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Assault on Lyon, Chapter One: Part A

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:55 pm    Post subject: Assault on Lyon, Chapter One: Part A Reply with quote

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Assault on Lyon, Chapter One: Part A
Posted by Andres  (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
20 March 2005, 9:40 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=andres.0320052140542.html
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Andres,

Great use of the Code. I am glad to see someone who is willing to take the effort to use it.

On to the story. I noticed a lot of mistakes that a wordprocessor wouldn't pick up. The can be weeded out by reading your story a couple time through before you submit it.

One of the first things I saw was your name for the bomber.
Quote:
The massive "Bombsword" had been shoot down by the Covenant fixed guns further down the road, it was the third Pierre knew of.


I can think of about ten names that come to mind when I think bomber and none of the are "Bombsword." If Longsword is the fighter/ fast attack ship them give the bomber a name like, Vulture, or Osprey. It doesn't have to be a bird, but try and give it a name.

Quote:
His target was simple, scout the area on the parallel street from the hideout.
Somehow this doesn't feel right as I am reading it. You might want to try something a little more along the lines of->
Quote:
His mission was a simple one, scout the parallel street from the hideout.
In the military a target is physical. A mission however can be anything.

Quote:
He realized something, he was scared, he took a deep breath, he pressed his back against the rock, and after he exhaled he looked up to the sky,
There was a lot of repetition in that small piece. Try to break things up a little. Something like this.

Quote:
[indent]The Marine realized something. A feeling that was rising in his throat. Fear. Taking a deep breath and pressing his body firmly against the grey, pock marked stone. 'Cmon Pierre, you can do this. You've done it a thousand times before. Don't fall apart now. He exhaled and felt a little better.
[indent]At least he could move. The soldier turned his eyes to the sky. It was brilliant blue and more beautiful than any pastel. Faint whisps of cloud accented the blue backdrop. He was surprised at the beauty of it. In a moment like this he didn't really expect to see it. Now filled with warmth he was ready to act.


See how that makes it longer and shows more than tells.


These are just a few examples that will make your story flow better and sound more accurate.

Overall this was good. Keep working hard and you will continue to get better.


Mendez
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mendez wrote:
Andres,

Great use of the Code. I am glad to see someone who is willing to take the effort to use it.

On to the story. I noticed a lot of mistakes that a wordprocessor wouldn't pick up. The can be weeded out by reading your story a couple time through before you submit it.

One of the first things I saw was your name for the bomber.
Quote:
The massive "Bombsword" had been shoot down by the Covenant fixed guns further down the road, it was the third Pierre knew of.


I can think of about ten names that come to mind when I think bomber and none of the are "Bombsword." If Longsword is the fighter/ fast attack ship them give the bomber a name like, Vulture, or Osprey. It doesn't have to be a bird, but try and give it a name.

Quote:
His target was simple, scout the area on the parallel street from the hideout.
Somehow this doesn't feel right as I am reading it. You might want to try something a little more along the lines of->
Quote:
His mission was a simple one, scout the parallel street from the hideout.
In the military a target is physical. A mission however can be anything.

Quote:
He realized something, he was scared, he took a deep breath, he pressed his back against the rock, and after he exhaled he looked up to the sky,
There was a lot of repetition in that small piece. Try to break things up a little. Something like this.

Quote:
[indent]The Marine realized something. A feeling that was rising in his throat. Fear. Taking a deep breath and pressing his body firmly against the grey, pock marked stone. 'Cmon Pierre, you can do this. You've done it a thousand times before. Don't fall apart now. He exhaled and felt a little better.
[indent]At least he could move. The soldier turned his eyes to the sky. It was brilliant blue and more beautiful than any pastel. Faint whisps of cloud accented the blue backdrop. He was surprised at the beauty of it. In a moment like this he didn't really expect to see it. Now filled with warmth he was ready to act.


See how that makes it longer and shows more than tells.


These are just a few examples that will make your story flow better and sound more accurate.

Overall this was good. Keep working hard and you will continue to get better.


Mendez
How do I follow an act like that? Well put Mendez. I agree with you word for word. Good job on the story but correct some of those mistakes Mendez mentioned. Other than that, keep up the good work.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="Mendez"] I can think of about ten names that come to mind when I think bomber and none of the are "Bombsword." If Longsword is the fighter/ fast attack ship them give the bomber a name like, Vulture, or Osprey. It doesn't have to be a bird, but try and give it a name.[quote] The idea came from the veneral Tomcat. The F-14B/D "Bombcat".

