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'Staltame's tale-chapters 1-3

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:57 pm    Post subject: 'Staltame's tale-chapters 1-3 Reply with quote

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'Staltame's tale-chapters 1-3
Posted by ninja_man54 (ninja-mike54@yahoo.com)
14 March 2005, 11:02 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ninja_man54.0314052302531.html
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Mendez
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ninja_Man,

This was very interesting. I enjoyed it but it was very hard on the eyes. You need to learn to use the Code when you are going to write a fan fiction story for HBO. That will make your story much more enjoyable to read. Sometimes the giant walls of text will discourage readers from fully enjoying your story. They will take a look and see the wall and then run away.

Now on to the actual story. This was a really good concept and I enjoyed mulling it over in my head as I read it. But I have to admit that you tried to do the age old technique known as cramming. I want you make this into three seperate chapters and greatly elaborate on each of them. The length of this one was way to short for even one of these.

So start by putting in loads of discription and show us what is going on. It should take as long to read as it took us to play the level through. You dont want to just say,

Quote:
The arbiter laced up his shoes. Then he was at the end of the compound about to kill my allies. Finally he jumped into a banshee and flew away, victorious.


You need to show us each and every thing that your characters do. Pay attention to detail.

Also you need to do something to separate your "Mission Log," from what is actually going on. Try to do something like this.

Quote:
Entry 013-Today the Spartan II's performed beyond what we had hoped for. Trainee-117 has shown exemplary leadership skills. Dr. Halsey and I are going to give him the position of Squad Leader. Tomorrow we will see what the Trainees are really capable of-

[indent]Chief Petty Officer Mendez switched off his Log Journal and slipped it into his personal locker. Reaching into the steel container a broad muscular hand pulled a perfectly pressed, grey shirt from one of the hangers. Mendez slipped the shirt on and hurredly buttoned it up. It was time to appoint a squad leader.


That way you can make your Journal entries a believable length and then add all the detail that you need to make your story flow well, and give the reader a mental picture.

All in all this was a good concept but it needs a ton of work. Before posting your next installment please slpit these up and give them your undivided attention.

Kudos,

Mendez
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks like I have a poser on my hands here. Wink Steeling my material. Evil or Very Mad Trying to make my job easier, eh? We'll see about that.


Well, past that, it's on to the story.

Good. You have paragraphing down pretty well. Dialogue separated and all. What you do not have is distinguished paragraphs. You, instead, have the aforementioned wall of text. Having a "wall of text" - or the Text Wall of Doom - can ever deter some people from reading your story. With no visible break between lines, things get hard on the eyes, and thus more difficult to read. You want to give your reader the most enjoyable and pain free read you can. That is why we like to show you how to write better.

To fix that little formatting thing, you use, as had been mentioned, the Code. In bold, too - 'cause it is important. Around here, you can't add text effects or indents without coding. So you have to learn how to use and master it to have control over your writing. To find out more about how to use coding, just visit the link in my signature. It's a direct feed to the "Directions for use" link at the top of the submission form - which you should have already seen and viewed already.

Transitions are very important as well. If you don't include some form of transition, one part can blur into another. I speak of your entries and then narrative. The way Mendez suggested would be fine. Just something to keep it separate and distinct from everything else. Coding will help you do that with italics and bold.

Always spell out your minor numbers. It is a small thing, and not hard to do. And it makes a difference. Putting digits to text - "8" to "eight" - looks and reads better. So do that for us.

Covenant. Covies, being aliens, are different from humans. They talk different, look different, and act differently. You have to show that with your writing. Elites especially have a certain way of talking and of addressing others of their race. If you don't know what I am talking about, just check out the Covie PoV in Halo: The Flood. It will give you a good idea of things. And then, after that, check out some of the Covenant-based stories around here. Two that come to my mind are Jillybean's The Priestess and the Warrior and Mind_Affecting_Parasite's The Enemy Within. Both use Covenant differently, and will give you a distinct example of about how Elites and other races should sound.

Things all went by really fast. There was no real description, and, outside of the journal entries, not much explanation. Don't just tell us what your characters are saying and tell us what they are doing - show us with vivid details and fluid descriptions how they interact with other characters and the setting. Put us in the story, don't just make us into observers.

Always cap your proper nouns. Banshee, Flood, Covenant, etc. should all have an initial cap. Remember that. It not only is proper, but serves a legitimate purpose in writing.

You might want to watch how you make your Flood infections happen, too. Flood don't inject their victims with chemicals designed to make them black out. They take over their nervous system and start injecting DNA to convert the body into the Flood form. In actuality, the Flood consciousness uses the former neural pathways of the sentient it infects to gain knowledge and control its new host. The consciouness of the former sentient is destroyed forever.


Overall, this was fairly good. Like Mendez, this idea made me thing. It is a good one, and something that I would like to see done well. Just follow the advice you are given and work hard to improve - show us what you've got. Good luck; and have fun.
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ninja_man54
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 11:52 pm    Post subject: Sorry Reply with quote

Yeah, I know. This is my first fan fiction story, and I haven't really figured out how it works, you know, lines, indenting, etc. In fact, I actually just copy-pasted it from my website.
Also, I know that my stories tend to rush. I can't really help it, it's one of my problems with writing.
Finally- my email isn't ninja-mike54@yahoo.com, it's ninja_mike54@yahoo.com. My website is ninja-man54.tripod.com.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It doesn't matter if it is your first. And it doesn't matter if that is one of your problems. Work to fix them. Don't just say "Well, I'm not good at that" and just sit back - use our advice to improve your writing.

As for the whole coding thing, all you have to do is insert some brackets and letters. No big deal. I recommend you add them in while you type in in your word processor.

Anyway; we're all here to help you. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask here or via PM. Glad to have you with us.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Always push yourself.

That's how you get good.

Now, if only more amplifier manufacturers would challenge themselves and use vacuum tubes again, we'd all be happy...

- Dave.

Postscript - Long live the Vacuum tube. Down with the transistor.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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