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John H: Prolog

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:32 pm    Post subject: John H: Prolog Reply with quote

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John H: Prolog
Posted by WarriorPoet (corbanyoung@yahoo.com)
14 April 2005, 1:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=warriorpoet.0414050142041.html
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kudos for kinda using the code. Indents would have been preferrable, but at least you spaced between paragraphs.

I noticed a LOT of grammar and spelling problems in this. You seem to have problems with what are known as commonly confused words (aloud, allowed; mettle, medal, metal) work on those.

The story itself is somewhat off-key. For instance, you have a defensive orbital platform, named after a familiar Haloverse ship, around Jupiter. I for one haven't heard of defense stations around Jupiter, and there's a reason for that. Covenant slip-space technology means they can park wherever they want. I highly doubt they'd come out of safety and attack space stations that otherwise would have posed no threat.
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Thor666
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Joined: 04 Apr 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the story but i got to go with mainevent on the whole risking your ass for nothing thing.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm. Before you write, get all your facts.

You can find everything about the Halo Timeline here http://halosm.bungie.org/story/halostory.timeline.html

Yes, there were tons of GPS errors here. You need to slow down and proof-read; there is no use writing and posting it somewhere public for others to read if you won't take the time yourself to make sure it's written correctly.

Your descriptions seem immature. The use of paranthesis is, in my opinion, wrong and creates a block in the flow, where the reader goes from seeing the story in their mind to simply reading a block of text. Also, you make weak references that make you, the author, sound unintelligent (I am not insulting you, just giving you the facts of how this comes off to a reader).

Also, you need to learn a little more on formatting. While you did break up your paragraphs, you must also break off your dialogue from the narrative. If you don't, you will compose massive paragraphs that are daunting to the eyes.

Don't emphasize words by using all capitalized letters (i.e. "NOO!"). Full caps is reserved for acrynoms; seems as if a lot of people are doing this, and it's not correct. Also, don't use dashes for studdering (i.e "h-h-he...). Discribe it, don't just try and throw it in there. It will come off clearer to the reader and make your text look a lot better.

Finally, don't use AN's (author notes). If you honestly want a long explanation, PM me.

Work on details, clean up the flow a little more, and fix the problems outlined above. Overall it was decent, but I'm not too impressed, especially since you wrote this and posted with incomplete information and with inappropriate references in it. Keep working on this.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ANs (Author's Notes). There are very few exceptions that I will accept. One would be letting us know this is a sequel to something else, or a prequel. This, however, was not. The other exception that is at least okay in my mind would be giving credit to someone/something. But, if you do that, please do it at the end of a story. That way, like in a movie, we can skip the credits at the end.


If you want a story to look good, you must - must, not an option - proofread your work. That means going over the text multiple times to weed out mistakes as well as expand and develop. The more time and effort you put into your stories, the more quality will show. People notice, and people like a well written story.

You want to know when the invasion of Earth happened? Just look at the date that comes up when you first see the Cairo station. Simple as that. It is important to have your facts straight before trying to write a story.

The word "Grunt" is a proper noun. Thus, it should be capitalized. Do this. It is important.

"Mox" is not an Elite name. They don't just have funk names that don't sound human (besides, Mox sounde like Max), they have pretty distinctive titles. Zuka 'Zamamee is an example. That is from Halo: The Flood - you know, one of the Halo books? Well, you should read them. They will greatly increase your knowledge of the Halo-verse.

I doubt that an Elite would randomly take a human prisoner. Not part of their personality. They would kill it unless it was of some worth - like if it was a high ranking officer or a Spartan. And even then it is not always done. So use those kinds of situations with discretion.


Overall, this was okay. The plot is not really original or earth-shaking - be creative. To help with your writing, just listen to the advice you are given and work hard to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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Wiley K.
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Joined: 24 Dec 2004
Posts: 254
Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nothing remains to be said. It wasn't actually all that bad. Just work on what these people tell you and this could be a good series(Or, you can simply start a new one keeping all our advice in mind.)

5/10
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You and your Global Positioning System Russ. Get out!

jk.

Yea, I like all others noticed many many many spelling and grammatical errors. I for one still suck with grammar, but nevertheless i'm improving. Anyways enough about me, why would a Sargent and say a Private open fire upon the group of Covenant, especially when there is a gold Elite apparently and two other Elites, including three jackals and a group of Grunts.

Two marines vs. All of them is rather suicide. The MC might be able to handle them from a distance, but close combat. He's as dead as any other marine trying to attack them. Fix that.

Wiley was a bit harsh with his grading scale, so i'll be a bit nicer with mine, work on this alot.

6.3/10

You get a D, instead of an F.
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Wiley K.
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Joined: 24 Dec 2004
Posts: 254
Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, a 5/10 is average. Only when i go below 4 am I calling it less than that.
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:36 am    Post subject: story Reply with quote

Some spelling mistakes. Most common one was "dye".

I don't know. Pretty brutal, and you seemed to use lots of parentheses.

Story line was great, but you need to loosen up a bit.
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LordsFire
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Joined: 28 Dec 2004
Posts: 45
Location: Da U.P.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

On story interest, I'd rate it 4/5 for the scale I use on Halo fanfic.

For grammar and spelling, I'd rate you 2/5.

Everyone else has already commented on most of your mistakes; just proofread and your story will be much more readable. I just wanted to say, even though it is kind of hard to read, I still liked your story.
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