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50 to 1: A Marine's Tale

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:54 pm    Post subject: 50 to 1: A Marine's Tale Reply with quote

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50 to 1: A Marine's Tale
Posted by cberbar 117 (barbersmhs@sbcglobal.net)
19 March 2005, 7:14 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cberbar_117.0319051914151.html
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cberbar 117,

First off you need to learn the CODE. This will make your story a whole heck of a lot better. It is just hard to read when it is in the format that you left it in. You also need to slow down. You just can't go as far as you did in one page. You could have taken that much space just to get your Marine to the Pelican.

One thing that will make your story look more professional is to make your headers in bold. That way it just looks nicer and you can tell between it and story.

One of the first things that I saw was your description of the Master Chief. I know his cousin will have something to say about that. First of all, Master Chief is way taller than 6'3". I am almost that tall without physical augmentation. Remember that. I also noticed that you had a guy say
Quote:
"A Mark VI!"


Why was he so excited about the Chief's armor? I am not sure but I think that you meant to put "A Spartan II!"

Something to that effect. Well I am just going to give you one example of what I mean by making it longer. I will use one of your paragraphs.

Quote:
James sat up. The red-alert alarms blared throughout the ship. He climbed out of bed and walked over to his supply locker. He punched in the combonation (01-22-92) and grabed his uniform. The marine put it on and placed his helmet over his head.


Now watch how it improves and gets longer with just a minimal amount of description.

Quote:
[indent]James sat up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Alarms were blaring loudly throughout the ship, letting everyone know that something was horribly wrong. As the groggy Marine climbed out of bed he was bathed in darkness. With the contrast between light and sudden darkness he was nearly blind and couldn't see a thing in his room. If he could just make it to his locker he could get a light. Then the red, strobing, auxillary lights powered on. Shadows danced around the room and played hell with the soldiers vision. I haven't had enough sleep for this, thought the fatigue ridden Soldier.

[indent] He fumbled over to his locker and punched in the security code. James pulled on his perfectly fitting fatigues, finishing up with his helmet. The transparent boom mounted screen of his HUD suddenly came to life. Time to go to work


See how that made it better? Now that is at least three times as long.

As long as you are willing to work hard and better yourself you will do OK.

Gotta get to class so good luck,

Mendez
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, the soldiers in the Halo 2 say: "Look! A Mark VI!"

In Halo, they'd say: "Look! A Mark V!"

It doesn't mean they're referring to the armour. Wink

I'll try and read this once I can. (damn FF going down again)
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh ok... I got kind of confused when I first read that. I get ya now. It makes since now.

cberbar 117 just disregart that part of my comment.

Mendez
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry Mendez, but I just have to do this:

Me wrote:
James awoke with a start, jerking his torso up in his bunk and waiting for his mind to pull itself from the sleepy haze. The world around him was a cacophony of noise and light - klaxons threw out their wretchedly repedetive blaring and the attached strobes flashed incesently in the soldier's vision.

The Marine's feet found the cold floor and his stiff legs pushed him unsteadily to his feet as he continued to rub his eyes, trying to increase the clarity of what he saw. He nearly slammed into the bunk he had just risen from as a distant blast sent a quake through his room; only barley catching himself on his thin matress.

Simutaineously, and just as James' vision started to return to normal, the lights flickered, sparked, and snapped off. The transition from confused arousal to lack of orientation was enough to keep the increasingly aggrivated Marine bent over, steadying himself in the dark.

I don't have enough fucking sleep for this, he thought, as he stumbled across a room ablaze in the inconsistent and straining red light; cast off the single alarm strobe - which still was working, along with its ever present high-decible reminder.

Grasping the gray metal of his equipment locker on the far side of the room, James let himself silently rejoice that he had finally made progress. And as if his small struggle to make it across his confined sleeping quarters had warrented a prize, the emergency lights kicked on, covering the walls with a more consistent read glow.

Able to see what he was doing, the practiced Marine donned his battle gear, the last item to make it to his hands being his weapon - a slightly dinged BR55 Battle Rifle. Heading for the chamber's door, James was finally ready to see what the cause was for his waking.


