HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Seven Days:Part Three of Seven
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
12 April 2005, 2:26 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0412051426004.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Some of the details were a bit repedetive in places. Like, towards the beginning, when you were describing the chips, you repeated "greasy" and "chip" - in one way or another - a bit more than was good. It stood out to me. So just watch out for that kind of thing.

Can't say I follow the story line completely - mostly, but not fully.

Overall, this was a good chapter. Interesting, the material. I'll be looking forward to when you continue this. Good luck.
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-MCC

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:20 pm Post subject:

russ687 · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:45 pm Post subject:

Overall, it was good, and quite interesting.

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:44 am Post subject:

To be brutally unhonest, I hated it.

...no, I didn't just say that. Read it over again.

Just to note, this was a perfect story to read to Stairway to Heaven, it just felt right... that was, until, they all started to get chopped up into itty-bitty pieces.

I thought that part went a little fast and could've been stretched out more, but I enjoyed the story. I'm desperately finding myself wondering what's going on and I'm then find myself trying to piece the story together. So far, it's been inconclusive. Very Happy

Whatever you do, don't cancel out on this.

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:30 pm Post subject:

Thanks, guys. I'll have to work on all of the above, there- sorry bout them.

I like the plot. I really do. And I know where I want to go with this- its just that when I start writing it down, I fall apart. So, it might just be cowardice on my part, but I'm going to improve my skills more before continuing- because the ending for this is pretty damn big. I planned this story to be small at the start, and slowly building up until its giant at the end, like a funnel cone.

Again, thanks, Russ and Cold.

thedarkfire · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:34 pm Post subject:

I see the tie in with each story. But no longer do I see a logical order. If this is on purpose to create confusion, it's working.

Just work on what the the others said. Too bad your halting this for a while. I really want more.

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

Let me be one more in the chorus, telling you to continue this story. You've got all the tools, and your purpose is clear, why not follow through with it?

Anyway, the part Russ highlighted before that he liked was excellent. One of the best snippets I've read in fan fiction. Top notch.
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.

Chuckles · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 1:33 pm Post subject:

This was good, although I did not like it as much as the first two. You did not seem to hit the groove that you did with the previous chapters but still, this was some pretty good writing. Heck, some parts of it were brilliant.

Since you were saying something about quitting this one, I'll tell you what I thought when I saw the first installment of your series. I thought, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Or more precisely, why didn't I think of it first. Seven horrific first-person tales from a dead man spun over seven days? Wonderful idea. If I had time to do guest episodes of anything I'd beg you to let me fill in one or two of these. But, alas, I do not have that kind of time--and besides, this is your baby. I do not think that this series was a disaster. If you have to take your time, take it. But I'm sure we would all love to see you make it to Seven.

C.T. Clown

Guardian · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:54 pm Post subject:

Well done as always, and like others mentioned the ending was strong which i liked.

It all seemed so normal and perfect until suddenly BAM! they're all sent to Hell.

its like "What the FACK?!"

otherwise unlike Cold, who hated it. I enjoyed, i really hope that once you hone your skills to a desired level you continue and finish this series. With another few chapters or an Epilogue maybe.

I won't give you a story grade, granted that you're a veteran here at HBO. So there. Otherwise i'd give you one.
~Shadow

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 7:03 pm Post subject:

I'm not saying this to undermine MCC's Authority, but I will say, Hey, man, let's think outside the box.

Sev's a pretty seasoned Author, and I think perhaps he could be attempting a new stylistic device I've also been working on; Repetitive Detail; I normally use this very subtly; it's most prevalent in epsiode two of TFMCBG, and I think Sev could be using it more overtly than I've ever dared to; a very bold gesture, if it's for a repetitive detail expression.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

There is a difference between stylistic devices and repedetiveness (in the bad sense). That repetition did not help out the story. It did not seem to be emphasizing anything. And if it was supposed to, it should have been done with varying terms. That would have maintained flow. I have no problem with stylistic detail repeats; but I do with term repeats.
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-MCC

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:13 am Post subject:

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:29 am Post subject:

Wow, I should really listen to what I just said. Pretty ironic. Were you going along with what I said by saying "To be brutally unhonest..."?

Guardian · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject:

My apologies Cold.