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Amaeth
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:39 pm    Post subject: Amaeth Reply with quote

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Amaeth
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@hotmail.com)
1 April 2005, 6:56 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=severianofur.0401051856441.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh- I made it in time for a Author's Note.

I attempted to do a little twist with this little short story- most of you probably figured out what really happened by the time you got to the halfway point, if you got that far in the first place. Anyways, I hope I got it right: please add that onto your comments, if you could.

Anyways, thanks, all, in advance.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. It reminded me of The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe because it was both morbid and funny. Hearing a madman explain his reasoning is very entertaining if done right--and you did it right. Great job.

C.T. Clown
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh ooh ooh! Me wanna read! Hang on...


Well, that was brilliantly done! Well done, highly enjoyable to read! You got a lot of talent Sev.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow dude that was awasome...BRAVO!!!!
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Chuckles. Yeah, I had just gotten this short collection of Poe's short stories, and I wrote this when I was still chuckling at the ending of Black Cat. I hope some of Poe's brillance seeped in on this story.

Thanks, MasterSushi.

Oh, and thanks, HoZ.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Submitted 15 minutes before mine...pretty close, wouldn't you say?

Good job, Severian. Nice feel to the story.

I have to admit it seemed strange, at the very least, since your zombies did not take on any phyiscal Flood-traits, but rather seemed to only infect the mind without affecting the body. Your character's assumption that they must have been eaten his peers whole would, from what I gathered, be a misinterpretation of what actually happened.

From what I was able to absorb, this was acting more like an infection then some sort of Flood attack. Also, from the reactions put in there from his superiors and peers before this all conspired, the initial "attack" by the force was not conisdered significant. Basic logic and human reactions, however, would dictate that such an unconventional boarding by mysterious beings being infected like that would be much more of concern, skepticism, and fear. Perhaps is superiors and peers knew something he didn't?

The setting didn't seem very militaristic, and protocols and security measures seemed absent in the wake of that initial boarding. I doubt that was an overlook, so I'm trying to think of the reasons behind it. The ship he was on had to be large (if it held Longswords), and must have had a crew compliment of several hundred. Where was the Captain or XO during this event? Did no one else recognize the attack? Did the ship's security not perform a full search afterwards, and did the ship's AI not do an internal scan for any anomalies? It appeared as if a lot was missing, a lot that could have prevented such a doomed future.

Incompetence? Doubtful, at least among a ship composed of several hundred trained crewmembers. There seemed to be a lot missing.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. Good one.

-Russ
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... did I mess up somewhere?

Quote:
I have to admit it seemed strange, at the very least, since your zombies did not take on any phyiscal Flood-traits, but rather seemed to only infect the mind without affecting the body. Your character's assumption that they must have been eaten his peers whole would, from what I gathered, be a misinterpretation of what actually happened.

From what I was able to absorb, this was acting more like an infection then some sort of Flood attack. Also, from the reactions put in there from his superiors and peers before this all conspired, the initial "attack" by the force was not conisdered significant. Basic logic and human reactions, however, would dictate that such an unconventional boarding by mysterious beings being infected like that would be much more of concern, skepticism, and fear. Perhaps is superiors and peers knew something he didn't?

The setting didn't seem very militaristic, and protocols and security measures seemed absent in the wake of that initial boarding. I doubt that was an overlook, so I'm trying to think of the reasons behind it. The ship he was on had to be large (if it held Longswords), and must have had a crew compliment of several hundred. Where was the Captain or XO during this event? Did no one else recognize the attack? Did the ship's security not perform a full search afterwards, and did the ship's AI not do an internal scan for any anomalies? It appeared as if a lot was missing, a lot that could have prevented such a doomed future.


Well, I created the main character for this story, Malcolm, as an absolute madman. Not in that Charles-Manson-esque axe-n-chainsaw way, but- just sees things diffrentely.

Ever read A Seperate Peace? In it, a character named Brinkley joins the army, and is washed out- section eight discharge- because he hallucinates about others being, well, monsters. That formed the basis for this story. Wink

Basically, the zombies never existed. I put in some passages to support that:

Quote:
Malcolm thought again about how odd it was that everyone had died without a single mark on them, except for a gray, purplish complexion on their faces and of how most had had their hands wrapped around their throats


No marks, in a Flood attack? All they suffered was suffocation, and so they had a gray, purplish complexion on their faces. Therefore, their bodies weren't mauled, bloodied, etc, etc.

Quote:
Oh, yeah. Because he had stopped them. Malcolm hadn't been able to save the crew in time, but by leaking the atmosphere from the hallways where the crew had been fending off the zombies, he had finished the monsters off. The things had melted away with the atmosphere, however.


