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Halo 2: Altered Version---This Time More Action
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:53 pm    Post subject: Halo 2: Altered Version---This Time More Action Reply with quote

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Halo 2: Altered Version---This Time More Action
Posted by Mark Lieberg (Malieberg@msn.com)
18 March 2005, 7:57 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0318050757199.html
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My Character is in this story, and so is my Brothers, and other friends. Please review.

And I did get permission to use their names. And i did write this a year ago, with some editing.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 1:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can someone post a comment please? or did this chapter suck?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Patience mark; it's a virtue. Let things get comments with time - don't make them all your own.

Anyway. Time to comment on your story.

Well, as much as I loath to bring this to your attention, you had an AN. Yeah, yeah - I know I say this an aweful lot; but it is for a reason. ANs, espcially ones that are personal, just don't fit well with a story. And, as someone once put it (I cannot remember their name): When someone reads this down the road, your AN won't mean jack shit. It may be blunt, but hey, it has merit.
Just post anything you have to say to us here.

Well, this was like Halo 2 alright. However, even if this is based off of what has already happened, you should still jazz things up with detail. Describe those cutsenes so that we can see them in vivid detail. Don't be corny and do every little thing we already know - but things that just spice up the scene. Some being readily visible to the eye, other relating to the mood and elements of setting. All of this is important to relay through your writing.

Watch your repedetiveness, too. For instance, when you were referring to certain people, you had a tendency to use only one name for them (like Rick, towards the beginning). It was in just about every paragraph, and that just does not read very nice. So work on two things: adding variety, and beefing up your material. The latter of the two relates to the above paragraph.

Chapters. When you write them and post them, try just submitting one at a time. For one, it will make the overall read a lot smoother and more full - if simply because you are only introducing one segment of your story at one time. The other reason is that you will, hopefully at least, will be inspired to expand and develop your smaller one-chapter piece. Thus making things longer lasting.

Relating to the plot: now, since you are just relating this to things we have already seen, you may think that a plot is not needed - untrue. You still need to be concerned with reasons for what your characters do, other than just continuting the story. Solid streams of action mean nothing if the action does not count for something. Remember that.

You seemed to have your Human forces not get really battered much at all. They destroyed the Covies without all that much casualty. Be careful with that. "Invinsible Marines" or other soldiers come across as unprofessional and unbelievable in a fic.


Overall, this was fairly good; but it went by too quickly, and needed some more details. Just follow my - and anyone else that posts here - advice, and work hard to improve. Good luck; and have fun.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MCC..Sorry, but I already have a Plot. The Characters will die sooner or later. I think Cold and Hoz read it. Couple of my Firends read it too, plus my school teacher is reading it, and they never knew i could write like this. But I told the teacher about you guys helping. :D

Well, This story was written about ten months before halo 2 came out MCC. LOL. Surprised? Well, the next chapter about the Chief I will try and rewrite to the best of my ability. Im rewriting the stuff too.

YOu remember the E3 Demo, Im gonna try to make it fit into the mission Outskirts on Halo 2, so it has the Scarab, and the dramatic part as the Chief battles them twelve elites. I have a plan for him getting threw, plus its more realistic instead of that plasma nade shit. Well thanks.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK anyone else catch this one? guess it sucked..lol..Im editing the next chapter..or was it the chapter after the next..cant remember..anyways thanks.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 10:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One review? Don't worry, it's probably just because of the cable being down.

First of I agree with everything MCC said, apart from one thing.

Authors Notes: I don't mind Author's notes, for several reasons:

1.) They don't interupt a story in any way, they don't ruin an atmosphere or anything, as long as you keep them at the top, not the bottom.

2.) I don't think it matters if they're personal, all the stuff i write I write to entertain you guys, I doubt anybody else will ever read it so who cares?

3.) If someone who doesn't understand the Author's note reads it then who cares? Hopefully they'll be inteligent to ignore it or realise it's an in joke or something.

