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Spartans: Once Again

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:52 pm    Post subject: Spartans: Once Again Reply with quote

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Spartans: Once Again
Posted by Alex Mills (singinhobo921@netscape.net)
16 March 2005, 5:17 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=alex_mills.0316051717251.html
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I only really skimmed through this because to be honest I lost interest half way through.

Firstly don't forget that you're at Halo Bungie Org Fan Fiction:

Quote:
Brutes are particularly nasty members of the Covenant that look like gorillas but with the strength of a rhino.

Yeah we know that,

Quote:
The Chief had grown up and trained with them

We know who they are too.

Almost everything, you "showed us instead of telling us" but also most of the stuff you were telling us we already know.


i can;t really reveiw this because I didn't understand any of it.
I didn't understand when it was set or anything.

And with sentances like: ""Lets move this big stone."" and terrible grammar in places I didn't want to read it.

i wish i could be of more help but the thing is there was so much wrong with this that my head is still trying to get past some of the basic storyline elements. The time, the context, the flow, the code, the SPAG, the mistakes.

I noticed a lot of sentances from the books and cutscenes. It's almost as if you just finished the books and were showing off your knowledge of Halo.

Sorry I'm a bit rubbish at helping you, I'm off to get an aspirin.
I'll probably some back later though.
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Keyes
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 31
Location: Infected on the bridge of a Covenant Crusier

PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you need to work on spelling. Also, it got confusing after a while, and I don't think I ever heard Cortana say a word. The Chief doesn't talk, and anyone who plays the game knows that. He's the strong and Silent type. Cortana does all the talking. Nice job bringing in the Covenant, though. Just one problem. you overdid it a bit with the

Quote:
"You be quiet." He replied back. "Quit your whimpering. You sound like a Grunt fresh off the teat."


That was a forced line, and sound like it. It felt like Finger nails on the chalkboard of my mind, and it hurt.

Still, with all your faults, it still had a grewat plot. Now I just need to wait for MCC to dig in to you.

good luck, you're gonna need it.

-Fementigly yours
Keyes.
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FaithPlusOne
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Joined: 06 Jan 2005
Posts: 41

PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read it because the site is down, so maybe it's more grating in context, but that particular line of dialogue sounds good, except that "You be quiet" and "Quit your whimpering" are redundant.
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