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The Best Marines: The Sneak Attack

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:53 pm    Post subject: The Best Marines: The Sneak Attack Reply with quote

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The Best Marines: The Sneak Attack
Posted by Cberbar 117 (barbersmhs@sbcglobal.net)
19 March 2005, 2:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cberbar_117.0319050211591.html
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cberbar 117,

Personally I have a bit of a problem with writing in a first person PoV. But if you can write it well it can be a very enjoyable read.

First off though, you need to learn about the CODE(I will use this from now on at the request of russ.)

It is very hard on the eyes to have to read a huge block of font like that. Some of the more regular people here(I am not one.) would call this the 'Text wall of DOOM!' I have to agree with that description. It is perfect. Hey maybe someday I will be deemed a regular by someone who cares. But until then I am just a dude with nothing better to do than to help people write.

So onto the helping... First off you had a whole lot of GPS errors. Fix that. Also there were a few places that a little bit of showing instead of telling would do you a world of good. So work on that too.

Your plot and stuff seemed alright. So just work on those things that I said. If you need a little bit more help then just PM me. I will help you all you want.

Mendez
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Write out numbers..people here will tell ya that,

First word i read was Baker..you know what I thought of?

Call of Duty, excellent game, lol. Just got it about a month ago, Im two years off, but the game kicks ass. Anyways. yeah.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what, Mendez? I, before today, never believed in being able to have a relative without being related by blood. Well, guess I am gonna have to believe that now. How else am I to reason away our similarities? We, my friend, must talk in the near future.


Anyway. To the story and away from this personal stuff.

I, too, have a general dislike of First Person Point of View (which you will see referred to as "FPPoV"). It is not because it is not a good way of writing, it is simply because most people that I see writing it don't do it justice. FP is just harder to write, for whatever reason. Harder to make good. For that reason I encourage using TP (Third Person) in FF. If you get good at that, then you can try the challenge of FP. That's my advice there.

The Code (I don't all cap it). What is it? Well, it is what allows you , the humble FF author, to incorporate text effects and formatting tookls into your writing. Foremostly, it will let you use indents. Without indents, even if you break up your text into different paragraphs, like you did, things will get hard to read. A giant wall of text ("The Text Wall of Doom" : TWoD) on the left hand side just becomes a lot harder to navigate.

Yes. People here will tell you to write out numbers. I am one of those people. Why? You cannot pronounce a digit. I know, I know - you grew up seeing "10" and thinking "ten." Well, regardless, "10" is not a word. Thus it is more proper to spell it out, like I just demonstrated. Flows better, and looks better. Of course, there are excetpions. I'll point out a few: bullet size (ie- 5.56mm/.22caliber, 7.62mm/.30caliber), vehicle and weapon names (ie- M12 LRV, BR55), and vehicle designators (ie- Echo-419, Knife-26). Though, even ammo size and designators, I think, should be spelt out in dialogue (ie- Echo Four-One-Nine, Knife Two-Six).

As a small tip: avoid using stuff like "BOOM" in your text. That is what we call telling. Telling is just, well, telling the reader about what is happening, and about the setting and characters. What, instead, you should use is called showing. Showing is the use of detailed descriptions and factual explanations that paint a picture for the reader. This is important. It not only helps with flow, but is a more effective and pleasant technique.

Repedetiveness got you, too. You repeated things in your text, and thus things just sounded unatural. Such as your names. These people have first names, last names, possibly nicknames, and ranks. Thus, you have a lot to work with. Not to mention generics like Human, Marine, and soldier - among others. Keep in mind the importance of variety.

Slow things down, too. Pace is an important part of a story. You need to lessen your speed a bit. Use of detail will help out a lot here.


Overall, this was alright. But it does need some work. So listen carefully and attentively to the advice you are given, and use it to improve your writing. Good luck; and have fun.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, you needed the Code. Listen to MCC on these things, he knows what he's talkin' about. Also, watch you Super Marines. They can be a killer.
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey MCC. You know that you can PM me. It's not like I have any other friends on here. Well... Umm.... Yep. Work on that first person stuff and you will be alright.

hopefully I will talk to you later on here. You will be my first friend besides Caleb the Jackal. He and I talk a little on PM. But other than that I have no real friends on here.(Not that I have tried to make any.

Mendez

PS- Hope the comment helped.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry Mendez. Around here, you'll make friends even against your own will. Smile
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 1:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol, if you say so. But I won't like it Wink . Heh....

Mendez
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*MasterSushi leaps onto Mendez from bushes and refuses to stop hugging him*
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*A warm fuzzy feeling envelopes Mendez...*


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You have cracked my hardened shell of friendlessness!"

Well hey everyone. Thanks for the warm welcome.



Mendez
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