Ah! There. That felt good. Do you see how emotion and description was worked into that to expand on even what Mendez presented? Together, we have turned your half-paragraph little piece into six paragraphs. Details and good expantion does make a difference.


Anyway. Onto other things.

Yes. Coding may seem like a small thing (it is - it is not hard to incorporate), but it does make a big difference. In your case, since you do have some semblance of paragraphing, it would help make your paragaphs more distinct. The element of the Code that I speak of is indentation. Since it doesn't tranfer from a word processor (which you should use to smooth out your work before submitting - along with diligent and extensice proofreading) you have to manually include it. This is done with coding.
Of course, the [b]Code can do other things. Bolding, as mentioned by Mendez, being amoung them. To find out more, and how to use this tool, just click the link in my signature. I expect to see this used in your future works.

A small thing: Yeah; in Halo you will hear Marines say "Hey look! A Mark Five!" (I think that in dialogue Roman numerals should be spelt out - left as numerals in text). So it is legit to see in a fic.

Spell out numbers. Why? Well, as silly as this sounds, you cannot pronounce a digit. A digit represents a numerical value. In text, you spell it out to be read. For istance, instead of 17, write seventeen. Simple. There are exceptions, but we'll tell you those as you go.

And his cousin does have something to say about "that"! John is far larger than 6'3". He is over seven feet tall. Normal humans can reach heights of up to seven feet anyway. Thought the largest guy I know pesonally is 6'8". And, through the books (and even the game, from how your co-op buddy looks bigger than the Marines), we know that Spartans are quite large.
While you're at it, check his personality, too.

Cap those proper nouns. Not only does it look better and is correct writing, but it does serve a perpose for the reader. I won't say what it is. Stuff like Pelican, Marine, and stuff like that, should begin with an initial cap. Remeber that.


Overall, this was okay. The plot is one that could very easily become repedetive (a lot of people like writing about the 'Chief running around with Marines on Earth); so try to make things original and meaningful. Good luck; and have fun with your writing.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, it feels good to be back.

Anyway, I spotted a couple spelling and grammar errors throughout the story, but overall you did pretty good. You need to use the Code, as others have been saying, and you should work on your sentence structure. I spotted a couple fragments in there, more towards the beginning.
And the Chief isn't 6'3. My dad is 6'3, and I'm almost as tall as him. MC is at least 7 feet tall.
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DanH
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, now that all this has been said, and since I really don't have any authority in terms of fan fictions, I'd just say that I think the main character would be in a bit more of a rush if there would red alerts going off, he wouldn't just casually walk about getting ready. I know that if I had to get into armor that could potentially save my life and grab a weapon that would save my life, I'd be at a dead sprint.
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man MCC... How the heck do you do it?

*Mendez scratches head animatedly*

I have a hard time putting in that much description when I write the first time. But you know what works for me? I really like to write a piece with a bit of description and then go back and read it to myself. Then I can see where I could put a good bit more description.

Mendez
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just felt a wave of writing creativity come over me, and decided to vent it is all. Like you said once before, Mendez: practice.

What you speek of is proofreading. It is what brings life to a story. I have seen many a rough draft that is flat and not very smooth. But after one proofread and edit, it has more detail, contains better flowing wording, and has some vivid feeling about it. And that is just after one proofread. More just serve to make things better and better.

Well golly. I just cannot stress the importance of "The Big P" enough.
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't you mean the big "PR?"
Wink
Mendez
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MCC is a madman. his comments helped me a lot when i was writing. detail is a big problem for you. so much happened in this one chapter. you prolly could have made a whole story out of the events that went on in just this one chapter. keep writing though. and one favor for anyone thats reading this comment. please dont refer to Marines as soldiers. its degrading. soldiers are from the army. refering to Marines as soldiers is one of the greatest insults you can say to a Marine. almost as bad as calling us sailors. keep writing though. peace.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Technically a Marine is Navy Personnel...soooo.....
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Same budget, different branch.

As for the "soldiers" thing, Odin; what would you prefer to be called? Warriors, Titans? Bad-ass?

I won't get into technicalities with Webster's definition, though. And glad I have helped you out with writing. I always like to hear I helped out. Speaking of that kind of thing... gonna post any time soon, Odin?
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