HBO Fan Fiction

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Halo 3: The Ark- Chapter 3, The Enemy of my Enemy, is my Enemy?
Posted by FOrunnER (raiderjake74@yahoo.com)
20 March 2005, 7:59 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forunner.0320050759153.html

[Mendez]

FOrunnER,

That was brilliant. Purely brilliant. I loved reading everysecond of it. It was nearly perfectly formatted and your GPS was near perfect.

I have no tips to give you really. All I can say is that you have a wonderful God givin talent and you need to write another one soon. Cause I am hooked.

I really liked the conversation between that Elite and Miranda. I think that you captured the emotion and feel of the moment.

Great Job, Keep up the good work,

Mendez

[FOrunnER]

Wow. Thanks for the glowing review Mendez, really lifts my spirits. Hope I get more soon. Like I said, I can't guarantee consistent chapter updates, but I'll try my best. Chapter 4 is in the works now.

[russ687]

Not bad. I'll keep my review short.

Don't express words by phonetically dragging them out (i.e. "rarrrrrr!"). Don't use author notes, they're really not needed and anything important you can post here. Spell out numbers (i.e. forty-percent, not 40%). Careful with your punctuation, you missed a few.

Otherwise, not bad.

[MC's Cousin]

Well, russ, I think part of it is that people look at your and my comments, see references like "GPS" and "Code" and think that they will use it to, to fit in and keep with the lingo (oh yeah, us Regulars have a lingo). Not a bad thing. Then we don't have poeple making up all sorts of new names.

Anyway.

You can still have professionalism at 14. Hell - CoLd BlooDed is around that age. As is Nick Kang. The only reason we say to avoid ANs is that it is just uneeded. I'm not telling you not to tell us these things - just go ahead and post them here where they will really matter. And my condolences to your family as wishes-of-working for your computer.

Just as a small tip: try separating your headings from your body text. Just having one double-space will make it separate enough.

I noticed small places where description could have been done differently. Now, perhaps this particular case is more a matter of personal opinion, but those Elites are dark purple - almost mistakable for black in some instances. You don't have to tell us that every time - "The dark-purple-armored Elite..." - but it is good to keep in mind; as you probably did.
Another case was you use of "Kevlar-like layers of muscle..." While that is a good comparison, it is not a material known to Elites. Try to use a more alien simile.

As russ mentioned, avoid using long strings of sound representation as dialogue. It just doesn't look as good as it could. So just describe that he shouts a battle cry, how it sounds, and what effect it has on things.

Another small tip: in dialogue, there is no need for repedetive punctuation. One thing I noticed was that you used double exclamation points. Not too bad - not as bad as "?!" - but still something to avoid. Also, in dialogue, you only need one ending punctuation mark of that line of speech ("Hey!" instead of "Hey!,").

Saw a few small mistakes throughout. So just keep an eye out for that kind of thing. Don't think you just have to get you next chapter out - no long how long it has been. Put your greatest effort into things.

I was sceptic as to whether that Elite would have acted like that. Just didn't seem to fit with his character - or that of all Elites.


Overall, this was pretty good. There are some things you need to work on, but this was a good read. Keep up the work. And good luck.
_________________
-MCC

[FOrunnER]

Thanks russ and MC on your reviews, constructive criticism goes a long ways.

[quote="You can still have professionalism at 14. Hell - CoLd BlooDed is around that age. As is Nick Kang. The only reason we say to avoid ANs is that it is just uneeded. I'm not telling you not to tell us these things - just go ahead and post them here where they will really matter. And my condolences to your family as wishes-of-working for your computer.[/quote]

I'll make sure not to do that in the future, I was just kind of ticked off when I was writing it. Sorry about that.

[quote=Just as a small tip: try separating your headings from your body text. Just having one double-space will make it separate enough.

I noticed small places where description could have been done differently. Now, perhaps this particular case is more a matter of personal opinion, but those Elites are dark purple - almost mistakable for black in some instances. You don't have to tell us that every time - "The dark-purple-armored Elite..." - but it is good to keep in mind; as you probably did.
Another case was you use of "Kevlar-like layers of muscle..." While that is a good comparison, it is not a material known to Elites. Try to use a more alien simile.

As russ mentioned, avoid using long strings of sound representation as dialogue. It just doesn't look as good as it could. So just describe that he shouts a battle cry, how it sounds, and what effect it has on things.

Another small tip: in dialogue, there is no need for repedetive punctuation. One thing I noticed was that you used double exclamation points. Not too bad - not as bad as "?!" - but still something to avoid. Also, in dialogue, you only need one ending punctuation mark of that line of speech ("Hey!" instead of "Hey!,").

Saw a few small mistakes throughout. So just keep an eye out for that kind of thing. Don't think you just have to get you next chapter out - no long how long it has been. Put your greatest effort into things.[/quote]

All of that duly noted and taken into account for the next chapter. Now that I look back at it the kevlar reference I realize it was slightely out of place in that particular part of the story, but it did accurately get across what I was trying to convey.

[quote=I was sceptic as to whether that Elite would have acted like that. Just didn't seem to fit with his character - or that of all Elites.[/quote]

This part of your review got my attention. Even though it was a short section I spent alot of time trying to make the Elite/Miranda conversation believable, and I was quite proud of the end result. The fact that it wasn't convincing to you concerns me. If its not to much trouble, could you provide a little more detail on what in particular you didn't like about this part? You can e-mail me at raiderjake74@yahoo.com or post a reply here.

Thanks alot.

[FOrunnER]

Umm, sorry about the coding error in the last message.

[Mendez]

Well I wasn't trying to keep up the lingo or anything. I just noticed that russ had written that and half because I admire him and half because it is just much more comvenient to write "GPS," instead of grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

But as to

[MC's Cousin]

I could have worded that better. I didn't mean like anyone was being a poser, or trying to be cool by using these terms. Some things that have been used are just good ideas. And newer people notice that. Like you said, why write out those three words when you can sum it up in a short little three letter word/abreviation.

Me - I'm not one to follow the crowd anyway.
_________________
-MCC

[russ687]

Terms like GPS are catchy, because we use them for another popular meaning, which helps draw attention and signficance to it. And saying the Code like CODE again draws attention. I don't mind, and would actually encourage people to use those terms, maybe to help promote an image of concordance among us regulars.

-Russ

[Mark Lieberg]

More detailed..i like it...even though some wont like it..i like details.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[FOrunnER]

[VolatilisNex]

absolutely amazing, im hooked now, must...rea...more...

the only real thing that i cought were grammer errors (possibly typos), just things like "there" when it should be "their", and sometimes words were there when they shouldnt have been, but then again ur just 14, so its all good . im 17, been writing fanfics for a long time (currently working on a MechWarrior story which is at the time 11 pages) and i can truthfully say u do things that i dont, its all writers edge, we each have our own. but still, ur very very very good for ur age, and even more a lot of ppl that are older than you. keep up the good work, ill be waiting for chapter 4.

as a side note, i may have been the spark i need to continue/redo my older Halo 2 fan fic "Halo 2: The Forgotten". and for that, thnx!

[MC's Cousin]

GPS = Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling. Shortens things up quite a bit, wouldn't'ya say?
_________________
-MCC

[VolatilisNex]

hmmmm......quite u >.<....havnt been here in hella days (loooong fricken time) so im not up on the lingo lol.