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The Archangels, TTLM Chapter One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 3:18 pm    Post subject: The Archangels, TTLM Chapter One Reply with quote

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The Archangels, TTLM Chapter One
Posted by John Gurule, Jr. (d3jsgurule@yahoo.com)
11 March 2005, 12:56 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.0311050056196.html
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John Gurule, Jr.
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anything to say, anyone? Well, you may have noticed that I changed Gutierrez's rank from admiral to captain because, well, an admiral wouldn't command just one ship. That's about it for my notes, so, anyone have anything to say?
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm gunna read this later, just want to say John that Dune is awesome (thats the one by Frank Herbert right?) and the Amber Spyglass is cool too, that was random so I'm gona go.
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John Gurule, Jr.
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That would be the Dune! Wink
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 7:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite honestly, I only began reading this so you could get some feedback to improve, but I found it oddly attractive at the same time. This "Chapter One" is part of some series that has a lot of previous sections (rewrites? Why is this first chapter so deep into the series?), so I'm anticipating that I missed a lot of details, which is why I found it confusing (since backstory was alluded to but not present). Despite this, it was pretty decent.

On to the feedback.

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Quote:
"Yes, sir." Arnold walked through the door behind the Colonel. He passed several steel doors that were marked with big, white, stenciled letters. He found the one he was looking for at the end of the hall: Sleeping Quarters. He pulled the handle up and swung the door open.


Don't bold text in the narrative or in dialogue. It looks bad. If you want to emphasize anything, italics is what you use.

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Quote:
"I am your commander. The Colonel might be my boss, but he's not here with you. You're dealing with ME.


Quote:
There was a resounding "SIR, YES SIR!" from the Archangels. Arnold looked around.


Quote:
"COME ON YOU BAAAAASSTAAARDS!" he screamed as his finger pulled back hard on the trigger.


Similiar to the point above, don't use full-caps to emphasize a word or phrase. Use italics!

_____________________________________________________________

Careful with your GPS (Grammer - Punctuation - Spelling), as there were a few noticable mistakes in there. Proof-read more to solve this.

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Quote:
Arnold was surprised to see that the last one in line was a woman. When he had first walked in the room, her hair was hidden under her helmet. Now, she had the helmet off and he could see her hair, tied in a tight bun. "Lieutenant Jenny Morrison," she said in a quiet but tough, in a feminine way, voice "rifleman, sir."


Aside from a mistake near the end there, it was good. My point here, though, is do not make her the beautiful romantic-relief for the story; do that, and you commit instant author suicide (unless your readers are sappy).

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Quote:
He saw his assistant sitting at their desk, staring intently at the moniter placed on it. He went over to him, quietly, and put his hand on his shoulder. He jumped a bit, surprised at Kurt for coming back so early from his (usually longer than five minutes) break. "Anything new?" he inquired, expecting 'nope' for a response.


It's been done by some famous authors and such, but I would discourage parenthesis's. It's a techncial writing attribute usually reserved for letters, research/informative papers, and notes -- not fiction writing.

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Quote:
Joe grabbed for the revolver he had tucked into his tool belt. He squeezed the walnut grip. Joe knew fully well that if worst came to worst and he had to fight off Covenant, then the revolver wouldn't help much. He pulled it out and backed toward the elevator.


A revolver? 550 Years in the future? ...Need I say more?

_____________________________________________________________



Overall, pretty good job. Nice ending, too; a mix of death and fear from the Covenant with a classic function everyone can relate to by the elevator.

The points above were specifics that caught my eye, so be alert for stuff like that in your next installment. As I said in the begginning, I have no clue what's really going on, but I'd apprecaite it if you told me what sections of the series prior to this one matter in the story-line, since I've noticed you had some rewritten sections.

Keep it up.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, someone could have an antique revolver in the future - or just a remake as something to show around, just not for an actual firearm intended to be used in combat.


Whenever you want to emphasize a word in dialogue, as russ said, just use italics. And lengthening words (like this: "BAAAAASSTAAARDS") just looks unprofessional.
Now, if your intention is to have a word from a wall or label (like: Sleeping Quarters), just use call caps for that. In a book, they can do small caps; here, you can't. You can either use bold or caps - and caps blends in better.
Of course, if you word things right, you have no need for that kind of thing at all.

Your details were a tad slim - descriptive that is. Not like they were not there at all, but like you could have used a few more to bring things out. You also did a little telling where the text should have shown the story. And, while you're at it, watch your flow. There were places where the wording and/or punctuation could have been improved to make the sentense flow a good deal better.
Always keep an eye out for that.

Just as a small tip: You don't have to do this, as it is partly an element of style; but when you abbreviate a word, try leaving out the periods (ie- "USA" instead of "U.S.A."). It just looks cleaner.

You had, I think, two Majors and a Captain in that team you introduced. Watch how you structure your military unit. I'm no serious military buff, but I know that that type of unit would have those kinds of officers all over the place. (ENS) Rabid Gallagher would be better than me for this.

I noted some small mistakes here and there. Just watch out for them; proofread - go over and edit things carefully and thoroughly.


Overall, this was pretty good. Nothing too major to point out that downed your story - just basic stuff to work up. So take heed of our advice, and work hard to improve.
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-MCC
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John Gurule, Jr.
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The installments that matter can be found in the links provided below, Russ.

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.1204040757264.html

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=john_gurule,.0202050142205.html
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