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Long Time Gone Part 41

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 3:18 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 41 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 41
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
11 March 2005, 12:56 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.03110512564441.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I swear these just get better and better and better, Russ. I can't wait for 42, man.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wonder..if you get all your chapters together..put them on word with out the HBO junk in it like [indent] and all that..I wonder how many pages it would be?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Russ", Gall? This isn't by russ687. Perhaps you know his real name and I do not?

I got 229 pages. But that was with extra spaces and what not. It would be reduced by a lot if those weren't in there. Still. That is a lot of writing. Glad you're sticking with it, grylsy.

Anyway. To the story.

The first paragraph stuck me as "telling, telling, telling." I'll give you an example of how to fix that:
You wrote:
Chris was lying down next to Alison on the forest floor covered in pine needles and looked towards the incoming Marine patrol; they were in a loose formation with their Sergeant out front.

You just told us what they were doing without much detail. Develop and expand:
I wrote:
Chris lay prone next to Alison on the dry forest floor; covered nearly completely with thin, brown pine needles. They looked on towards the slowly approaching Marine patrol still several meters out. The soldiers walked in a standard file formation, with the CO - a Sergeant by the patches - taking lead.

See what I mean? Just make those verbs active and give things a descriptive feel.

I would avoid using "x" when refering to ammo. Just say "16-by-155(that is really long for a bullet)mm". Looks a bit more professional.

Rangers are Army. Not Marine. Marine SF is Force Recon. Watch those kinds of details.
Oh, and I doubt that a trained soldier would be carrying a wallet with information on him into a fight - training or not.

I saw a good deal of repedetiveness in there. The word "Chris" started to stand out quite a bit in my vision. Let me give you an example:
Back in a Christian youth conference I attended, where I was assistant youth leader, there was one message that I will never forget. This guy used the short phrase "ya' know?" like many girls use the word "like." After a while, that short phrase was the only thing I heard, despite the good message being presented.
Try to avoid this in a story. It takes off the flow and just plain looks/sounds bad when read through. Keep that in mind.


Overall, this was pretty good. A fresh addition to the series. And killing off *SPOILER* Chris was kind of interesting. Just keep up the good work and work hard on your next. Good luck.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher wrote:
I swear these just get better and better and better, Russ. I can't wait for 42, man.


Uh-huh, yes...

Maybe he is saying like 'There are getting better and better, Russ' as in reference to that Russ will read it?

Anyhow yes, thanks for the comments, having some bad writers block and havign soemd ifficulties describing the next chaper but I'll get through it, post it soon, maybe before Wednesdays update but dont push me.... Very Happy
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