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Longsword R: Desperation, Part Five
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:38 pm    Post subject: Longsword R: Desperation, Part Five Reply with quote

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Longsword R: Desperation, Part Five
Posted by Sterfrye36 (Sterfrye36@yahoo.com)
31 March 2005, 11:46 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=sterfrye36.0331052346107.html
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ho...Ly...Shit! Sterfrye actually posted a story!

Just playing man. I'll get to this later today.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ouch. That hurt, man. Confused Wink
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FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that I got to it I have to say. Pretty damn good as always. Not much in the way of plot progression or characyar development.

One noticed grammar problem, missing letter.

You still manage to keep me hooked though. Very Happy
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it's kind of hard to describe a big battle like htis. Character development doesn't come easy while writing battle scenes, at least right now.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 10:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well...that's...descriptive...
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah...sorry, Can you like send me the whole file. I would really like to read it on my spring break.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, sure, I guess so. I'll try to send it later today.
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sterfrye36,

This was a really awsome part to your series. I haven't read the previous ones because I didn't know about them. But I will.

I don't have too much to say about this except that it was good. No noticeable mistakes.

Keep up the good work,

Mendez
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to see you writing some, Sterfrye. I had almost forgotten about this series. Good to see you.


Yup. I love those smiley or single phrase comments, too. Rolling Eyes

Anyway. Onto the story.

Actually, even in action there are a couple ways you can develop your character:
1) Relate occurences to their past experiences in a way that reveals how what they think of things, how they usually react, and what kind of stuff they have been through in the past.
2) Just have them examine the situation; then while they are thinking about things - it can be as short as one paragraph, possible less, and as long as a few; depends on how much you want to get into it, and how you think it will affect your pace - just convey things about their thought processes, personality, or history. Similar to the above, just more personal.

It did seem like very little plot progression happened. I mean, everything that happens in a story does move it along, but if you don't reference to what is happening overall, time and events passing loose meaning. So just some minor references to the plot, or the big picture, or something of the like would have made things seem more relevent to a purpose.


When I was reading through this, I felt as if something was missing. Things just didn't seem as alive as they could have. I would like to point to detail - it's something I've learned to fall back on.

Your story details - how you relayed what was going on, and how things were set - was just fine. No problem there. But I didn't really get all that much emotion from things. Nor did I get that vivid image in my mind that I would have liked, and that this piece needs. Space battles always benefit from good imagry.

So, what I thought it could have used was just a tad more descriptive detail. Not too much. Without changing the style of your writing, that could just mess with the hard-edged militaryistic style you have going on. Just enough to soften up the edges a bit, and add more luster.

Length was another thing. I enjoyed reading this, and when I got to the end, I was struck with the feeling that it had not taken all that long to pass by. So expand and develop more; or add more material to lengthen your pieces. Don't stretch things, but don't leave things small. Less to enjoy.


Overall, this was pretty darned good. It needs some tweaking, but nothing to major. Don't take my advice and re-do your way of writing. Just keep in it mind as you write. But always make sure that things still flow (speeking of that, watch out for repedetive terms - like "craft"). Keep up the good work.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the advice, MCC. I'll follow it (almost) to the letter. Twisted Evil

And I'll try searching for some other synonyms for craft.
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"I...have...power issues." -Phae
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey this was awsome. Since I am grounded I didn't get to comment when I read it. But now I can cause I am at school. Well this was awsome. I am soon going to have a dogfight part in one of my upcomming fics.

Well keep up the good work Ster. I guess I will be going back and reading the rest of your work. As I told MCC, I didn't even know how good you were till I read it.

Well.... Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Shocked


Caleb
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are few people out there who can keep me reading through a story that long, Ster. Very Happy
However, one thing has been plaguing me about this series, though I've never mentioned it, but other people may have. There are too many abreviations for things. I couldn't even remember a lot of those abreviations (such as AMRIMM). Perhaps if you posted your stories a bit closer together (ahem... Wink ). I could remember things a bit better.

Sweet story though.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2005 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, I get the hint already, Nick! Confused Laughing
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"I...have...power issues." -Phae
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