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Desperate Plea (Pt. 2)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
PostPosted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 3:20 pm    Post subject: Desperate Plea (Pt. 2) Reply with quote
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Desperate Plea (Pt. 2)
Posted by Dexdiman
17 August 2004, 4:09 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dexdiman.0817040409172.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This sounds much more like a script than a story. That makes it very hard to read. Instead of writing:

Quote:
Johnson turns and yells out the cockpit,
"Boys, enemy fighters coming this way. Hang on we're doing evasive action."


Write:

Quote:

"Boys, enemy fighters coming this way" Johnsons screamed from the cockpit. "Hang on we're doing evasive action."


You get it? In one you seem to be directing the action, like a screenplay, and in the other you are describing action as it happens.

Sounds like you have good ideas. I'll be looking for your next one.

C.T. Clown
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Conrad Lauf
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I actually don't mind this style of writing. The present tense makes you feel as though its happening right now. And the story wasn't all that bad. Not bad at all
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