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Seven Days:Apotrops

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:31 pm    Post subject: Seven Days:Apotrops Reply with quote

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Seven Days:Apotrops
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
12 April 2005, 2:22 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0412051422333.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose it is just your style to do the "----" instead of horizontal rule. But, I do think the hr looks better.

I could not get a picture of the setting in my head. There were very few environmental details. Perhaps this was not a focus, bu I should have still been able to picture the local of your characters. The mood, too. While it was not entirely mute, it could have been set stronger, enhancing the feeling this story had attached to it. I thought things could have been just that much more powerful.


Overall, this was good. I liked it. Sorry to hear you'll be putting this on hold, but I would advise work on one series at a time. Keep up the good work - on whatever series it may be.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
could not get a picture of the setting in my head. There were very few environmental details. Perhaps this was not a focus, bu I should have still been able to picture the local of your characters. The mood, too. While it was not entirely mute, it could have been set stronger, enhancing the feeling this story had attached to it. I thought things could have been just that much more powerful.


I usually sketch out my surroudings- not for any good reason, just because I enjoy doodling and its good to have something to doodle about. I tried to go for this 'deep, dark, dank, damp, asteroid mining camp' feel, but in the middle got confused with 'sterile, white, lab-rat' feel, and the result must have been that. I'll work on that.

The mood? Hmm... Can you (or anyone else) tell me how to work on that?

Thanks as always, MCC.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Emotion always helps when it comes to mood.

I also saw little of the setting, what I did see was guards wearing masks and pain.

....Red Faction! yea! That's what this reminds me of. Ever play that game?

I'm feeling a little stressed or I could have come up with more...I think.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, as always. As for surroundings, I don't know why, I just imagined a more mental institution-like building filled with prisoners instead of insane people. There could've been more description about that, but it's fine.

I liked the scheme the prisoners were brewing, and how they communicated. I could clearly see all these men in orange suits (I don't know if they were orange, that's just how I imagined them) tapping spoons on a table in order to communicate--I really enjoyed that part.

Anyways, not bad. I'll guess I'll have to look forward to Invasion of the NOOBs now.

But first, onto the next chapter! Or story. Whichever it is.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mood can be set in a few different ways. Combined, it is the feeling the reader gets while reading created by the use of the elements. Let me make a brief list:
    Setting: Now, I will take this place to also go on about the whole description bit. I got a fair picture, but you didn't have all that many details describing your surroundings. Nothing to tell me how dull or bright the walls were, how their feet sounded as they were forced to march through the corrodors, not much mention of the lighting conditions. All three of those things could have been used to instil a mood.
    The wall color would have been presented in a way that could have been outwardly colored neutrally, but the way it is described brings about a specific feeling. You can have them white, but then make them sound shadowy, or tinged red from the atmosphere, or splotched with blood in some places.
    The marching sounds could have emphasized their condition, and put the reader more into their place, made them feel the despair and loneliness - or whatever you wanted them to feel. Diction has a big part in this, but Ill get to that later.
    The lighting really plays a part. If you walk into a room and it is brightly lit, you don't usually think dark and dreery. However, if you add a sort of shadowy atmosphere to the scene, things get darker. Sometimes in these cases you go beyond the presented lighting, and to how it looks to the character.

    Diction. This plays an ernormous role in setting a mood. If you use all positive connotations, you can have your setting be a dark and extremely filthy dungeon, but not get all that terrible a mood going. However, if you use words with negative or dark connotations, words that lend themselves to the moment you are presenting, the mood with be much more firmy set in your favor, and have a strong impact. Though you have to be careful to keep things consistent. Of course, then you can get into all sorts of connotative irony, but I won't go there now.

    How the story is presented to the reader is also important. You did onkay here. You presented it from the PoV of a prisoner, which was a good move to set things from his view of things. Since you are conveying your plot through a person, you can twist it with their opinions and view points to better have the mood fit what you want.



Does that help? If it does, or if it doesn't, feel free to ask more questions. I'm always open to them.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah. I see. Thanks, MCC. Now onto making sure my next story had all those things...

Thanks, Dark. And I never played Red Faction, but I -have- read the Polar Express, the subtly veiled communist santaclaus propaganda, so I think I know what you're talking about Smile .

Thanks, Cold. I liked the spoon-code, too. Ripped it a little from Koestler's "Darkness at Noon," though. They had a 'quadratic' code tehre, where they tapped on steel piples with their fingers to communicate.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great job. I thought that your setting was good--most importantly you made me feel the fear of the shock-prods and hellwips. Your storytelling took me right in, completely selling me on the hopelessness and isolation of your cruel prison. Very nice. I was a bit confused by the ending, but I assume it will be clearer when (if?) you post the next chapter.

I hope you continue, but no pressure Wink

C.T. Clown
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