Thanks for the good tips Mendez, I'm working hard on improving my writing. I think it was an inprovement.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally! I can read! While I haven't finished it yet, I'll post a little early in celebration.

Andres, I noticed some problems in there; stuff that I've pointed out before. Most notably, although your decriptions seem good, your paragraphs are far too long. Also, some flow issues in there with your descriptions, be more careful about organizing and presenting your ideas when you write. Proper articulation is essential.

I would suggest using less characters, or at least, not presenting new ones. Keep it down for simplicity. Also, watch your formatting, a few things here and there. I could picture the scenes, but they could be improved upon.

Your getting better, keep it up.

-Russ
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh... I got ya. I thought you just made up the name for lack of a better one. Something about it just didn't seem right to me. But you don't have to listen to me... That was just a suggestion. It didn't really affect your story at all. So if you want to keep that name don't sweat it. It will be fine.

Again good job,
Mendez
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 2:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. It all had that sense of 'Military Feel' to it, with the Marines landing on the rooftop and checking the windows of adjacent buildings, then busting down the door.
It also, however, had quite a few spelling and grammar errors that are easy to correct. Be sure to run a spellchecker on it next time, so it will catch the majority of those.
I look forward to the next chapter. Very Happy
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey nice story dude. I liked it alot. Just keep with what MC... I mean Mendez said. He seems like a smaller more personal cool version of MCC. Whatever you do Mendez keep it up.

I liked the character and the story and the emotion of the story too.

Keep it up.

Caleb
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you implying that I am not cool, Caleb? Hmm... I may have to give you a visit...


I agree that "Bombsword" is not something you would use. Creating a new name that is so similar to something we already have is just silly. Create an original name. However, in this case it is not necessary. We know Longswords have a bombing variant. For one, they do so in the E3 '03 demo. They also serve as attack craft in space. Sometimes you don't have to make up new stuff.

I, as Mendez did, noticed several mistakes throughout your story that are those things that don't get caught by your computer. Actually, most things wrong with your story will not get caught by your computer. All it is really good for directly is correcting spelling - and even then you can get the wrong word.
Thus, it is very, very important to proofread your work. Don't think that typing it up in a word processor is enough. You have to read over your work, edit it, read it some more, have a friend read it (if you like), proofread more, edit, repeat - as many times as necessary. I can't tell you how much you need to proof your story. You may have a fairly simple process where you just work out the kinks and small mistakes. Or you may have a more complex one where you improve and develop as you go through your story, making it better with each read-over.
I would suggest the latter, but do find a system that you are comfortable with.

There were some small issues with flow and detail. In some places you just got a tad too repedative. Wording is very important in how things come across and read through in a sentense, and then on through the whole paragraph. So it is important to get things as dead-on as you can. Proofreading helps here too; sometimes when you type it up, you won't notice repedative terms as you put them down.

Mendez mentioned showing instead of telling. What this refers to is the use of description - vivid description - and explanations to make your writing flow along really nicely, and not sound like a summary. It is the difference between "He walked down the street" and "The man strode briskly down the cracked and hole-ridden alley." Use of detail here is key.

Just a small tip: when you use "comm", avoid putting a period after it. It is just extra punctuation in the text that can be confusing for the eye. Just use comm with no period, or do "COM", as some other people do. Your choice - except for the period thing.

Things started getting jumpy towards the end. All those short little segments are bad for the flow and continuation of a story. Try to avoid that kind of thing.


Overall, this was pretty good. Plot could have been more coherent, though. Just follow the advice you are given, and work hard to improve. Good luck.
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ya one thing that I definately notice alot of times is a sentence like this one.

Quote:
There hats were on backward and it was hight time that that they should leave.


I know that the example that I gave was a hyperbolic one but you see what I mean. Those mistakes are ones that your computer spell check will totaly miss.

Anyway good job. Listen to MCC, he obviously knows how it's done.

Mendez
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You... Not cool? I said nothing of the sort. *cough*

But I wouldn't mind a little visit anyway.

Caleb
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