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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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 Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 4:47 am Post subject: |
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Lotta grammar issues in this one. Flow problems as well.
I do like your plot and emotion in this story.
PM me if you want me to proofread it for ya.  |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:51 am Post subject: |
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Just as a small coding related tip: Italicise ship names. Makes them stand out a bit from surrounding text; and, well, just lets us know that they are ships. And knowledge is important to have.
I noticed quite a few GPS errors in ther. Many of them, in fact. They could have been weeded out, too. Proofreading is how. And it is an important thing to do. Never neglect to give your story the post-writing, pre-submission editing and such that it deserves. Will make things a hell of a lot better.
Ten minutes to get to Earth? How far away were these guys? Not very if it took only ten minutes to get from their location to Earth's. It takes multiple days, and sometimes weeks for ships to traverse across Slipspace to distant locations. Always keep that in mind.
Overall, this was all right. I'll stick with my comment on your first part. I noticed the same stuff in this one. Just keep working; and good luck.
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 3:02 am Post subject: |
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Thanks..MCC...Well
I just wanted to keep this like a mini two part story. Like Cold's one about them Helljumpers, I still like that story Cold..well yeah..Thanks MCC.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 9:58 am Post subject: |
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I'll be reading this in a moment.
And thanks for enjoying the Helljumper fic I did a while ago.  |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 10:15 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | She, the First Contact, had been in service a decade ago, defending the Inner Colonies with the rest of the Fleet. Her Captain, Captain Darrel Shavings had been in command of the First Contact since he got promoted before the attack of Sigma Octanus Four. He was thirty-six, and near six feet four inches. The Bridge of the First Contact was of circular design, with a spinning axis to keep it gravitational to one gee, standard Earth Gravity. It made one Bridge Officer sick to her stomach, so everyone she had to take a sickness pill to keep her combat ready. She was Lieutenant Sarah Zinger. He blonde hair, and green eyes wandered the Bridge as she was stationed at Ops. |
You switched the topic around a lot in this one; for example, you were talking about First Contact, then you talked about Darrel Shavings, then you started talking about the ship again, then you began to talk about the Bridge Officer. If you had seperated these sentences, it would've been clearer and less jumbled. The next few paragraphs that describe the others are better and more precise, but there are flow issues.
You tend to either overuse commas, or not use them enough; the same goes with periods. This affects the grammar in this particular chapter, but it can be fixed if you ever read this aloud. You can usually tell when a certain spot requires a pause.
I like the emotion in this story; it's something you're good at. I could visualize the Captain and what he saw, the illusions of the Elites--it's very interesting. I wouldn't trust him with a gun, though, suffering from those visions like that.
However, I think that you could've extended the part where they injected him with a needle to get him to slip into sleep, instead of just saying "They jabbed the needle into his arm, he fell asleep." Get what I mean?
I liked how you integrated the Cairo into this without actually tampering with the Halo 2 storyline. However, like MC's cousin said, it would definately take longer than ten minutes to get from wherever they were to Earth. Still, I understand you were probably in a rush to get them to Earth, so it's understandable.
Overall, not bad. Several spelling, grammar, and flow issues, but nothing too serious. The ending could've been a little more exciting, but it was fine--me, I'm just always looking for exciting and unexpected plot twists. Listen to what the others have said, and your next short series (assuming you'll make one) will shine.
Going to bed soon, so g'night. |
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:58 am Post subject: |
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I see what you mean Cold..about the jumping but the Captain part in that paragraph is talking about the ships history..maybe it didnt make sense.
So the emotional part was great? or good? Well...I hope it was great, thanks..yeah I think you asked to edit once Cold but i said i like to try this by my self..so I guess i did ok..lol.
Thanks yall. Master Sushi..im waiting for you..hehe
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 7:18 am Post subject: |
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Can more people post comments on this? I like to hear yours guys thoughts.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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