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Seven Days:Part Three of Seven
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:31 pm    Post subject: Seven Days:Part Three of Seven Reply with quote

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Seven Days:Part Three of Seven
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
12 April 2005, 2:26 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0412051426004.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some of the details were a bit repedetive in places. Like, towards the beginning, when you were describing the chips, you repeated "greasy" and "chip" - in one way or another - a bit more than was good. It stood out to me. So just watch out for that kind of thing.

Can't say I follow the story line completely - mostly, but not fully.


Overall, this was a good chapter. Interesting, the material. I'll be looking forward to when you continue this. Good luck.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Some of the details were a bit repedetive in places. Like, towards the beginning, when you were describing the chips, you repeated "greasy" and "chip" - in one way or another - a bit more than was good. It stood out to me. So just watch out for that kind of thing.

Can't say I follow the story line completely - mostly, but not fully.


Damn. Gotta watch out for that. And I'll have to concentrate on clearing up any confusion next time. Thanks, MCC.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall, it was good, and quite interesting.

You wrote:
Hell; maybe God existed, maybe He didn't, but Mary thought that it all didn't matter when the food was so good and the kids were so happy and the air was so clean and- so damn good, all of this, all of this sand and the stars and the moon, this freedom, this heaven, and so, who cared about lives after death?


That is one freaking long sentence, with far too many commas. This is an example of a flow deficiency, as it contains run-ons that throw off the beat of the reader. Keep an eye out for stuff like this.

A few spots you had similar things as noted above, specifically the over use of commas. While I still enjoyed the detail, it detracts from the flow. On that note, your detail and emotions are good; just watch out for proper punctuation to keep the flow on key. A few places you had some word-placement issues. Be careful as that, yet again, affects the flow.

Quote:
Hmph.


I don't believe there is any real technicality outlined in some reference book, but it would be a lot better to describe her verbal reactions rather than do the phonetic thing. Looks far more professional and somehow keeps the feel of the story intact better.

Quote:
She shivered, and Katsuo held her tight, lending his warmth to hers. Mary leaned her head against his mammoth chest, smelled the mingling scent of lotion and sweat, and thought again that for all its supposed beauty, heaven couldn't compare with the sense of contentment that now lay here.


I liked that a lot. Excellent.


The ending was strong, I really enjoyed it, but then you followed up with an AN. You know my stance on AN's, so I'll let it be. So the series is on hold? I hope you will continue, because even though you give an ending perspective at this point in the plot, a lot is still left unwritten.

I don't believe this was a disastor plot, or a dead-end one, etc. (if that was what you meant). Once you get the fire going again, promise me you'll finish this.

-Russ
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be brutally unhonest, I hated it.

...no, I didn't just say that. Read it over again.

Just to note, this was a perfect story to read to Stairway to Heaven, it just felt right... that was, until, they all started to get chopped up into itty-bitty pieces.

I thought that part went a little fast and could've been stretched out more, but I enjoyed the story. I'm desperately finding myself wondering what's going on and I'm then find myself trying to piece the story together. So far, it's been inconclusive. Very Happy

Whatever you do, don't cancel out on this.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, guys. I'll have to work on all of the above, there- sorry bout them.

I like the plot. I really do. And I know where I want to go with this- its just that when I start writing it down, I fall apart. So, it might just be cowardice on my part, but I'm going to improve my skills more before continuing- because the ending for this is pretty damn big. I planned this story to be small at the start, and slowly building up until its giant at the end, like a funnel cone.

Again, thanks, Russ and Cold.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see the tie in with each story. But no longer do I see a logical order. If this is on purpose to create confusion, it's working.

Just work on what the the others said. Too bad your halting this for a while. I really want more.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me be one more in the chorus, telling you to continue this story. You've got all the tools, and your purpose is clear, why not follow through with it?

Anyway, the part Russ highlighted before that he liked was excellent. One of the best snippets I've read in fan fiction. Top notch.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 1:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good, although I did not like it as much as the first two. You did not seem to hit the groove that you did with the previous chapters but still, this was some pretty good writing. Heck, some parts of it were brilliant.

Since you were saying something about quitting this one, I'll tell you what I thought when I saw the first installment of your series. I thought, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Or more precisely, why didn't I think of it first. Seven horrific first-person tales from a dead man spun over seven days? Wonderful idea. If I had time to do guest episodes of anything I'd beg you to let me fill in one or two of these. But, alas, I do not have that kind of time--and besides, this is your baby. I do not think that this series was a disaster. If you have to take your time, take it. But I'm sure we would all love to see you make it to Seven.

C.T. Clown
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done as always, and like others mentioned the ending was strong which i liked.

It all seemed so normal and perfect until suddenly BAM! they're all sent to Hell.

its like "What the FACK?!"

otherwise unlike Cold, who hated it. I enjoyed, i really hope that once you hone your skills to a desired level you continue and finish this series. With another few chapters or an Epilogue maybe.

I won't give you a story grade, granted that you're a veteran here at HBO. So there. Otherwise i'd give you one.
~Shadow
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not saying this to undermine MCC's Authority, but I will say, Hey, man, let's think outside the box.

Sev's a pretty seasoned Author, and I think perhaps he could be attempting a new stylistic device I've also been working on; Repetitive Detail; I normally use this very subtly; it's most prevalent in epsiode two of TFMCBG, and I think Sev could be using it more overtly than I've ever dared to; a very bold gesture, if it's for a repetitive detail expression.

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is a difference between stylistic devices and repedetiveness (in the bad sense). That repetition did not help out the story. It did not seem to be emphasizing anything. And if it was supposed to, it should have been done with varying terms. That would have maintained flow. I have no problem with stylistic detail repeats; but I do with term repeats.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadow wrote:
otherwise unlike Cold, who hated it.


Uh... what? Perhaps you should read my comment over again, buddy. Read before you type.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I should really listen to what I just said. Pretty ironic. Were you going along with what I said by saying "To be brutally unhonest..."?
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My apologies Cold.
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