HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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PFC Ryn S. Goodrich
Posted by Cottrelli (nick_cottrelli@hotmail.com)
13 April 2005, 9:34 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cottrelli.0413052134331.html

[MC's Cousin]

Your title. I'm not along the lines of thinking as to where every title has to be symbolic and not directly referencing to the plot. However, I do still like a title that is not as straight forward as yours is. It states a person's name. That't it. Is this a biography? I think not. Even if it is a poem, a title should be special. So always put some effort into your title.

You don't have to tell us that you decided to use pucntuation. That much is apparent. That kind of note, I think, disrupts from things. Especially if it is of that kind of subject matter.


Overall, this was pretty good. Good theme, fair flow, fair rhyming - pretty good. Keep working towards perfecting and working emotion into your poems; we need a good poet around here.
_________________
-MCC

[Cottrelli]

yea, i messed up on the title, and the little note at the end...whoops

[thedarkfire]

Pretty good aside from that note in the end. (how could you! )

No major complaints. Nice use of rhyme.

[Cottrelli]

lol, thanks

[SYSTEM]

Yep, Cott, be sure that the title is more symbolic than informative. Several titles have been made 'informatively,' and they generally take away from the general feel.

It isn't nice to read a story about a battle in Los Angelas titled, "teh bttle 4 los angelasss! w00t!1!" (All those are intentional mistakes.)

So remember, use light, easy symbolism when considering a title.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[Nick Kang]

I thought it was pretty good. If you write a poem, make sure it has deep emotional grasp to it, so the reader leaves it feeling that it was an actual story.
Other than that, keep it up.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

[Chuckles]

Another good poem. I liked the title myself. In poetry it is more about working or not working than about right or wrong. In other words, if it works you did it right, if you it doesn't you did it wrong--no matter what the "rules" are supposed to be. I think that the title worked. It was informative, but no too informative. It placed a center (albeit a shadowy one) in a poem that may have, in the eyes of many readers, otherwise floated away. That little bit of information puts more muscle on the intent of your lines. Now, if that's not what you wanted, then the title was a mistake. Otherwise, I think it worked quite well.

C.T. Clown

[MC's Cousin]

I didn't have that big a problem with the title, I simply thought it could have related to the story more. Sure, one could reasonably assume that the poem was about the person in the title, but there was no real reference in the poem itself. I just didn't think it fit.
_________________
-MCC

[SYSTEM]

The thing is, there are fewer rules in Poetry.

Many grammatical rules don't apply, and in very rare cases, spelling rules can be bent or broken. Shel Silverstein did this many times; and it added a nice crazy touch to his works. Really funny. He once said, "The Corner stores are all out of Brocolli. Locolli." That cracked me up.

Yep, since many Grammatical rules don't apply, and can be bent or broken at will, there's more room for flexibility. But there's much more room for stalling, error, or confusing the readers.

Yet there's another problem; Poetry's more about how you FEEL.

I'd reccomend everyone to read "A poet's Advice to Students," by E. E. Cummings. Although it's only two paragraphs long, it's inspirational and can give a new outlook on poetry.

Poetry's not just a rhyme; it's a written form of passion. Painting, music, (so long as it's music that takes talent and it's forceful) are all forms of passion displayed.

Basically, we're telling you, 'Now would be a good time to get the %@&! out, man!"

Good luck on the next one; I'll be waiting.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[Phædrus]

Here's an example of a poem you might find interesting:

[i]Silk whisperings of knife on stone
Due sacrifice and my meat came.
Carressing whispers, then my own
Choice among leaps by leaping flame.

What shape is space? Space will put on
The shape of any cat. Know this:
My servant Schrodinger is gone
Before me to prepare a place.

Dead or alive? The case defies
All questions, let the lid be locked.
Truth, from your little beady eyes,
Is hidden; I will not be mocked.

Quantum Mechanics has no place
For what's there without observation.
Classical Physics cannot trace
Spontaneous disentegration.

If the box holds a living cat
No scientist on Earth can tell.
But I'll be waiting; sleek and fat.
Verily all will no be well.

It, to the peril of your souls,
You think me gone, know that this house
Is mine, that kittens by mouse holes
Who have never seen a mouse.

[Michael Archer]

Very good. That's all I can say. Very good.

[Cottrelli]

the title was meant to more meaningfully connect the reader to the soldier who dies in the poem by showing he just wasnt some anonymous grunt **pun not intended** and yes, i did mistake the spelling, it was supposed to be Ryan