HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Tribunal By Fire: Prologue: The Beginning of the Inter-Dimension Alliance
Posted by (ENS) Rabid(The Shizzle)Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
11 April 2005, 2:32 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabidthe.0411051432041.html

[Miss_Death]

Just to let you know, Gallagher forgot to put my name in there.

[thedarkfire]

Grammar problems I definatly noticed.

Most namely, instead of using "A" before an word beginning with a vowel, you are supposed to use "an".

I like the plot but flow had some minor issues, nothing worth pointing out.

Damn good job mate.

[Miss_Death]

Mates, Darky, mates.

[thedarkfire]

Whoops. Forgot you co-wrote this.

[Archangel_7]

Nice job, a few grammatical mistakes here and there but onthing that noticeable and nothring really bad. Jackals eating Brutes. . . hehe.. . .
_________________
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

--Hunter S. Thompson

[Miss_Death]

Thank you, but this is just a prolouge, we're getting this up and running soon.

[russ687]

You know about not using AN's, but you did anyways. Avoid doing this (especially since you know). Really, the only time you should put anything that resembles an AN is if you took material from another story or piece, then you should reference it at the top. But big long thank-you's generally aren't needed, as in about one week they will mean nothing to the future readers of this.

I was noticing some flow issues there, probably in the form of repedativeness. Be sure to reread what you write, and pick out areas that seem to repeat themselves. A reader doesn't need to be reinformed of the material (only in a speech should you recap things), so try not to emphasize things be restating them.

[MC's Cousin]

Ooh. Watch those long titles. They have that nasty tendency to get cut off.


Russ covered a bunch here, and I'll first agree with everything he said. Even still, I must add my own opinions.

Stargate. Well, I do love SG-1, myself. Love it. Don't have the time to watch much of it any more, but I still do love to check it out when I find the time. Hoepfully, this will do justice to that series.


Repedetiveness in detail. One was the names. While we do know the SG-1 crew by a certain name, it is not a good idea to only use that one name in your narrative. The term gets repedetive, and starts standing out to the eye. And this disrupts the flow of the writing. You have a lot to work with here. All of these characters have more than one name they can go by. Ranks and such. With Teal'c, you can just call him a Jaffa. He is the one that proves limiting.

Whenever you do thoughts, put them in italics. It makes them stand out more, which while usually is a bad thing, is what you want when having a blurb of conscious thought in the text. It is similar to dialogue, just not as distinct.

I saw a lot of telling in there besides just the use of parentheses. When you are in narrative, try to describe more. You had some fair explenations, but they didn't lend themselves to the flow of the text. Choose your wording and structure carefully.

Here's an example of repedetiveness and telling instead of showing:

[Wiley K.]

Well, I know next-to-nothing about Stargate, so I had a little bit of trouble understanding some things. Could you possibly explain them a bit better in future chapters?

One part confused me. The scene with the Brutes...did he kill one or two? You said "the other brute fell to the floor, oozing blood onto the floor"(repadativeness there with the word "floor". Took away from that scene, I felt). Yet you said the Jackals feasted on the corpse of THE Brute.

A few other GPS mistakes I noticed, but mostly G instead of P or S(forgive my typing..i'm trying to type with one hind whilst holdng an ice pak on my head with the other. Typing with my left hand now, too(I'm right handed)).

Overall, it was not as entertaining as I thought it would bee. Maybe just because I don't really like SG-1. But, hey, I'll give it a shot.

Good job, you two.

6/10

[Miss_Death]

Gallagher thought that people would not recongize if he put down "The brute" since he remembered that other people are pretty stupid sometimes and might put down marks on something that is clearly marked for those with the writer's eye. I didn't say that, he did.

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

Yes, my wife sadly revealed the Chapter 1 secret. But, hey, it will be funny.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[HoZ]

that was good... dont tell me you listen to rap... plz....

[Miss_Death]

He doesn't, I do.

[HoZ]

illl laugh at you later...

classes are changing