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Tribunal By Fire: Prologue: The Beginning of the Inter-Dimen
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:30 pm    Post subject: Tribunal By Fire: Prologue: The Beginning of the Inter-Dimen Reply with quote

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Tribunal By Fire: Prologue: The Beginning of the Inter-Dimension Alliance
Posted by (ENS) Rabid(The Shizzle)Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
11 April 2005, 2:32 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ens_rabidthe.0411051432041.html
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just to let you know, Gallagher forgot to put my name in there.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grammar problems I definatly noticed.

Most namely, instead of using "A" before an word beginning with a vowel, you are supposed to use "an".

I like the plot but flow had some minor issues, nothing worth pointing out.

Damn good job mate.
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mates, Darky, mates.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoops. Forgot you co-wrote this.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, a few grammatical mistakes here and there but onthing that noticeable and nothring really bad. Jackals eating Brutes. . . hehe.. . . Twisted Evil
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, but this is just a prolouge, we're getting this up and running soon.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know about not using AN's, but you did anyways. Avoid doing this (especially since you know). Really, the only time you should put anything that resembles an AN is if you took material from another story or piece, then you should reference it at the top. But big long thank-you's generally aren't needed, as in about one week they will mean nothing to the future readers of this.

I was noticing some flow issues there, probably in the form of repedativeness. Be sure to reread what you write, and pick out areas that seem to repeat themselves. A reader doesn't need to be reinformed of the material (only in a speech should you recap things), so try not to emphasize things be restating them.

4th Paragraph, You wrote:
O'Neill walked forward, his own M8 at his side as he walked forward into the blue liquid, he saw the wormhole as he walked forward, not stopping, and when he reached the other side, he ducked under plasma fire.


Here's an example of what really needs to be rewritten. The use of "he" so many times detracts greatly from the reading, so watch out for stuff like this.

I would advise against using paranthesis in your narrative. When you do that, you give the details to the reader in a factual tone, when what we're looking for here is descriptions; we want you to show us. I've always considered paranthesis as a technical writing tool, not a creative one.

Your militaristic feel was very good, and I've only gotten quite the same feeling from Andres; excellent job there. Though your characters didn't seem to have much military bearing:

Quote:
"Okay...send a small group of Scorpions down there. If they can, save the men there. If not, well we can blast that to hell and score another one to the human race! Huha!" He yelled. The men inside let out a whoop with him, the 3rd Army's pride cheer.


That seemed a little too merry, at least for my taste. While you got the lingo down, try and make the characters follow suit. It won't turn monotone, if that's what your trying to avoid, so just try and work them in to match the situation. Later on, I noticed some similar problems, and it didn't help with the feel of the story.

A while further down, things got really whacked. It's hard to say specifically, but it seemed a little too comical. Watch yourself, since (unless this is a comedy) people don't react with such whimsical responses.

Overall, it was good. Nice plot idea, but several aspects made it less-than-desireable. This has a lot of potential, so keep going.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh. Watch those long titles. They have that nasty tendency to get cut off.


Russ covered a bunch here, and I'll first agree with everything he said. Even still, I must add my own opinions.

Stargate. Well, I do love SG-1, myself. Love it. Don't have the time to watch much of it any more, but I still do love to check it out when I find the time. Hoepfully, this will do justice to that series.


Repedetiveness in detail. One was the names. While we do know the SG-1 crew by a certain name, it is not a good idea to only use that one name in your narrative. The term gets repedetive, and starts standing out to the eye. And this disrupts the flow of the writing. You have a lot to work with here. All of these characters have more than one name they can go by. Ranks and such. With Teal'c, you can just call him a Jaffa. He is the one that proves limiting.

Whenever you do thoughts, put them in italics. It makes them stand out more, which while usually is a bad thing, is what you want when having a blurb of conscious thought in the text. It is similar to dialogue, just not as distinct.

I saw a lot of telling in there besides just the use of parentheses. When you are in narrative, try to describe more. You had some fair explenations, but they didn't lend themselves to the flow of the text. Choose your wording and structure carefully.

