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Halo: Altered Universe: Prologue: The Battle For Earth

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:48 pm    Post subject: Halo: Altered Universe: Prologue: The Battle For Earth Reply with quote

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Halo: Altered Universe: Prologue: The Battle For Earth
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher and Miss_Death (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com/gallaghers_wife@hotmail.com(I'm married, so d)
15 April 2005, 4:41 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabid_ga.0415050441401.html
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like the AN said, all of our upcoming and future will be based off this.
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Wiley K.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad...I admit I'm not always one for altered versions, but you guy's pulled it off pretty well.

One little nitpick for me: In Amber Clad is three words, not one.

overall: 7.7/10
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 6:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So Cpt Keyes is still alive......I guess...no, I cant...what he didnt do? he saved Reach then?
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, Music Fiction? Well, it's rather ingenious, since music does enhance emotion, though you've got to watch out for specifics. I put in your first link, then went to the fifth result, and ended up listening to NPR's "Homosexuality in China" report, and I have to say, it didn't ehnace the writing. Perhaps you meant fourth down?

I noticed some formidable punctuation problems in there, indicating that you need to proof-read this, and especially read it out loud. They're not always as easy to catch as spelling or grammer mistakes, but punctuation is still just as important. It directly effects the flow, and when the tempo is off, the flow is off.

Quote:
A squad of Flood combat forms awaited them. Keyes and Johnson pointed their weapons at them, then fired a burst from their weapons. Two Flood combat forms got a full burst from it into vital Flood organs, they died almost instantly as they fell to the ground. Keyes and Sergeant Johnson fired side by side as the Combat Forms surrounded them.


That paragraph could use some tweaking. The first sentence is a statement, and the second is a mere reaction to to first. You can't expect reader to be engulfed in tension or emotion if it's a "statement", then "reaction". You have to integrate both so there's suspense, and so the reader can picture the surprise or shock of the situation.

Also, using their names twice in the same paragraph generally isn't good, and seems repetative (the following paragraph uses their names even more). The last sentence is where the rest of this paragraph's problems come from; aside from their names again, all you did was set a posture for them, not describe any emotion, surroundings, tension, etc. Sentences like that really shouldn't exist, but rather you should take it and elaborate on it so the reader can see the scene.

Quote:
The Lift stopped, and Keyes ran off. Johnson walked backwards off it, firing his MA5B at the remaining Flood forms as they fell to the lift's platform. Keyes and the Sergeant reloaded as they walked backwards, firing their weapons as they finished reloaded. /1 They turned around and ran forward, the rainy jungle looked like heaven to them as they ran, trying to get out.


Back to the repitition issue, this was full of it. I would quite honestly expect this from a newbie writer, so I hope that's explanation in itself of how bad this paragraph was set up. There are so many repeats here that I won't bother to point them out; I hope you can do so yourself. You really need to blend sentences that incorperate the same action together (i.e. "The lift came to a halt and Keyes ran off, followed by Johnson who continued to fire the large MA5B at the mutations that relentlessly pursued.").

Another look at punctuation; overuse of the dot-dot-dot feature. Anytime you write "....." it looks really unprofessional. Learn proper GPS, as that is essential to a good story. Proper rules have been established over the years for a reason, so it's a good idea to follow them.

Overall, I was a little disappointed. The first seemed much better, quality wise. There wasn't much plot progression here, and throughout all the mistakes and found myself critiquing rather than simple enjoying the piece. Keep working.

-Russ
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gallagher mostly helped with the first one, He designed the plot for this one and I wrote it.....still, pretty good for a new writer, right?
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And we meant fourth down, sorry Russ.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Music fiction is not a bad idea. Heck, it will enhance the feel if done right. Me, I tend to just read. If I can't get the feeling from the words alone, then the piece still needs work. Music is just a nice addition for further enjoyment.


Quote:
Then came the crackle of bullets in the air. Keyes looked to his right and saw the Sergeant, firing MA5B rounds into the Flood group. Johnson pulled the Captain back, throwing him a Assault Rifle as he continually fired upon the Flood.

Okay. There are a couple things here I would like to address. The first is that you had just stated Keyes was backed into a corner, surrounded by Flood. But, somehow, Johnson manages to get right to the Captian in what sounds like a couple seconds, and pull him away. Then, while firing a two handed weapon, he throws Keyes an AR.