He resets the atmosphere. That is, completely vacumns a ship's interior of breathable oxygen. I never really saw that in any Halo fiction, but I assumed such measures would exist- like, say, mutiny control or to help repel a party of boarders.

Quote:
Zombies surrounded me. Hundreds of them, rising from the beds of all the others, finished feeding on their bodies and now setting out for me. They screamed and screeched and cursed. I cried; I ran away. One of them tried to grab me, and I did the move that sarge had taught me before. The one where you grab the wrist, snap it back, and crack it in half. It screamed, called me a 'fucknut.' The zombies were taking the intelligence of the people it ate. Oh god, I thought.


The Flood, they don't talk. Basically, Malcolm starts to perceive other soldiers as 'zombies'- thus, the part with the 'zombie' saying "fucknut."

Quote:
I got to the bridge, where the controls are. A zombie stood there. Lini wasn't there. The zombie must have eaten her. I took out the pistol and shot it twice in the head. It died. Blood came out and splashed over the deck. Some of it flecked over me.


He kills Lini, not a zombie. Ever see a Flood go down from a headshot?

Quote:
The zombies all had that word on their foreheads. Amaeth. 'Cept that the A's were gone, and only Maeth remained. Falsehood.


Finally, 'Amaeth' was the word with which you brough a golem to life by inscribing it onto their forehead. Take off the A, though, makes the word 'Maeth'- which means, to my knowledge, falsehood. Get it? Wink
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa- oops. Sorry about not thanking you properly, Russ.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, I got you. Nicely done.

Since I've never read something of this nature before, when you described it in such a way that is was "true" reality, like those events actually happened and they were actually zombies, I had no choice but to accept that that actually happened.

The subtle hints were there, now that I understand the plot, but were (in my case, at least) not quite enough. Perhaps some closure at the end featuring the true reality, and not his hallulicinations, would have eradicated any confusion. Because as far as I knew, there actually was something effecting the crewmembers, and he was actually the protaganist, not some crazy man.

Nevetheless, Nice thinking.

-Russ
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I only got it after reading the Author's note. I agree with russ in that you need some semblence of reality instead of just having Sarge say "fucknut" and the like.

Dark, how I like it.

Where was the code mate? Are you getting lazy?

Still, great work nonetheless.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was coding in there, just not indents. For you, Sev, I'll let it pass like I do with Chuck. It can be a style. Still, can't say I wouldn't have minded if indentation would have been there...

Quote:
...with the wine mentioned above.

I find something like this more suitable for a report or article - but not a narrative. In a story, it just does not look right, to me at least, to refer to other text. You are narrating, not writing an essay. And so if something is mentioned, you can reference to it, but not in terms of the text, but instead by terms of the story.
For instance, you would not go and say something like "Sergeant Pocks paced aimlessly across the room, wondering when this hellish torment of being forced to wait for the doctor's arrival - his friend was in trouble. Finally, the doctor walking in, looking solidly at the soldier mentioned above. His eyes were colder than the air had just become."
Just doesn's sound right.

Crazy kind of a theme. It most certainly was short. I thought you could have gone more in depth with things - gotten more of a mood set. Though I could see where a Poe influence could come in, I have read Poe, and this didn't really give me the feeling one of his would. Sure, I know that is to be expected - there is no one quite like Poe.
Still...

Like I would a story this length, I thought it could have been more developed and expanded. Maybe it was not your intent, since this was a short story; but I always think that, even if it is confined to one story, it can be complex and have a lot of detail in it that doesn't clutter it up. Like Poe - gets so far into the mind of his character that you think it might be you; almost.


Overall, this was pretty good. Great for practice - writing other things just keeps your writing ability fresh, and you can try new things and see how you do with them. Always a good thing to have many different things in writing you are good at. Anyway; keep up the good work; and good luck.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok Ok. You caught me there. I'm still a fan of indents.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The subtle hints were there, now that I understand the plot, but were (in my case, at least) not quite enough. Perhaps some closure at the end featuring the true reality, and not his hallulicinations, would have eradicated any confusion. Because as far as I knew, there actually was something effecting the crewmembers, and he was actually the protaganist, not some crazy man.


And...

Quote:
only got it after reading the Author's note. I agree with russ in that you need some semblence of reality instead of just having Sarge say "fucknut" and the like.


Thanks, Russ and darkfire. I did mess up there, eh? Sorry about that.

[/quote]I find something like this more suitable for a report or article - but not a narrative. In a story, it just does not look right, to me at least, to refer to other text. You are narrating, not writing an essay. And so if something is mentioned, you can reference to it, but not in terms of the text, but instead by terms of the story.
Quote:


I see. So something like-

"...And the bottle of wine stolen from the el-tee's office"
Quote:


would have been better? Thanks, MCC.

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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Crazy quoting there. Wink
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