HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

UNSC First Contact (1/2)
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
18 March 2005, 7:44 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.0318050744521.html

[(Na)Marl]

--Damnit, something's screwed up with my internet, and it won't let me read it! Sorry, Mark.

[Mark Lieberg]

It aite..i cant read it either..god..I want to copy and paste it onto word so i dont have those edit stuff in it..argh..Want to read my stuff too.

At least the comments are working
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

Hey Mark, I wanted to read this too, damn. Can you read Dangerous Liasons when the T1 is back in or whatever it is?

[Mark Lieberg]

Ill make sure to read it when My computer lets me view the story...
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

Its not your Computer's fault, its the server or something that hosts this forum.

[SYSTEM]

I'm not sure; the internet's been so problematic the page won't load.

What's wrong with these computers? I know nothing about computers, so if you could tell me if it's at my end or at the other end of the line, I'd be pretty grateful.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[thedarkfire]

It's actually Wu's fault. They need a new connection to the HBOSN server and he didn't get it yet.

It's not you Dave.

[Mark Lieberg]

I know its te T1...lets just wait.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[MC's Cousin]

Well, I don't have a problem with ANs used correctly. I thought, in your case, that telling us your worries and considerations was not really necessary. Sure, maybe it is somewhat important to tell us what is going through your mind about your work, but I would just say, as I always do: post it here.

Anyway.

Okay. Good introduction. Though, there were some things that could have been improved:

Flow was one of them. Work on leading from one sentense to the next with your wording; and for that matter, through the sentense with what words you use. Wording is very important. Some words just work a lot better, sound a lot better, and look a lot better in context. So always be mindful of this.

You told a bit too much, I think. That was part of what threw off your flow. Describe instead of explaining when you narrate. Nothing drastic, of course, but it is one of the things you should focus on and remember when you are writing - because that is when it makes the difference.

The emotion was good. Something well included. But try to make it more personalized - run things together and don't be afraid to go into short explenations about how he feels and how it has been affecting him - in the recent times and in the past ones.


While I think this whole concept was interesting, I think it could have related a bit more to the plot. If it was, it just did not seem so to me. Like you wrote this whole chapter about this one instance just for a starter. I'm sure you have something bigger to present, though. So, I'll keep watching.


Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing too major that was wrong with it. Just keep working to build up your writing. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC

[thedarkfire]

Flow and grammar problems were my only real big issue.

Emotion was use to good effect but could have been improved by slowing the pace slightly.

I liked this and will now move on to your next.

[Mark Lieberg]

How was there grammer isues? Guess I didnt read it over enough.> I read it like ten times straight. and it hurt my eyes every day.

Thanks for the comments.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[MC's Cousin]

That might be your problem. You have to read right into your work with a fair amount of enthusiasm to catch anything. If you just read through have dead-eyed just to proofread it, chances are you could miss a good deal.

So don't strain yourself. Just read when you have time, and look thoroughly. In a mood to search for small mistakes? - then do it! And the same goes if you are in a good mood for general reading.

Make sure you are capable of paying attention when you proof. Else it will do no good.
_________________
-MCC

[Mark Lieberg]

LOL NOw i know whats wrong...I always hate to reread my stories..cause i know whats going to happen, lol. But this series I didnt want anyones help. so thats the pain i get for not getting any.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[CoLd BlooDed]

Woah, this is pretty different from the draft you sent me a while ago. Not bad.

There were grammar issues, yes, and, like the others stated, didn't flow quite right. I spotted a couple minor spelling mistakes, but nothing to out of wack; I probably wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't been paying attention. Work on stuff like that and your stories will shine. The emotional atmosphere really stood out, though, so I will commend you for that.

The plots not bad, I'll proceed to read the next one after finishing up this comment--I hope it leads to something bigger, however.

Just one more thing, I had a bit of a struggle going through this; my eyes weren't glued to the screen, and I found myself willing to skip certain sections, but I finished it. Don't worry, the fault may be mine, I'm extremely tired.

*yawns*

I'll get to the next one, now. Keep it up, man.