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Assault on Lyon, Chapter I: Part B. New objective

 
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:38 pm    Post subject: Assault on Lyon, Chapter I: Part B. New objective Reply with quote

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Assault on Lyon, Chapter I: Part B. New objective
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
1 April 2005, 4:27 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0401050427133.html
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw several GPS errors in there. All of them served to take away from the quality of the story.

The grammar and punctuation just subtracted from the flow of things. Some places didn't sound right, or didn't make full sense because the flow was off just enough. So proofread thoroughly to catch all that. Flow is an important thing.

Small tip: don't use "comm." - with a period. It is okay to use "comm" with no period. That is just an abbreviation (though COM does look just as good). That period can mess with the eyes of a reader. Disrupts that flow.

If you decide to make a story this long, make sure that your use of detail lends to the reader's eye. Make it so that the reader wants to go on, and doesn't even feel the urge to look at the scroll bar. So that when they reach the end, they are surprised their isn't more. This takes practice, but do work on explaining and describing more. Details. They make or break a story.

Part of what you could do to help out the above would be to focus on singular sections, and not try to include all of those different ones. Expand and develop one at a time. And don't try to force so much into one installment. Jumping around will hurt a story if done in excess.

That whole Warthog thing was a tad odd. 120 miles an hour? That is fast. For a Warthog... no.


Overall, this was alright. Needs to be slowed down and expaned, mostly. Other than that, just work with the advice you are given, and strive to improve. Good luck.
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