BUT, overall MCC is probably right. There's a little button, see, goes y the name of read series or something. So then, when you read the entire series as one, they'll be a bunch of ANs dotted about. Annoying for the reader.


You used code well. Your formatting was good, but stuck out a bit:

Quote:
[indent]"Let the Pelican into Fighter Bay Alpha." Rick said walking into the elevator and going down to the Fighter bay.
****

[indent]The Chief got out of the Covenant Dropship after getting Cortana into his helmet. "Nice little ship Chief." Rick said as he walked towards the Chief. He...


Quote:
[indent]"Let the Pelican into Fighter Bay Alpha." Rick said walking into the elevator and going down to the Fighter bay.

****

[indent]The Chief got out of the Covenant Dropship after getting Cortana into his helmet. "Nice little ship Chief." Rick said as he walked towards the Chief. He...


See, it's better if you even out the asterisks on either side. Maybe centre them using [indent]s. or use a horizontal rule.

Quote:
Chapter SevenŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ


1834 Hours, September 15, 2552 (Military Calendar)\
Earth's Solar System, Planet Earth,
UNSC Cruiser Gettysburg/Fireball, in orbit of Earth.

Quote:
Chapter Seven


1834 Hours, September 15, 2552 (Military Calendar)\
Earth's Solar System, Planet Earth,
UNSC Cruiser Gettysburg/Fireball, in orbit of Earth.


That would probably be better as stamps tend to be in bold and I have no idea what that line was supposed to be for. Wink

there were also grammar mistakes, caps were their shouldn't have been, missing punctuation, wrong punctuation. All tings that could be ironed out with a proof read. (I know proof reads can be tedious but if you do it a couple of times you can ensure a good result. I'm sure Wado's said a lot of stuff on proof reading somewhere...)

That bit where the asterisks went all the way across the screen was a bit inconsistent nd wouldhave been better if it was the same as the previous asterisks.

I think the story's fine, but I'll see how it rolls out before I comment to much on it.

Overall it was pretty decent Wink
But next time remember to post Chapters seperately.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol.you got me..I didnt really edit this one at all...but the part where the E3 demo mixes with Outskirts and Metropolis..expect that chapter to be really ....long? I think i would put it..or very well write specially mixing the three levels that we all love.
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Thor666
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok some tips,

(The Pelicans together fired their Archer missiles at the Covenant Cruiser and together they managed to destroy the Cruiser.)

Work on your detail alot. A coventant cruiser takes alot of fire power to destroy and also if you read the Halo book you would remember that it take at least a mac gun and alot of archer missles. Oh and just for a side note an archer missle is way to big for a pelican and a scorpian can't fire in space.

Sorry to be so critical it is just that you got a good story but you could make it even better.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

detail detail
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thor666 wrote:
a scorpian can't fire in space.


Yes it can. The Scorpian fires its missiles with chemical explosions, vaccum wouldn't affect that.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think we are talking about a Scorpion MBT here. In that case, they are not missiles. They are the equivalent of large bullets. HEAT, sabot - whatever. But, they are fired like a bullet would be, just on a larger scale. Techincally, a bullet needs Oxygen to fire - the whole mini-explosion thing behind the barrel. So, no, a Scorpion MBT would not be able to fire in space - unless the propellant is now fully chemical, not requiring Oxygen; but I don't think that is the case.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah..MCC Its the Scorpion Main Battle Tank...Yeah..I exagerated then a little..

But Pelicans do carry around eight archer pods. Even play Halo 2 Delta Halo youll see it...read Fall of Reach, and youll see it..even in The Flood the Lieutenant says only One Pelican has enough Archer Missles..I think it said in that book..cant remember

But the Tank was the messed up part.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

At least i got the frickin tank part right.

I have read the Halo books I just don't pay that much attention and could you give me a page refrence.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh and a fleet of pelicans even with room for eight archer pods couldn't destroy a covie crusier remember in the Fall of Reach were a commander fired all of his missles at a covie crusier and still couldn't even destroy the firckin thing becasue of it's shields.
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