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The Mother of all Battles: Prologe.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:48 pm    Post subject: The Mother of all Battles: Prologe. Reply with quote

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The Mother of all Battles: Prologe.
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
15 April 2005, 5:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0415050542541.html
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Andres
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No feedback?
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, commentators come with time.

Well, I noticed some common mistakes in there; ones that you have made in the past. It's getting better, but still needs work, so be sure to proof-read a lot, as that is the only way to truely eradiacte all errors.

Set up was decent, as this is the prologue. Decriptions and details could be better, so work on that, but it wasn't bad here. Flow was off, simply due to minor errors here and there; again, proof-read.

OPORDs? I've had to make a few of those. Nice military detail there.

Overall, it was good, but you really need to eliminate those minor GPS mistakes. Content seems good, so work on on elaborating relevant details. Keep going.

-Russ
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Andres
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks russ,

Could you point out those small mistakes? It would really help me.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The small mistakes. I can't be certain to get them all, but I'll point out a few so you get the idea.

In your Title, You wrote:
The Mother of all Battles: Prologe.


Prologue is spelled wrong; a simple mistake, but especially because it's in your title you should really read over it to catch stuff like that.

Quote:
"Go holiness we will hold them here!" screamed Nayase, his personal Sangheili guard Master.


You need to put a comma between "holiness" and the continuation "we". Also, part of a flow issues, you should write "Sangheili Guard Master" with guard capitalized. As a whole, this entire segment should be a new paragraph line.

Quote:
"Nayase?!?"


Never put a "?!" together, and for that matter, never put "?!?" together. You need to pick only one puncutation mark or the other.

Quote:
"I'm awfully pissed." "Lamp of," his green reading lamp died.


Aside from that being confusing for the reader (again, a flow issue), never put two quotation marks side-by-side.


If you just look at the story, you'll see some formatting inconsistancies, such as the missing indent here and there, as well as double spacing between paragraphs in the first half but the latter half you did single spacing. You should pick one style or the other (a good example is Azrael's Cronin Protocol for double spacing and my crurrent series for single spacing).


Like I said, it's just minor stuff that's really easy to fix, but requires a sharp eye and some time. Proof-read a lot, and try your hardest to find errors like that. If I can just read thorugh it and do it, you can do.

Keep working, Andres.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see a piece by you, Andres.

Now to the story.

Do put effort into your titles. That is what the reader first sees; and if it has mistakes in it, they will think the same about your story. Give it a good look. Sure, some crappy stories have great covers, but making it appear nice will help you out.

Flow was an issue. There were places where the wording - and that GPS - just didn't lend to the moment. Part of flow is sticking with the mood and using a good vocabulary. Remember that. Always work hard to have your sentenses, paragraphs, and scenes work with everything else.

Quote:
...Nayase entered room holding his Energy sword on his right arm.

That is just an example of where you could have made the wording better. Instead of "on his right arm", "in his right hand." They hold the PS, not fasten them to their arms.

Slow things down. This story went by very quickly. Develop and expand. Describe and explain. Take time to add in descriptions and to make the most of your material. Do no simply put it down and move on. Make each section worth while.

Avoid using direct abbreviation such as "Spec. Ops." It is okay to shorten them up, but when you do, leave off the periods. Helps the flow, and just looks better.

There were small mistakes - GPS stuff - scattered throughout. Always be careful when proofreading so that you get everything worked out of a story. The small stuff will add up and have a negative impact.


Overall, this was pretty good. The plot looks like it has promise. Just work with the advice you are given, and strive to improve. Good luck.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks MCC,

Could you point oit the small mistakes too?
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Andres, we don't point out EVERY one of the little errors;

The thing is, we know you know your stuff; so small errors like that can be discounted, unless they start to drag you down. (for example, if a word is misspelled twice, the same way, or spelling errors run rampant) so rather than shove them into your face, saying, 'fix,' we leave it up to you to continually improve.

Good luck. I'll read your work as soon as possible.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would, but that is partially against my policy. Sometimes, I will point out things for example--but not every one. That gets to the point of editing out mistakes. And since this is already posted, that won't help.

What I mean by "small mistakes" are GPS errors. Things that may or may not have to do with your actual skill level. Most of them--if not all of them--are things that can be worked out with some good proofreadings. Just keep you eyes out for them. Things like mispellings, or incorrect grammar, or a misplaced comma.

In the future I'll try to remember to use more examples with your reviews, since you seem to appreciate them. That is not a bad thing, by the way. Just means you like to see exactly what to do. However, when you are writing your stories, you will need to have the skill to be able to find and fix these mistakes yourself.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My problem is, that even though I've spoken english all my life this is the first time I have axly written in a serious way.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, writing takes time. So just stick with it and keep trying. We're all here to help you. So keep working hard, and use our advice. And don't think you have to fix everything in one new chapter. Just go at your own pace - one that is comfortable. Each time, you'll get better, and get some more advice. Taking it slow to make sure you have each thing down before moving on is just fine. In fact, it is smart.

So keep it up. And good luck.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is my writing not good?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I never said that. You are progressing quite well as a writer, and have some good talent. Still, striving to be even better is not a bad thing. Almost everyone could use some improvement. And there is no limit to how good you can become.
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