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Warrior's Fate, Part 3: Hard Landing

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 12:56 pm    Post subject: Warrior's Fate, Part 3: Hard Landing Reply with quote

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Warrior's Fate, Part 3: Hard Landing
Posted by maxx (spiritedge@yahoo.com)
6 April 2005, 9:12 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=maxx.0406050912165.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good addition.

In the beginning I was hoping for more detail, especially some more emotions and reactions to your ODST dying, along with the other plumetting to the ground in a helpless rage. Be sure to elaborate a lot more on stuff like that, because from what I figured, your team is pretty close, so they would have a lot more to think about then what you wrote.

The rest went by well, and you had good descriptions, but be sure to add more terrain descriptions. I couldn't quite generate the image in my mind, so give us more details. Work them in well with the rest of your text so it's not invasive, rather purely informative to the reader. If I can't picture it, I can't "see" and feel what your characters are seeing and feeling.

There some stuff here and there that I would point out, but you will gain those attributes thorugh experience, so I won't bog you down at this stage. Aside from that, good job. Keep it up.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with russ that you needed more emotion. Sure you had your main character cringe a bit, but other than that, it might as well have been business as usual. I didn't get any emotion from that. Let us know what your characters are thinking and feeling in situations like that. The mission starts out badly, okay - but setting a mood is just as important as giving us the facts. Make us feel it, not just see the words.

I see you abbreviated "Sgt." in there. Na-ah. Not a good thing to do. Like not spelling out numbers. Don't use rank abbreviations. The only time I could see that is when you are doing a direct read from a system or identification tag "SGT WHOEVER".

Small tip: when you abreviate "comm." don't use a period after it. It messes with the flow and so we don't like it. You can abbreviate, just leave off the punctuation.

Detail, too. It is very important to get across the right level of detail. Yours was okay, but could have had a good deal more concerning, as russ pointed out, the environments. Let us see what your characters do: the color of the rock, the weather-made cracks, the dirt beneath their feet. Put us in the situation and let us know the smells and lighting. All sorts of things you should get across - details are your way to do it.


Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing major that messed things up. Just keep tweeking things, and using the advice you are given. Good luck.
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it was good too many characters and too many of them have names, it confuses the reader, stick to only a few i say 3 or 4 main characters everyone does need names.

ODST
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, I'd disagree. I think it's good to have lots of characters....if they are used correctly. If not, then what's the point? You would be using too much space. But, then again, sometimes you often need to fill space, and that, sadly, is when you have truly failed as a writer...

But enough with my ramblings! It was actually pretty good, you kinda lacked detail, but other than that it was pretty good.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sticking with Helljumper here. Sure, it is great, Gall, to have a lot of characters. That is not a bad thing. A large cast can be fun - just so much to work with. However, what Hell refers to is the amount of main characters. If you try to stick in several people and keep jumping from one perspective to the next, things get repedetive, choppy, and go by way too fast.

You can have that large amount of characters, just so long as you don't try to tell the story through each and every one of them.
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