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Warrior's Fate: Part 2- Complications

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:52 pm    Post subject: Warrior's Fate: Part 2- Complications Reply with quote

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Warrior's Fate: Part 2- Complications
Posted by maxx (spiritedge@yahoo.com)
17 March 2005, 3:32 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=maxx.0317050332204.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good.

Quote:
...Crowe...


Ironic. My name is Russell. But moving on...

Quote:
Crowe examined closely, and realized that it was true. "Shit, you're right. So much for our freakin' covert insertion!" he fumed. "Some sloppy idiot in the tech house must've miscalculated our drop coordinates!"


Two things here. First off, I was going to lecture you that technology in the HEVs are well suffecient to drop the ODSTs in the proper spot, but then you shot back with an inadequate techie for screwing up; which is fine, to a point. In my perception of ODSTs, and Helljumper would back me up, is that the commanders would double check every little detail of a drop to ensure that his/her men arrive at the correct location with the minimal possiblity of receiving return fire. Such an incident as this proves that your commander lacks significant intiative to take care of his men. I know you weren't trying to come off like that, but from an eye like mine, you did.

Second thing, notice the intentional bold in the quotation. Watch out for stuff like that.

Quote:
"How the hell should I know?!"


Pick one or the other, but not both ? and ! together.

Quote:
A cloaked drop was specially designed to be more covert in nature than a standard HEV combat drop. The cloaked pods did not show up on scanners as easily as normal ones. Their built-in dampeners also ensured that they would make relatively little noise as they entered an atmosphere. And especially during a nighttime drop, it was considerably difficult to visually spot the HEV entries from a fair distance away. That's why all the patrols were supposed to be dropped a safe distance away from the main enemy presence in their sectors. But to be dropped right on top of the Covenant forces, even cloaked pods would have little chance of arriving undetected. Furthermore, if the enemy were to swiftly mass a reaction force, the small reconnaissance patrol would almost surely be overwhelmed.


Good explenation. However, why wouldn't all HEVs have that technology? Please don't give me some reason that there's not enough of the specified material, etc etc., because excuses like that really don't hold water, especially since this is five centuries in the future and there are over 800 planets to choose from for the correct ore.

Some writers get the image that this is just an alternate reality of todays future, with some advanced stuff, bu thoer things are the same as in the 21st century. Don't get that mental image, as that is sometimes the classic sign of a misconception about Halo (although, that is an arguement not to be brought up here).

Quote:
He got on the team freq.


Try not to abbreviate things. Stuff like COM or comm. is okay, but watch the other things. Looks a lot better when fully spelled out.

Quote:
"Captain Takeda aboard the Divine Mediterranean says he's still waiting for clearance to engage."


The bolded text shows that that needs to be in italics, as it is the name of a ship.

Quote:
"We anticipate 90 percent of the cannons being eliminated within three days, Admiral."


Spell out ninety. While some writing teachers will say anything nine or below is only spelled out, if it's a nice even number (such as ninety), do it anyways for a better looking paragraph.


Overall, good job. It was interesting and the flow was pretty good throughout. Watch out for the stuff I pointed out, and be sure to thing certain aspects through. I see a lot of potential in this.

Keep it up.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good details pointed out by russ, there. Listen to them.

About his first example; well, for such an important mission, I, too, find that they landed in the wrong location not likely. Not at all. Even an excuse of human error just doesn't hold up. Not only would the commander of this group be going over every detail in detail, but so would others. More than one tech would be responsible for things. And more than one person, other than the commander, would look things over.
You made this sound pretty damned important to get right in the previous chapter. So having that small of a thing mess things up just really does not sit well in my mind.

Now, about that double-punctuation: It is proper to use "?" after a question, and so you should. However, you do not need to add an exclamation mark to it. For one, it is not proper. For two, you are just getting out of having to describe. Don't tell us he is yelling by using the "!", but show us he is through your description. Or your have the option of using italics to show emphasis on words or phrases. But that should only be used in the most dramatic of circumstances.

That is a pretty good description of the "cloaked" HEVs. However, I do notice something wrong with that:
I don't care how hard these things are to pick up via normal sensors, they are still hitting the atmosphere at very high speeds. You know what that means? It means that they are gonna be under high friction - that means flames around them, and that means a pickup on thermal sensors. And there is not really an easy way to get past that. Anything that re-enters the atmosphere of a planet - with a suficiently thick atmosphere, that is - is gonna have that effect. Just happens. So how do your HEVs cloak themselves from that?
I also agree with russ that this type of thing would be used for all HEVs. Maybe this isn't practical for normal use - but why? These things would have to be either, new, or excessively expensive. But do explain things out somehow.
(Hmm... I do wonder if putting small jets on the side of the pod (as, I think, may be indicated in H:tF, would be a good thing - just adjust the trajectory a bit. Problem solved; for the most part.)

As for spelling out things like "freq"... well, that is a good abreviation. Like ammo. But that is also slang. And slang is not something you should use in your body text. Spell it out. (Note: When using a certain perspective, it is sometimes okay to use some slang, as you are coming from the mind of a human [or alien] who might use it themselves.)


Anyway. Onto other things.

"Arrrrgh!" - That there is a bit boarderline. I would advocate that you not spell out sounds. That is one of them. Not only is it not a word, but it can easily be described as a moan or growl or whatever. But, like I said, this was boarderline. Okay enough not to be bad, but not quite all the way acceptable - to me, at least.


Overall, this was pretty good. Some small glitches here and there, but nothing too major wrong with the writing. Though do pay attention to those details - they make or break a story, you know. Keep workin'; and good luck.
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