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Doing the Grunt-work: First Part - The Ship
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:57 pm    Post subject: Doing the Grunt-work: First Part - The Ship Reply with quote

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Doing the Grunt-work: First Part - The Ship
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
9 April 2005, 9:43 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dagorath.0409050943051.html
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 1:44 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

Good story only won thing I would advise on the next one.

When talking from a Covenant POV, don't call them Elites, Grunts, Drones. Instead, call them Sangheli, Unngoy, and Yamm'e.

That's what the Covenant call themselves. Weird huh? I like it better though.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uggh. I spelt "one" wrong.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You really are related to Dave aren't you? Razz

Yeah, I'll get to this later. Looks good from a glance but I have a lot on my plate right now. A LOT. I've been working [almost] all day. Well, I won't hang around here much longer complaining, I'd love to stay and chat but I'd get flamed Wink So, I'll let you get back to your comments section and I'd better start working again. And I'm in hospital! Bastards. I'm doing it again aren't I? *brings out AHFN's hammer* There we go.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, as far as I'm concerned, how you have Covenant refer to each other is entirely up to you - your preference. I mean, in the game [Halo 2] they talk about each other with human names. It does sound more distinctly Covenant, however. And when working with aliens, you want them to feel like aliens.

Saw a few small mistakes in there. And though they may not be major things, their presence does make a big difference. So next time, and every time after that, remember to proofread thoroughly and diligently multiple times before submitting. This will not only help you to catch mistakes, though; it will, hopefully, bring out weak points to your attention.

Avoid the use of parentheses in your text. It is unecessary and comes across as unprofessional. Instead, simply include that information in your body text. Use description and explenation (which you also needed) to show us these things. Don't just tell us.

Work on your length. Expand and develop your material. Use those details to flesh things out, and exfoliate on what you already have. There was not much material in your piece - change that, make it larger.

Watch how your plot comes across, too. To me, this was almost comical. Maybe it was because of the presence of Grunts, but things did not seem totally serious. Fix that. The more serious you make it, the more seriously people will take it.


Overall, this was okay. Just use the advice you are given to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:59 am    Post subject: translation Reply with quote

I think they used human names, because if Bungie didn't, we wouldn't understand them. It's like a translator. I don't think they were talking in English though.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, they'd be most likely speaking a form of gibberish to us. Strange how Miranda and Sarge know how to speak Covenant Smile (I am kidding. Most likely Arbiter knew how to speak Human from his vast experience as a war hero)
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would agree with that, Michael. But then why would we, speaking in English, be using the Covenant names? Things are translated, and thus into the names we are familiar with.

I could argue that, but I won't. There is no need. You can write either way. Though, like I said, using the Covenant names does make things sound more alien. And that is good for Covie stories.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would just say alternate between the two. Dosn't really matter. Referring to a character by one name, be it Hunter/Lekgolo, Grunt/Unggoy, Sangheili/Elite, can get pretty repadative. Although, in dialouge, I suggest having the Covie characters use their own names, and the Human characters use their terminology.

In the body of the story it dosn't really matter...to me anyway
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What Wiley means is that you should probably never have the same stanch or use the same words like "shit" or "fuck" or "six as in I got your six" unless it is nessecary...which in most cases it's not.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, why I used the normal name was that the story is not actually from the Covenant's point of view in particular: it is supposed to be quite a comical narrative. In addition, using the specialised names is kind of repetitive, additionally it is easier to associate with the normal human names: the word Grunt conjures the image of a short little pest which you shoot in the head with the pistol (or indeed any weapon at all), while "Elite" conjures the image of a tall, dangerous humanoid who could blast you apart if you don't be careful.

Sorry about the parentheses: I think it's a habit of mine. The second half will have a more darker storyline and more descriptions.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see you've surfaced, Dagorath.

I'll say right up front though, better reading equals better writing. (If you don't know what I mean, check out 'Piggybacking and Learning' by myself, under the guides section.)

I suggest you read a few fan ficks up here, including Battle for the Norah, Tales From Master Chef's Bar and Grill (TFMCBG), Acts of Conspiracy, and Project Shadow Spartan. (The Agent Shade Version)

Be warned; a story without a plot is no story; so although it's nice to have description, it also has to flow smoothly, (Check out TFMCBG's second issue to see some wicked use of diction and pronounciation manipulations). Also be sure to make sure you pay sufficient detail to setting, not just characters.

All that said, have fun!

- Dave.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave, I really hate it when you advertise your stuff, whever it actually has something interesting in it, it just looks wrong.

But, he is right. A story without a plot isn't a story at all. You did follow almost everything, which is good. But I'd add a little more drama, a little less comedy, and a better plot. But, then after that, you'll be set and on your way to become the HBOFF's Best Writer Award winner!
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this was amusubg...
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

amusing*

dammit! CANT TYPE!!!! Mad
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