This is something to watch out for. You have to get the scene across clearly and so it makes sense. No short little summaries. Things have to make sense to work right. Some of that just didn't make all that much sense.


Descriptions. There were few in there. Imagine these scenes in your mind, and then put it down on paper. This will take practice to accomplish well, but it is very doable. Use details; and cover everything. All the senses are good. Just be practical. Having Keyes taste the Flood would be good for a horror aspect - just the intense smell in the air - but is not really something you would include a big description of. Balance, also, if key.

To help, expand and develop. Avoid using shortened sentenses, or scenes that are reduced in content. Develop them by providing us with more of those details, let us in on all that is happening. This should be a smooth-reading play-by-play narrative, not a clipped summary-like piece.


I am no expert in ranks, but weren't both Johnson and Former Captain Keyes promoted by two full ranks? That struck me as odd.


Overall, this wasn't bad for a new writer. However, it does need work. Don't take what we say negatively - we are doing it to help. Just use this advice and work hard to improve. Good luck.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 3:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For a new writer? I can understand the mistakes better now. However, since you live unusually close to ENS, have him read over it after you write to catch a lot of those easy mistakes.

-Russ
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think writing stories with music in mind is an excellent idea. I did that for most of Ghosts of Erebus. I believe that stories, like music, should have a certain pace and flow to them. Good thinking. This story has some imagination. One thing you need to watch out for is (as we always say) showing your action rather than telling it. That is, be more like a play-by-play announcer and less like a historian. For example, you wrote the following describing Keyes reaction to his promotion to Rear Admiral:
Quote:
That alone caught Keyes by surprise as Hood handed him a box, with his uniform securely wrapped in it.

Rather than telling that he is surprised show that he is surprised. You might do it like this:
Quote:
Only years of military stoicism kept Keyes’ mouth from dropping open as Hood handed him a box containing his new uniform.

There are plenty of ways to show that he is surprised--that is one, and I bet you could think of a lot more.

So this is you first fic? Nice job. Hope to see more from you soon.

C.T. Clown
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was OK. Nothing like what I expected. The music idea was good, ingenius. 7/10
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The music fiction was a stroke of genius, although I only got it to work just now Smile .

Otherwise, it was a pretty good job. Just the show, don't tell thing took away a little bit from the story. 7.96783489/10
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The Arbitress
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

personally, i think the music part of it takes out of the flow badly. when you get to a part with the music, you have to scroll up and find the link, then type it in, and etc. just kind of kills the flow.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

However, although there ARE good parts, there are some negatives. I'll pick out the less conspicuous ones. I know you guys don't like me to shove stuff in your face. (And, neither do I, so it works both ways, smiley smiley.)

Quote:
silently didn't scream but he wanted to


Uughn... Yep, that's one of those. They look great on paper, but when you read them aloud, they sound awful. The idea is, be sure to read stuff aloud; it helps catch those glitches.

Flow is kind of sketchy; remember to read aloud; that's one of the most important parts of it. Every simple sentence added is like a stop and start. Remember the old telegraphs?

dear whatever STOP
ive got your message STOP the only problem is HALFSTOP is that there is no damn punctuation STOP

Every time I read one of those 'STOP's it takes away from the sample letter above; that's the problem. I'm obviously exaggerating, so that's that on that. Oooh. Interesting use of that.

Anyhow, onto the next.



Quote:
It went down faster than it should, it practically zoomed down as Johnson and Keyes shot up,


Another glitch. It sounds unprofessional; it should. Now, if you're doing a storytelling theme, that's okay; but for stuff like this, it doesn't hold together well. Remember that 'went' is very general. Be specific, and include not just how Johnson and Keyes move, but feel.

The lift dropped out beneath their feet, careening down the elevator shaft. Keyes felt his stomach slide up into his chest as the lift plummetted into the depths of the installation.

That's a double-purpose; not only does careen sound more 'action like' it's implying that the elevator not only WENT down, but it 'dropped out from beneath their feet.'


The action scenes don't hold up; that's the problem with not having proper flow and specific diction. Aside from that, I can see you've got potential. Great use of the code, and excellent dialogue. The dialogue formatting is flawless; excellent on that.

So, now all that remains is time; and practice. Good luck on the next issue.

- Dave.
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