HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

The assault on Lyon, Infiltration.

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:40 pm    Post subject: The assault on Lyon, Infiltration. Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The assault on Lyon, Infiltration.
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
4 April 2005, 10:52 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0404051052094.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andres! You're back!

I'll get to reading soon; I'm currently a bit tied up with a long line.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see you writing, Andres.


Okay. Grammar. That is the first thing I noticed. Your opening paragraph had a tense glitch, and it was one big sentense. Watch that. Break up your phrases into individual parts - sentenses. Commas are great things, but not to be used where periods could. Watch that GPS for us.

Slow things down a bit, too. More explenation and description could have helped a lot. Don't hesitate to sticka good emotional or setting reference in there to make thing more full - and to improve the moment.

Watch that repedetiveness, too. I noticed a good few examples in there. I'd point them out, but I do not feel the need. Just avoid using the same word or term more than a couple times in the same instance. Only one if you can help it.

Details. Use more of them. You did a fine job of telling us some things, but always remember that your goal is to show us. Use vivid, flowing descriptions. Instead of "He walked up the stairs" write like "The small child, his eyes jerking from one black slit separating the wooden steps to the next, crept slowly up the creaking set of stairs." Just gives us a whole nre picture of things.

Check your flow, too. Yours was okay, but details and that telling thing did mess with it a bit. Just focus on making your words add to the smoothness of the reading, as well as your sentense structure.

Small mistakes abounded, sorry to say. So, don't curse at your story, just proofread more in the future. Always put as much effort as you can into proofreading. It will show.

Spell out those numbers. I saw several instances where things should have been spelt out instead of put in digits. Always make it a point to spell those out. It does make a difference.

Work on that length, too. While you can post that much, it has to be really, really interesting to keep people hooked all the way through. Even work that is written well can get tiring to read after a long time. So consider knocking things down and posting in smaller paragraphs. That way, to increase length, you can expand and develop instead of add more stuff.


Overall, this was pretty fair, but it does need some work. So just listen to the advice you receive, and work to improve. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MCC hit a lot, I'll leave it at that.

Your combat scenes are awesome, no joke, Andres. I loved that initial scene of the tanks advancing along the road and then to the village, excellent job there. Radio chatter and reactions by your tankers is very authentic, and I could picture myself sitting right there in the tank.

But you still have a lot of GPS errors. It is very important that you catch these, as it can affect the flow and the readability. If you can wrap up those errors and combine it with your writing, this would be awesome. Keep working, my friend.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Andres
Member


Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151

PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
Your combat scenes are awesome, no joke, Andres. I loved that initial scene of the tanks advancing along the road and then to the village, excellent job there. Radio chatter and reactions by your tankers is very authentic, and I could picture myself sitting right there in the tank.
I fell from my chair when I read that. Thanks.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group