Here's an example of repedetiveness and telling instead of showing:
You wrote:
"Okay, Daniel, stop showing off. Okay, let's go." O'Neill said as he looked over to the window, where he could easily see Carter giving O'Neill a thumbs up. O'Neill replied with the same thumbs-up, then the Stargate powered up. The chevrons turned and locked, and after a minute, it was powered up. The blue-ish color of the Stargate's portal was oddly peaceful, but that was usually interrupted by energy blasts.

A whole lot of term repeats, and dry explenation. Instead, try to flesh things out, and add a variety of words:
I wrote:
"Okay, Daniel, stop showing off. Alright, let's go," O'Neill shouted to his team, looking through the nearby window to Carter. It was quite easy to see her holding up a thumb at this distance - a gesture the Colonel promptly returned. Seconds later, the Stargate hummed into action. The chevrons flashed red and locked onto the familiar set of coordinates, and with the seventh, the chaos of what apeared to be rushing water burst forth, finally settling to a rippling calm. It was, oddly, peaceful; but that was because, usually, the team's exit was acompanied by energy blasts.

See, just a basic little redo. It could flow better, and have a lot more details, but I wanted to keep things basic.

There were quite a few grammatical errors in there. Watch out for those. Keep tenses steady, and make sure small mistakes are pushed into the lower single digits, or out of existence completely. Proofreading is important for this. Not only does it help catch mistakes, but it should help improve the quality of the work. And since there are two of you to do this, it should be just that much better.

I didn't get the feel of aliens in that Brute scene. You had them speek like humans - using things like "sir". When using Covenant characters, it is always a good thing to maintain a differing feel. One of the big ways to do this is through dialogue. So work on that.


Overall, this was pretty good. Could have used a good deal more detail, and slowed down a bit. Just listen to advice, and keep working on this. Keep it up; and good luck.
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Wiley K.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I know next-to-nothing about Stargate, so I had a little bit of trouble understanding some things. Could you possibly explain them a bit better in future chapters?

One part confused me. The scene with the Brutes...did he kill one or two? You said "the other brute fell to the floor, oozing blood onto the floor"(repadativeness there with the word "floor". Took away from that scene, I felt). Yet you said the Jackals feasted on the corpse of THE Brute.

A few other GPS mistakes I noticed, but mostly G instead of P or S(forgive my typing..i'm trying to type with one hind whilst holdng an ice pak on my head with the other. Typing with my left hand now, too(I'm right handed)).

Overall, it was not as entertaining as I thought it would bee. Maybe just because I don't really like SG-1. But, hey, I'll give it a shot.

Good job, you two.

6/10
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 12:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gallagher thought that people would not recongize if he put down "The brute" since he remembered that other people are pretty stupid sometimes and might put down marks on something that is clearly marked for those with the writer's eye. I didn't say that, he did.



Quote:
The term gets repedetive, and starts standing out to the eye. And this disrupts the flow of the writing. You have a lot to work with here. All of these characters have more than one name they can go by. Ranks and such.


But we've read lots of books and fics that uses last names instead of whole names, yet we never see you put down that. Could you explain a little more on what you mean?



Quote:
I didn't get the feel of aliens in that Brute scene. You had them speek like humans - using things like "sir". When using Covenant characters, it is always a good thing to maintain a differing feel. One of the big ways to do this is through dialogue. So work on that.


Me and Gallagher don't really know what to call a Brute besides the male term for a officer, but we'll work on that.


russ678 wrote:
Quote:
(unless this is a comedy)


Oh yes, definialy. It's a laid back comedy, kinda like comedy in an action film, not like "Airplane" or "The Naked Gun" comedies.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, my wife sadly revealed the Chapter 1 secret. But, hey, it will be funny.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was good... dont tell me you listen to rap... plz.... Mad
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He doesn't, I do.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 2:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

illl laugh at you later...

classes are changing
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