing major as a problem, and you have some of the better descriptions around here. Just keep working hard to improve the areas that you are weak in. Use the advice you are given. Keep it up, and good luck.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 11:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks SeverianofUrth, russ687, and MC's Cousin.

I apologize for not spending more time on this. Usually I spend about two weeks on a chapter. This one I only gave a few days - just had an urge to get it out. And it didn't help me any.

I looked through that and saw dozens of mistakes I could have fixed. Well, I will most certainly do through more carefully next time to get rid of those mistakes and discrepancies. I had actually gone over that unit thing in my head, but couldn't find a solution. And I like preserving the Covenant feel, and so don't like to use "minute" or "second" as time descriptors. I'll be thinking over that.


Thanks about the descriptions. That is what I work the hardest on, and what I like writing the most. I can feel the intensity of these moments, and so I try to get that down in my writing. This time round, though, I feel I could have done better. I just got a feeling of "this is flat" when reading through sections.


Thanks for reading. This will all go into making the next chapter.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sure that this is great givin the quality of your other fictions. I will get around to reading it soon.


Great job Wink

caleb
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... not bad. That was pretty good. However, you did use the title "Black Field Master" as tad too many times. It was kind of distracting. Once or twice is good enough, or once at the beginning of each paragraph if you must, but not every time to you speak of him. After a while, his name alone wil suffice..

Good Luck!
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woah. Covie Lover!

MAP...I will honestly say that I won't read this story. I only read stories that I start from the beginning. So, finish this one already and start a new one so I can get it from the ground up.

Then I can read this in its entirety.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thedarkfire wrote:
MAP...I will honestly say that I won't read this story. I only read stories that I start from the beginning. So, finish this one already and start a new one so I can get it from the ground up.


Funny, as I have a similiar stance on series as well, but only because I really don't have the time to catch up on things if I'm already more than three chapters behind.

This brings back memories of when you first started this series, MAP. Boy, that was a lifetime ago. The good 'ole days...

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I used to have a similar way of doing things, myself. If a series was more than a couple parts in, I would not read it. Well, I missed out on some. One of those series was Chuckles', and so I had to go back and check that out.

Thankfully, these days, most of the series I am familiar with. So I don't have that problem. But, even if I did, I think, now, I would read a section out of a in-progress series just to see what it was like. If it was great, I might even take time to read the previous sections.


But that was a good time ago, wasn't it. Back when the old comments section was still doing alright. Good times, indeed.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ill read it when it's done...and then resurect old threads just to comment on them. Wink
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thedarkfire: Well, I am not going to just rush this. So I hope you understand. It'll get done when it gets done. Thought I do hope you read it eventually. I like all the feedback I can get. And the more people, the better.


Yes I did write this a long time ago. Almost a year, maybe more, when I started. Actually, when I first drafted this series, I expected it to be about ten chapters. Boy was I wrong. What with all the new characters and elements I decided to add in, and how much each chapter ended up covering - turns out things are a lot longer when written. And I still have a few chapters to go. I do not, however, expect to break thirty. But, you never know.

Now I just have to work up the enthusiasm and creativity to start up with my other series. I have so many ideas. I just need to continue with it from where I left off.


Oh, and thank you Covie_Lover for the advice. I'll remember that. I just like to bring it back up at times through the passage to keep it fresh. Plus, I use it as a differet term. If I just used the Elite's name, things could get even more repedetive. But I'll keep that in mind as I write the next.
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