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The Massacre Game:Round 2: Zanzibar

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:49 pm    Post subject: The Massacre Game:Round 2: Zanzibar Reply with quote

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The Massacre Game:Round 2: Zanzibar
Posted by Crazygrunt (pkackerman@comcast.com)
17 April 2005, 9:06 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=crazygrunt.0417052106452.html
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I left a comment on the other submission you made.

So far, I wonder if you've even seen the comments page; it's not very good.

If you're going to write something, take some time. Take your time. Remember never to write all-caps unless you're doing an abbreviation.

Yep, I know, we're grammar and spelling, and story freaks here, but this is HBO; the standards aren't hard to meet with some time and effort, but if you don't make an effort to jump the bar, you're going to come up short.

I'm not going to comment on this further. Everything I wanted to say has already been said on the first episode; and judging by the most minor things, I see the comments have been ignored. Don't ignore bad comments; sure, you might'ha effed up the first, and second, and maybe even the third times, but if you take every ounce of effort in your mind and body, and throw it full out onto your work, you won't eff up again.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Mendez
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Joined: 16 Mar 2005
Posts: 89
Location: Classified

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crazygrunt,

Was this supposed to be funny? Well it's not. Not at all. I wish I had time to leave a comment but I fear that you will not even look at it. So I won't bother. But hey if you want a comment then me or Dave or MCC. Will give you one. MCC will anyway.

Well just pm me if you want help. I will do the best I can with it.

Mendez
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Ark Night
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 871
Location: Connecticut

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sucked major ass. It did, and you should not beable to write ever again, thanks to this piece of shit
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ark, I thought we had tought you better than that? Everone has room for improvement, and it is our duty to help them out. At least resist your urge to offer such negative opinions. If it was bad, say so, but not in such terms. Please, our goal is not to make the author feel as bad about their work as possible.

Anyway.

I agree with Dave that this still needs the same stuff the first chapter did. So do that for us. I won't repost what I did there, but do go check your other section out.


Overall, this was barely decent. You may have a fair idea, but MP fics can be really tricky with experience in the writing arts. So follow our advice and work to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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Wiley K.
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Joined: 24 Dec 2004
Posts: 254
Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Read something by Chuckles if you want to see how MP fics are done.

Nothing I havn't said already.

1/10
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