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Engagements around Every Corner

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:57 pm    Post subject: Engagements around Every Corner Reply with quote

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Engagements around Every Corner
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
9 April 2005, 5:38 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0409050538379.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hope MCC gets first review...*nudge nudge*
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fine, fine. My MCC senses were tingling away when I looked at the title of this story. Looks like my senses proved true.

Anyway.

"M60 Shotgun"? I know the Halo shotgun as the M90. "Shredder rounds"? Not for a shotgun. Those fire slugs, or shot. I suppose you could have a "shredder" slug, though.

Some parts of the story went by a little too quickly. It jumped from one thing to the next. Transitions are important. Try to make one section flow cleanly into the next - one situation into another. That way, things progress naturally, not jerkily or suddenly.

Watch those descriptions. Generally, they were alright. But in places they became repedetive and the flow started becoming less smooth. When you proofread, watch out for that.

Make sure to keep your explenations and thought processes smooth and coherent. At times, what you were explaining started to get a bit foggy - like you had rushed through writing it, or didn't focus on having it make the fullest sense.

Section Three, not "Section 3."


Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing too major that I noticed. But, I can't go away without telling you you need to keep working. So good luck; and keep working.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked ..i didnt spell out three...damn it...sorry about the shotgun....maybe CDW changed it when he helped me..thanks MCC.aha.

Oh great review master haha.
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Oh great review master


Easy Mark, thats kind of brown nosing. I'm allowed to call him master because of a conversation back on 'Out of the fire into the inferno'

MCC: Ahh! I have taught you well, sam_fisha!

Master Sushi: Damn you fisha! You get here first and you say everything first! Damn you MCC... Mr. 1000 Posts. Making us all redundant. And your evil apprentice sam_fisha...

MCC: It's "Mr. 1100 Posts" now. And, yeah, I think I;ve done well with little Sammy.

Sam_fisha: Yes master.

See, being called the 'evil apprentice' pretty much makes him my Master.

Anyhoo on to the story,

I liked it, but having asterics' running all the way across the screen as a splitter isn't really necessary. Maybe just three, like Jilly uses.


And you used the rank names quite a bit, almost back to back. Try to mix it up a little bit to avoid repeditivness.

Good job. Very Happy
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was definifly annoyed by the fact you used Sergeant Major in almost every paragraph in the beginning. You know the Marines has Gunny Sergeants, right? Hope you do.

Warrent Officer, huh? Is he just a Warrent Officer or is he a CWO3? Or a CWO4?

When you were describing your Lieutenant Colonel, you forgot to add the Lieutenant in some of places where you should of. It messed the flow and I was kinda confused.

You also had places where a little more detail could of kept your story on a roll, but this was good. This was very good, but it doesn't pass very good.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm...Aite. Thanks.

I did start Sergeant Major wit every paragraph...damn it. Im sorry,.....

......argh... I should have caught that...well, mistakes happen. Thanks guys.
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Miss_Death
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It seemed in the beginning that everyone in the company had a M90. That's not practical. Marines in a company would never use all the same weapon. At most only a third of the company, that's 33.3 percent, would use the shotgun. The rest would use either M7s, BR55s, or S2 AMs.

I didn't know Sergeant Majors walked companies into battles. I thought they'd stay by the base and they'd command units. Master Gunnery Sergeant or Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, they would often stay at the base and command via radio or in this case portable communicators. Also, you really don't see many Sergeant Majors in the Marines. If you meant Master Gunnery Sergeant, that would of definifly helped. For a list of Marine ranks, go here: http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=602&start=0
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job Mark, as always. This was an awsome piece of work. I liked the Detail and a lot of other things. The only thing I had a problem with was the swearing. Yes, yes, I know I swear a lot, but in a fan fic, there shouldn't be too much of it. Otherwise, very good. I am not going to give a something/something grade, and I will leave it at that. Good job, Mark.


>>Ark Night
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll get to this soon Mark.

*mutters* Damn essays.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dont worry Dark....Ill be patient. Thanks Ark,

Well, have you played Full Spectrum Warrior. Lots of Swearing, but the cussing in the story, made me laugh alot, so I kept it. Lol..well if you imagine it then ya.

Miss Death..reason why the Sergeant Major is with the Marines is because, there are very few Marines left on the Halo ring.

If you read the other chapters YOu would understand. There are only like a hundred Mariens left from the four hundred that were brought and strande on the Ring. So yeah.

Hope that makes sense.

Oh And my new story, Raqistan--FSW, its going great...spent four hours working on just two pages. TWO PAGES. Cause i have to research all this stuff yeah..well thanks for the comments.
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