HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Warrior's Fate: Prologue- The Lucky Ones
Posted by maxx (spiritedge@yahoo.com)
16 March 2005, 7:41 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=maxx.0316050741041.html

SYSTEM · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:40 pm Post subject:

Very interesting beginning. I like the way you opened up with a nice, mundane dialogue, and describing an action. Good, good.

I'll continue reading this later. I've got some pressing assignments. *SIGH*

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Mendez · Member Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 89 Location: Classified

Maxx,

That was really good for a prologue. I assume that it was so short because it was a prologue.

One thing that I noticed was that your GPS(Grammer, Punctuation, Spelling) was nearly perfect. Kudos on that. A lot of writers won't pay too much attention that kind of thing because they think that it isn't all that important. But it can give a story an element of professionalism.

I can't wait to read your next chapter. Good luck.

Mendez

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:17 pm Post subject:

First story! Welcome to HBOFF! I hope you have a long and fruitful stay.

I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, but your use of chalk is incorrect. I always thought it was spelled 'choc'. I could be wrong though.

Excellent prolouge(sp). You gave me a feeling that I'm an outsider in this conersation. Great set-up for a flashback.

You used the code to great use. A posible improvement would be to write "mission report" on the top of your bold area and double space the sections. I originally thought it was a time/place marker usually used around here.

Other than that, I'll be greedily looking foward to your next installment. Keep up the great work.

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:29 pm Post subject:

(Double post)

Mendez, I don't want to sound offensive but who are you. You joined yesterday and definatly seem to have great ideas.

You mind introducing yourself in Posting Practice so we can get to know you?

Forgive my OT maxx.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Pretty good. Not often I see a promising first post.

The flow was generally good; but there were a few places where it could have been improved. I'm not gonna sight them, they weren't that few; but do pay attention to that. It looks like you proofread this, so whenever you go through your own personal process, just pay attention to how the text fits together. Just a couple changed words would have fixed most of it.

Detail, like flow, was generally okay. Overall it could have been increased just hair. And adjective here, a brief phrase there. During the dialogue, for instance, I thought just a couple more emotional references would have been nice in a couple select places. The lack thereof didn't hurt anything, though. Just some more practice should help you get things like that down pat.

Overall, this was pretty darned good. Could have been a little fuller and more devloped, but this was a prologue. I'll look forward to your next installment. Good luck.
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-MCC