HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Warrior's Fate: Prologue- The Lucky Ones

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:58 pm    Post subject: Warrior's Fate: Prologue- The Lucky Ones Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Warrior's Fate: Prologue- The Lucky Ones
Posted by maxx (spiritedge@yahoo.com)
16 March 2005, 7:41 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=maxx.0316050741041.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very interesting beginning. I like the way you opened up with a nice, mundane dialogue, and describing an action. Good, good.

I'll continue reading this later. I've got some pressing assignments. *SIGH*

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Mendez
Member


Joined: 16 Mar 2005
Posts: 89
Location: Classified

PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maxx,

That was really good for a prologue. I assume that it was so short because it was a prologue.

One thing that I noticed was that your GPS(Grammer, Punctuation, Spelling) was nearly perfect. Kudos on that. A lot of writers won't pay too much attention that kind of thing because they think that it isn't all that important. But it can give a story an element of professionalism.

I can't wait to read your next chapter. Good luck.


Mendez
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First story! Welcome to HBOFF! I hope you have a long and fruitful stay.

I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, but your use of chalk is incorrect. I always thought it was spelled 'choc'. I could be wrong though.

Excellent prolouge(sp). You gave me a feeling that I'm an outsider in this conersation. Great set-up for a flashback.

You used the code to great use. A posible improvement would be to write "mission report" on the top of your bold area and double space the sections. I originally thought it was a time/place marker usually used around here.

Other than that, I'll be greedily looking foward to your next installment. Keep up the great work.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(Double post)

Mendez, I don't want to sound offensive but who are you. You joined yesterday and definatly seem to have great ideas.

You mind introducing yourself in Posting Practice so we can get to know you?

Forgive my OT maxx.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. Not often I see a promising first post.

The flow was generally good; but there were a few places where it could have been improved. I'm not gonna sight them, they weren't that few; but do pay attention to that. It looks like you proofread this, so whenever you go through your own personal process, just pay attention to how the text fits together. Just a couple changed words would have fixed most of it.

Detail, like flow, was generally okay. Overall it could have been increased just hair. And adjective here, a brief phrase there. During the dialogue, for instance, I thought just a couple more emotional references would have been nice in a couple select places. The lack thereof didn't hurt anything, though. Just some more practice should help you get things like that down pat.


Overall, this was pretty darned good. Could have been a little fuller and more devloped, but this was a prologue. I'll look forward to your next installment. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group