HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

The Massacre Game: Round 1: Headlong

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:30 pm    Post subject: The Massacre Game: Round 1: Headlong Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Massacre Game: Round 1: Headlong
Posted by CrazyGrunt (pkackerman@comcast.com)
11 April 2005, 7:42 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=crazygrunt.0411051942181.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Coding. It wasn't in there. And it would have made a big difference. Just click the link in my sig to find out more.

This didn't come across as being very professional. I don't care if it is a MultiPlayer fic or not, it should still have a professional feel to it. That means it needs well developed characters, decent and "it makes sense" speech, a plot of some kind, etc. Even if you just have some players going through and killing each other, it can still be a good story that sounds nice.

Detail. Use more of it. You used some generalizations in there, like "it exploded, killing him." Wow, so explicit. Describe things, don't just tell us like that. In your writing, you can make a story as realistic as possible. Because the game is not all that realistic to detail.

Slow things down. Expand and develop things for us. There was very little of that. Things went by really quickly. One person died, then the next, then the next. No time in between. A story is not just action.


Overall, this was decent. But it needs a good deal of work. So listen to the adivice you are given, and work hard to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my Lord...

1. Capitalize "Spartan" as that is a proper noun.
2. AIM HERE? Oh boy. Try just "Aim Here," as full capitalization infers to an acrynom.
3. Formatting, how does that sound? Perhaps use it, and maybe with that use the CODE.
4. Don't use full capitalization for emphasis! Use italics.
5. Comedy? Far from it, even if that was your intention. And the whole 'blue thing' landing on the head was a complete rip-off from RvB.
6. "Then, BOOM!" ? Discriptions, use them. I can picture nothing from a two word sentence.
7. "OMG" and "WTF" are complete disgraces to writing. Never use those again.
8. Hmm, so "FVCK" is okay, but you can say "bitch". I've never been a big supporter of double-standards.

Oh God, I could go on forever. I honestly have nothing positive to say about this. It was pointless, poorly written, not funny, and was very disinteresting. You need to slow down (a lot) and devise a plot, then you need to exercise proper writing skills, and then after that you need to proof-read a lot. I have not seen a complete mess like this in a while, so clean your writing up, get organized, and try again.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wiley K.
Member


Joined: 24 Dec 2004
Posts: 254
Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*yawn*

Thanks, the blinding pain from just having my wisdom teeth removed was alleviated by the sleep brought on by your "story".

Coding, plot, GPS, style, cohesion, details, tone of voice, the English language, and anything resembling useage of 1st grade grammar are just some of the things missing here.


Your "players" were extremly...special(as not to offend anyone here) and, apparently, have NO IDEA how to play HALO 2(I'm assuming all this is is an attempt to write about some random LIVE game that happened 4 months ago...where the players(apparently) were n00bs to begin with, and then you completly forgot all the events of the game so you just guessed at what happened, thereby making them seem more n00bish.)

Even though it is a FFA slayer match, your guys lacked any semblence of strategy. Why would someone get OUT of a tank to pick up ANYTHING? Nothing short of a pair of Scarab Guns would make me leave a tank while snipers are everywhere. Also, who in their right mind would try to take on a tank with a shottie? Consult MasterSushi before trying to figure out how someone would kill a tank.

Another thing...who are your characters? Why are they here? Why do they lack any semblance of military knowledge? Why are their names so stupid? Why do they hate each other so?

Read something by Chuckles before you ever, EVER try to do MPFF again.

Somewhere, a Clown is crying

0/10
boo
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ark Night
Member


Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 871
Location: Connecticut

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Crap... That is all I have to say. Not really, but still. In the best I can say, this story was crap. I am not going to "candy-coat" it, so deal with it. This was not even close to professional, and it was terrible on my eyes. Next time you write a fan fic, if you ever do, use the Code, and get someone else to proofread it. God this was terrible.
Score- 0/10
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An extreme negative. Before we discuss anything, you'd better start reading before you even THINK about writing.

Plot. A story needs plot. If you haven't got a plot, the story is nothing but words and actions. This plot is worse than 'stock.' In fact, calling it 'stock' would have elevated it fifteen notches.

Action. Forget it entirely. It may be important to today's violence-crazed youth, but it's frowned upon here when in excessive amounts.

Setting. You're going to need a place to put your plot. So far, there's no such plot here.

I could go on, but I think you'd better go back to kindergarten and start again. I'm not going to waste my breath anymore.

So you fell; now instead of giving you a cheesey line about getting back up again, I'm going to say, "crawl to English class, and pay some bloody real attention."

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I'm not gonna get all harsh on you, since everyone can get better.

1. Use the Code. Along with proper formatting, your stories could be much easier to read with it.
2. Do not put names in all caps. It disrupted the flow of the story, and also made it seem that the person was running.
3. It's okay to swear around here. You do not need to turn fuck into fvck. Also, someone cannot say 'WTF' or 'OMG.' Write it out, so we understand better.
4. As far as I can tell, the beginning was just a huge game of cat and mouse. First person dies, first person's killer gets killed, etc. Do not do this, as it makes the story too predictable.
5. The parts that weren't cat and mouse were fairly hard to understand. Try to clarify things a bit more.

Don't get discouraged. I wasn't writing much better than you when I joined, and I'm a lot better now.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Recent Flood Victim
Member


Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 51
Location: A place where Rednecks run wild, and liberals are prey

PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Umm...yea...I have nothing to say to this. Just to people who in the future plan to make a Multiplayer story. DONT!!!! Please, it's funny when RvB does it because its a movie. But you have to be very talented to write it in story form.

Oh and to Wiley K.-Clowns cry all the time. Because their 50 year old pedifiles trying to get jiggy with some 5 year old. They cry because their life sucks and their alcoholics.

But yea...0/10
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uhhh...I wouldn't say that to Chuckles if I were you, RFV...

But another thing I noticed when I read this, you didn't really put any battle detail into it. While some people illustrate battle very well, and others don't, you should at least add something a little more than, "He shot AIM HERE and AIM HERE died."
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 1:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm....I won't bother.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group